Infertility and My Faith

Gardening and waiting....

2011-03-23T00:49:00.000-07:00

I know that my time is going to come. So many of my friends who have went through infertility and many of you have went on to become mothers and it makes me hopeful yet leaves me wondering when it will ever happen. I am going to the fertility clinic in a few weeks, i have switched clinics to a new dr. The only treatment we have ever done is clomid and provera and now I am finally able, financially to go and have some stuff done. I am hoping and praying that whatever I have done will work. I am excited and scared to. But I have been doing good, my grandfather has healed up from the accident we were in and we have been enjoying this weather. I bought a house right next to my granparents. We have a lot of land and so we have a garden, my granpa has always had a huge garden each year as long as I can remember. I am happy where I moved because i grew up right beside of here. It was my great uncles house and they decided to move so i jumped at the chance to buy it!! We have already planted our peas, onions, poatoes "taters lol as I call them" we planted our cabbage, broccoli and soon we can plant our corn, beans, cucumbers, tomatoes, and bannana peppers. last yr we tried watermelons and they did not taste very good. So I will just have to buy all the watermelon I eat (which is usually alot) last night we built a fire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows with my little cousin I babysit, who I call JitterBug. Me and Anthony love to go fourwheeler riding. He works in the coal mines and he finally got put on day shift so I am soo happy I get to spend every evening with him. I hated when he worked at night. So I am staying busy and being happy.

I want to.......

2011-02-07T05:15:00.000-08:00

I want to be able to experience so many things. I cant imagine how it would feel to look at my baby on the ultrasound, to hear a heartbeat and know that it belongs to me. I want to hold my baby for the first time, I want me and Anthony to experience the joy of being parents together. I would love to paint and decorate a nursery in blue or pink. I want to have a baby shower and know it is for me this time. I want to bring my baby home for the first time. I cant imagine how it would feel to hear my baby crying and wake me up at night. To rock my baby back to sleep. I want to see Anthony being a father, I know he will be a wonderful daddy. He is such a loving person that loves kids, I can hardly wait. I want to go into the baby section when I go shopping and be able to but something for my own child, and not feel like my heart is breaking everytime I go by this section. I want to teach my child about the Lord, and take it to church. I want to watch it grow and become the beautiful person it was meant to be. I know that God is able to do this, and I really want this dream of mine to come true. Sometimes I dont know how much longer I can wait. I just really really want this.

My Help from the Lord

2011-02-03T20:27:00.000-08:00

I have been having a hard time and the Lord has really helped me so much. Me and my grandparents were in an accident and my papaw got hurt pretty bad. He is doing better now but he is still in a lot of pain. He broke six of his ribs and injured two more, he had to have over 60 stitches in his head. I am so happy that he is doing better. But please keep him in your prayers. I am doing better the cuts on my feet have healed up wonderful. I hope that all of you are doing good, I have not been on here in a long time.Soon good news: My nephew is growing and is the most handsome little boy ever. One of my best friends who have gone through infertility with found out she is pregnant with miracle #2 and without taking any fertility treatments.We were so shocked and I am so HAPPY for her!!!
Alicia, if you read this let me know how you are doing.

Christmas Eve Blessing

2010-12-29T00:30:00.000-08:00

We went to Maryland to my sister in laws and her family for Christmas during Anthonys Christmas vacation. So on Christmas Eve my sister in law said she thought she was having contractions so she went to the Dr. Well in a few hours my mew nephew was born!!! What a Christmas time to remember. He is adorable! And he has totally stole my heart!!! It worked our perfect that we could be there and I got to spend almost the first four days of his life with him! I get to see him again in a couple weeks ans I cant wait. He is so cute and he is my very first nephew, I have a niece which is his big sister. This was such an amazing experince. I am so blessed!!

THIS IS BRAYDEN
HE WEIGHED 9 lbs. 6oz.

THIS SONG IS DEDICATED TO BRAYDEN

I loved this song

2010-12-10T23:49:00.001-08:00

mental breakdown and then happiness

2010-12-06T13:01:00.000-08:00

I wrote this yesterday:
The days are getting harder. There is a great sense of guilt for the way I feel. I am excited about going to be an aunt again but I am so envious at the same time. I want to be the one holding the newborn in my arms and know that it is mine. I don’t want to be the couple who dosen’t have any kids and everyone feels sorry for when they come to see the newborn for the first time. Today Anthony and I were eating out and I saw this couple with a little beautiful girl and a little baby boy in a highchair. They were laughing and talking pictures and I could not take my eyes off of them..I just wanted their life what they had. Ok, maybe I am having a bit of an insane moment but I am flatout jealous and a little angry. I then looked over and saw this couple with this small girl probably about the age of two and they were feeding her and looked like they were so mesmorized with her. I kept watching them to, and Anthony finally got my attention and told me to quit staring. I immediately said in a mean voice that I was not staring! But after I said that I felt ashamed at who I feel I am becoming. Am I becoming this person who is sitting and watching others lives play out and not living my own? And how can I let this bitterness and anger take over my heart. Right now I do not want to hear that another person is pregnant, unless it is me or one of my infertility sisters, especially Brittani. I feel like I will explode or breakdown if I hear one more person is and I feel like I am just holding my breathe waithing on the next one to just break the news that they are expecting. It is wrong of me to feel this way? So many people around me are pregnant, have newborns, or toddlers. Why me, why was this path chosen for me, I do not understand.!! My close friends tell me I am strong enough to go through this and that there is a reason for this but I am to the point right now where I do not want to hear it and have no desire to get a pep talk from anyone. Leave me alone!! I want to scream to these people around me! Let me hide in peace until the storm I am facing in my heart calms. My family has their well meaning tips, and ideas to why I have not conceived, let me just say that one more tip might not be received with such grace the next time. Ok I know I am on a rant and rave right now but I am going to because I can. And I know I will someday read back on this and be ashamed of this but right now I feel I am justified to wallow in my own self-pity and feel sorry for myself for as long as it takes. I am going to cry I am going to scream and I absolutely want someone to know how I feel while at the same time I fear for anyone to know. My life is beginning to get to be to much for me, the health problems coupled with this is not making me all to happy. I am in fear once more that the depression will take over and that I will fall into some extreme of sadness and not to be able to get out of it. But I feel guilty for feeling this way because I am married to an incrediable man and I am a child of the living God. Lord please hear my cry tonight and come by and lift this tremendous burden from my heart.

After this I had a wonderful moment with anthony and so I wanted to share it:
Last night after writing the above post I went riding around with Anthony in his jeep in the snow. We were coming down the road and we heard the song from Facing the Giants called “The Voice of Truth” and he stopped the jeep and looked at me and took my hand and said lets just stop for a minute and listen. So we just sat there and held hands. The Lord knew what I needed from Anthony and I got it without him even speaking a word. Our heart was one once again. So last night when we were lying in the bed I thanked him for what he had done. And I told him I knew that he hurt to and went through it just like I did and that his hurt meant just as much as mine and I felt as if I had drew strength from him and the Lord to make it through another day.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T12:36:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving friends!! I hope that you all have a wonderful holiday. I am excited about the holidays this year. I know that Christmas will be hard for me, I usually feel my loss of being childless but overall I am excited. Tomorrow I plan on being with my family and eating dinner and going to the nursing home to be with my grandmother. I have even though about putting my Christmas tree up tomorrow night but after a long day tomorrow I might change my mind. I am planning on going shopping Friday at Walmart. We are gojng early but I have to say I dread the crowds and the long long lines. I am sick right now with a cold but I am hoping that I will feel better by tomorrow. I wish you all a wonderful weekend and God Bless you.

talkin about nothing

2010-11-15T02:35:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here doing nothing so I thought why not write on my blog. I have been sitting here watching the real housewives of Atlanta. Really?? those are so not "real" housewives. I love watching them though but though are so not "real" housewives. I wish I had a maid that would fold my clothes and put them up for me. Thats my least favorite thing to do. Since I have been having trouble with my muscles I have been trying to find things to occupy my time. I have been scrapbooking and reading alot. I have been reading some books by Beverly Lewis about people in the Amish life. They are alot different than anything I have ever read but I really liked them. The best book that I have ever read is called the Tall Woman by Wilma Dykeman...it is an older book and it is awesome. There is a follow up book about one of the families in the book called the far family. You all should read these two books they are so good. Its about living in older times on a farm and I love those kinds of books. I wish I could find more books like that.

Here is my new favorite song this week

A Good Day to praise HIM!

2010-11-13T23:36:00.000-08:00

Right now I am doing good. I feel like I am in a good place right now. The Lord has renewed my strength once again. His mercy and His grace are amazing. He is so good to me when I dont even deserve it. I am focusing on my relationship with the Lord and putting him first in my life. He is everything to me and I could not live without him. I am so excited to get to go to church in the morning!!! Well last Wed. I wrecked..they think I had a seizure and wrecked. I hurt my head and my arm but other than that I am ok. It was my first accident and I am thankful that the Lord kept me safe. Please keep me in your prayers that I can be faithful and work for the Lord.

my new puppy and lovin the fall

2010-10-19T16:42:00.000-07:00

This is my new baby Izzy. I got her Sunday, a friend of mine gave her to me. I think she is the cutest thing ever! But all she does is sleep :) and eat! Anyways, I am loving this fall weather! It is so beautiful. This is my favorite time of year and love the pumpkins and decorations. My husband and I carve pumpkins every year (i know we act like kids) I love to watch the leaves fall.

I'M BACK!! YAY!!!

2010-10-02T00:22:00.000-07:00

I's been a long time since I have been able to blog..I have not had any internet since we moved. No high speed here until we found out we could get Hughes Net, so I was happy as a child on Christmas morning when they installed it lol!! I am glad to be back! This year has been tough but all in all its been a good year. In my journal that I write in I saw that on New Years I wrote "2010..a year of new beginnings..." and I believe that I was right. Thats what this year has been so far and I hope that it continues to be that way for us.I am still not pregnant but I am still waiting. We got to buy our new house that we didnt think we were going to be able to buy. The Lord worked it out and we got to move in in May. I live right beside my grandparents so I get to spend lots and lots of time with them! I found out that I am going to be an aunt again to a little boy! I am really excited about meeting him, he will be here in December! I got to spend lots of time with my niece this summer, she is growing and is so beautiful! My fatherinlaw had a heart attack and we almost lost him, but the Lord brought him through it and he got saved and started serving the Lord, so that was the best news that we have had all year! My best friend found out she was pregnant the other day. She is a wonderful mother and she deserves many children. This makes her third one. Anthony has been working hard and working many hours in the coal mines. I will post a few pics of the house we bought and some recent pics of us. My muscle pain has been bothering me alot and i still have to fight to stay out of depression.

Trying to Deal

2010-04-21T18:03:00.000-07:00

I recieved news that my SIL is pregnant again. I am excited for her but my heart ached. In my mind I thought I may be the next one in our family to have to have a child. She is a wonderful mother and deserves all the children she wants. And I am glad that she dosen't have to struggle with infertility. But you all know how the emotions are with this. On one hand I am overjoyed with knowing that I will have another neice or nephew but I am jealous right now and wishing it was me. I need strength to get through this. Below is a picture of my beautiful niece.

My day dreaming

2010-04-12T03:29:00.001-07:00

I have been day dreaming in my head what it would be like to be parents. What it would be like to look down at a test that was positive. I can just imagine me telling Anthony we are having a baby. I know I would be over filled with emotion. I want to be able to buy maternity clothes and be thrown a baby shower. I want to be able to share with our families the news that our miracle is on its way. I can imagine decorating the room in pink or blue. I am dying to hold my child in my arms for the first time and look into its eyes. I long to see Anthony hold our baby in his arms and see him filled with so much love for our child. I want my grandparents to have time to spend with my child, I want to spend time with my children playing with Nova and let Tab have the opportunity to be an aunt. Nova has brought us such joy and I want Tab to know what that is like. I want to hold my baby and comfort it in the night. I want to spend my days playing with it and learning it about the Lord. I want to be excited when Anthony comes home from work telling him the things we did each day. I want to share that bond with him of our love creating a child that is a part of him and a part of me. I love him so much and I feel such a close bond with him because of all we have went through and I know that having a child would only make it stronger. I want us to spend weekends having picnics, playing, and going to the toys in walmart. I want my child to spend time with its grandparents and enjoy them. I want to watch it grow. I want to see these dreams of mine become a reality. I know the Lord is able to perform and I am not giving up. The devil tries to make me doubt but I know it will happen. The Lord has not forsaken me and He will never. This is a huge miracle for me but it is a small and easy thing for the Lord to perform. I am like a child asking again and again for something. But He is telling me Child it is not time. Just wait a little while longer. He is going to do this for us….

I have calmed down LOL

2010-04-07T01:19:00.000-07:00

Since my last post I have calmed down lol! I was upset when I wrote the last one but now I am ok. Things are going good right now. I am getting ready to move in the next few weeks so I am excited and putting all my energy into that. I am buying a house that is next to my grandmothers house. I am still praying about the adoption and I have delayed going to the fertility clinic for a few more months. Sometimes I think our minds and our marriages need a break from all the stress and just have some fun. Yes, I want a baby more than ever. But I also want my marriage to be strong when a child comes. So I plan on having lots of fun this summer. Spending time with my family and my church family, going to the lake (i can't wait for that), going to Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg TN a few times, going fourwheeler riding, growing a garden and canning some food! For those of you who grow your own garden you know that there is nothing better than picking beans and breaking them up, cooking them and eating them with slaw and a big juicy tomatoe "maters" (is what I call them lol, I know I am a redneck hillbilly!) I think this is the happiest I have been in a long time. The Lord has sure blessed me. One of my friends that has been praying for a baby for four years is pregnant!!!! I am so excited for her.Below is a pic of one of my best friends babies. She was the one I talked about having a baby after ttc for five years. Just thought I would let you see her and it is a reminder that Miracles do happen and the Lord is in Control!!

i've went crazy people

2010-03-15T02:00:00.000-07:00

I try and I try to understand but I don't. This is not fair what I am going through. I cannot stand it one more day. My heart is breaking and no one around us seems to notice. I am so tired of being the one who is waiting for life to begin for me. I am so tired of no one understanding how we feel. Oh well, they just go on with their happy lives and we are standing here trying to figure out what in the world we are going to do. I feel like screaming!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it is not like me to be so angry but I cannot hold it in and if I don't write it down I fear I may explode on someone. I don't want to be invited to a baby shower, a kids birthday party. Ok I am sounding a little extreme but I just need a day to feel sorry for myself and then I will be back to my normal self. I apologize to anyone who read this because I am acting childish. I am just frustrated!!!! Pray for me please pray for me. I am dealing with so many things in my life right now. Because of my high blood pressure which they can't keep under control they want me to go on a very strong BP med but she will only give it to me if I go on birth control or quit trying for a while. She said that it was to dangerous to be taking it and to get pregnant at the same time. I wasen't going to do it, I was going to stay on the meds I was on but even with 200mgs. of metoperlol my BP was 158/104 my best one this week was 154/98 I have always had trouble with my blood pressure ever since I was in high school but it keeps getting worse and my heart rate is terribly high. I am sorry for the compaining session just needed to vent with people who understand how I feel.

upon my knees

2010-03-07T23:31:00.000-08:00

Lord I am here tonight upon my bended knees. My heart is crying out to you, Oh will you hear me please. There is that longing that’s in my soul, the breaking of my heart. Will you please come by and make this pain depart. I know I’m not the only one, others battles are the same. I believe that you will move for us if we call upon your name. And so we bow before you, upon our knees we kneel. You are the only one who holds the power to heal. I know you’ve answers prayers before we have the proof with Hannah, the power to heal the sick and feed your children with manna. Lord, I am not asking for material things just a child to call our own, I pray that you bless us and fill our empty home. So many nights I have cried upon my bed with tears. The hurt has been in my heart Lord for so many years. The tears they do fall as do the rain, I don’t let people get to close I fear they’ll see my pain. I want to be like them and have a family too, I pray that you have mercy and touch my empty womb. To be patient and wait on you with all my heart I’m trying. With arms wide open you stretch them out and hold me while I’m crying. You are the only place Lord that I want to go, you are the one to comfort me, of this I truly know. You’ve sent me strength and you always comfort me. In debt to you Lord I will always be. Lord I love you so much, I feel your presence near. For I know by my side you are always here. I’m sorry Lord to bother you with this request again. But I know to keep persistence it will be worth it in the end. I rise up from my knees, on my life I look back, you have blessed us so and no good thing we lack. Through our pain we will praise you and to your name we’ll sing. We know you’re the giver of life because you are our King. Samantha

Dear Baby...

2010-02-27T05:25:00.001-08:00

Dear Baby,
I am waiting on you. I cannot wait until the day that I hear that you are coming. These years of waiting has been so long but I know you will be worth the wait. Someday I will understand why I had to wait so long to hold you in my arms. Oh, how I dream of what life will be like when you get here. To see your face for the first time is more than I can even imagine. I promise we will love you and cherish every moment that we have with you. I will know how blessed I truley am, I will cherish the moments that others overlook. I won't complain when you spill stuff on the carpet, I won't ignore you when you ask me to play. I will take the time each day to tell you how much you mean to me. We will read together and learn about the Lord. There are so many things I long to do but I have to wait. We would love to be able to wake up early with you by our side. we would love for our house to be a wreck with toys threw everywhere. For now you are only in my dreams but I know that soon you will be a reality. I pray for you each day, asking the Lord to send you to me. I have never met you but I miss you so terribly bad. I feel that void in my life, the part where you are supposed to be. Some have told me to give up that it may not be the Lords will for me to have you but I know they are wrong. They don't know what I feel in my heart. I dream of what you will look like, I hope you have your daddys eyes. Your daddy will be amazing, he is amazing. He will be so much fun. Of anyone ever deserved to be a father it is him. I could not ask for anyone better to share my life with. He holds me when I cry and when I want you so bad. He assures me that you will be here soon. He is the strong one, without him I could never have made it through all this. Almost eight years waiting on you but when you arrive our family will be complete.My dreams will have come true. My heart will be filled. Baby, I love you even though I have never looked upon your face, I would give all my earthly possessions for you but I can't. Only in the Lords timing. He is the giver of life and I know that He knows whats best for me. He sees the forest when I can only see the trees. Samantha

can't sleep tonight

2010-01-27T01:30:00.000-08:00

Tonight from out of nowhere I just started crying while I was talking to my husband. I just started crying and told him how much I wanted to be a mother and I could not stop. It seem to just happen all at once. I did feel better after a good long cry! After that I talked to my husband anout the Lord and what He is able to do. I pray that my husband will get saved, to be in church worshipping the Lord together would be an awesome thing for me. He is a wonderful man though, I can't believe we are married sometimes. We have been friends since the third grade, went all the way through school together (i found him some girlfriends in school to!), and on our last semester of high school we just started talking more on the phone and one night he said (now we weren't even dating yet!) He said when we get married I will move you somewhere where you can have a pond behind our house with ducks in it. A couple weeks later he ask me out. As soon as I graduated we moved in together (my family about died..they said I was to young) I was to young but I guess everything worked out fine (: But I still haven't got my pond with the ducks!! I will have to post a photo that I have of me and him together at our eigth grade graduation.

my friend Alicia

2010-01-23T18:23:00.000-08:00

This is dedicated to my friend Alicia from consider it all joy blog
after reading a post that she had on there I felt inspired to write this about her
The heart of a woman:
There are certain people, special people that have to face the toughest of circumstances. They are everyday people yet they are extraordinary. If you saw them they would look like everyone eles. By appearance you would not know the daily battle that they face. They have strength to fight the battle, they have the endurance to press forward and the ability to be courageous in the fight. They are filled with hope that tomorrow will be a better day. There is a love deep in their heart and a compassion for others. Though their eyes are filled with tears there is a joy that remains in the heart. Patience has taught them the love that God has for us. Their faith is unmovable, unshakable, they have the peace of Jesus in their heart. This is the heart of someone facing infertility. Some of their journeys has ended in heartache, some in joy. Some are facing the storm right now. These are a strong group of women. With our hearts on our sleeves we will march on.

A new blog (=

2010-01-18T17:53:00.000-08:00

I created another blog for random stuff that I write about. I just wanted to show you where it was at. I am certain there are not many that reads my blog but I am postint this anyways lol!! it is at http://laughoutloud4life.blogspot.com/

I AM ME.....

2010-01-18T17:18:00.000-08:00

I am me, I am no one eles but myself. For a long time I have compared myself to others. Compared myself to these women who are "fertile" and have families. I have compared myself to those that I went to school with, those that have careers and have success in everything that they have attempted to do. Sometimes I look at myself and think I have no career because I wanted to be a mother, I am not a mother because I am infertile. Where is my success. I know that it is not good to envy others but today I thought there are peoples lives that I do envy. Those that are mothers, those that have awsome jobs. And I thought there is no one that would envy my life. No one would want to trade places with me. I was feeling hopeless. I don't have a lot of money I don't know if I can even afford adoption at this point. But in the midst of feeling hopeless I can hear the word of God in my heart. I am rich because I am saved by his grace. Why would I want anyone to envy my life. The Lord came to this earth to have NO reputation but came in the form of a servant. He had not a place to lay his head, his purpose was to fulfill the will of the Father. That is what I am here on this earth to be, a servant of the Lords. If I never possess much on earth I am ok, because I know that I am laying up treasures in heaven. I still want to be a mother very badly but I am a child of the King and that is something to be grateful for. I want to grow closer to the Lord and follow His will for my life.

deciding

2010-01-14T14:04:00.000-08:00

My husband and I are thinking about going down the road of adoption. We really don't know where to begin or really what to do but I am praying that the Lord will guide us in the direction that He would have us to go. Please keep us in your prayers, I want to be a mother so bad and my husband would love to be a father.

Our Snow

2009-12-30T14:03:00.000-08:00

AND MY LITTLE NIECE WAS HELPING COOK..SHE WANTED TO BE A LITTLE CHEF

We had a big snow here right before Christmas and we had no electricity for five days! five days! We had a very good time though. We used a kerosene heater and an oil lamp. We all talked so much! We went and stayed all night with my husbands parents two of those nights. We all played Racko and Yahtzee and had a fun time. Then we got out and rode around in the snow. We took my father-in-laws jeep up on the mountain. The next day me and Anthony went fourwheeler riding and those are the pics on here. So before Christmas we went to Maryland to my sister-in-laws and she had gotten even more snow than we did. But my little niece loved it. I will post her pic on here to and show her off!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2009-12-25T19:17:00.000-08:00

I hope you all are having a good Christmas. We are having a good time. We are in Maryland at my sister-in-laws house and having so much fun! We have had so much fun playing with my niece. I thought that Christmas would be hard after recently finding out that I was not pregnant but the Lord blessed my heart with peace. We had a wonderful time and painted ornaments last night. Her and I made Christmas trees with construction paper and I felt so good. There are so many things that I want to do when I have kids of my own but right now I am enjoying doing those things with her. I want to have a baby so bad but I am going to enjoy my life right now the way it is. I know that it is hard sometimes but with the Lords help I will make it through! Please remember and pray for my grandmother. She is sick and is doing worse right now. I know that the Lord is control of all things! God Bless you all and I hope you all had a great CHRISTmas!

Praying for Peace in my Heart

2009-12-11T05:49:00.000-08:00

Things have been difficult for me the past week. I am tired of fighting this battle. I am taking a break for a couple months from fertility meds and I am going to try to focus on the Lord. I am wanting to be the person that I was before, a person who is excited about life and out there living and doing things. I have stopped doing everything and its like I keep waiting for my life to begin. Right now I am going to focus on moving and planning on getting our house. I want to look forward to things and have a happy marriage. We are happy and love one another but I want to be content with what I have. I know the longing for a child is not just going to leave me but I am praying that I can see the good in each day instead of the bad. Count my blessings instead of my trials. I would apprecite your prayers to help me deal with this. I am praying for peace in my life.God Bless you my friends.

It's Gonna Be With It

2009-11-20T17:25:00.001-08:00

Help from the Lord

2009-11-20T00:56:00.000-08:00

Well here is whats been going on. I had no positive OPK this month, I have been frustrated so bad. I have been drinking alot of cranberry juice to flush out my kidneys (i have to do this regularly to keep from getting kidney infection, I get them really easy) anyways my mother-in-law who is a lab tech said that this may have affected my OPK results. I am praying that is what happened. I go for bloodowork to get my progesterone level checked this morning. I hope I ovulated.

I went to church Wednesday night and I felt so burdened down when I got there. They began singing and when they had sang a few songs I felt the Lord dealing with me to go pray at the alter. So I went and prayed and cried for a long time. My sisters and brothers in the Lord came and gathered around me and prayed with me. I felt my buden getting lighter and lighter. I kept pouring my heart out to him, I was not going to get up from praying until I had completley poured my heart out to him. I began to feel strength in my heart, I began to hear guidance and answers from the Lord in my heart. I prayed that when the preaching came that the Lord would send me a message and to direct my footsteps and give me comfort and strength in my situation. When the brother began to preach I knew the Lord had answered my prayer and He had sent me the message I needed to hear. The message was that in the world you would have tribulation but in the Lord you would have peace, and not to worry because the Lord had overcome the world. And he preached about how we pray for something and it may seem impossible in mans eyes but that it is not impossible with the Lord. How that our faith is precious and how it becomes pure when it is tried in the fire...these trials we have to go through increases our faith. And he read the verse also about how we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed.

I cannot begin to explain the burden that the Lord lifted of of me..I was so depressed and had worried so much I had myself sick at my stomach and could not even eat or drink anything without feeling sick. But He brought me out of that. I am still frustrated at times and I am anxious to get my bloodwork back but the Lord is helping me get through this and I don't know when but I still believe that I will get my miracle.

Faith Can Move Mountains

2009-11-19T17:26:00.000-08:00

holding on...

2009-11-18T01:55:00.000-08:00

Well it has been a while since I have posted. I am still on the prometrium and clomid with no luck yet. I have had a very rough week. The devil has been fighting my mind so much and I have been once again falling into feelings of depression which is something that I try hard to stay away from. I want to feel like myself again, I want to feel happy again. I was so excited and believing that this was going to happen with all of my heart and now it is like I took a complete turn and feel it is not going to happen. Today all I could do was cry out to the Lord to just help me. I can't wait to get to church tonight. I know that the Lord will send me the help that I need to get through this valley. I know as we serve the Lord we have many valleys that we have to go through and I know that the Lord will help us through them all. Please pray for me.

Kari Jobe..You are For Me

2009-10-16T15:42:00.000-07:00

HOPING (:

2009-10-16T15:12:00.000-07:00

Well I got my progesterone back and it was 0.7 so I did not ovualte. The doctor called me in 150mgs of the clomid now and I have to take prometrium. I also have my other prescription for 100mgs. Do you all think it would be wise to to take them both and take the full 250mgs? Just a thought because they said they would eventually put me on the 250 if I don't ovulate with the other mgs. I don't know just wondering? I start back on the prometrium tomorrow so I am starting all over again. but I am blessed to have the opportunity to take it. I am optimistic and I am believing that this IS GOING TO HAPPEN!

Trouble won't last always

2009-10-07T18:20:00.001-07:00

I don't who this is but she has an amazing voice and I love the lyrics to this song they are so true.

Nothing But A Miracle Can Do

2009-10-05T01:25:00.000-07:00

still no positive OPK..

2009-10-01T19:00:00.000-07:00

I have had all the signs of ovulation and no positive OPK. I am not sure why? I keep waiting for it but nothing..I guess I am just being very impatient, I need to learn to be more patient and spend my time thinking upon the Lord and not what is going on around me. Today I feel exhausted and I am going to bed soon. Please all of you pray for me that the Lords will be done in my life.

Ovulation Crazy LOL

2009-10-01T03:49:00.000-07:00

I am on cycle day 11 and forgive me I am a little bit obsessive now about when and if I am going to ovulate and tonight I had a little pain in my side I am praying this is a sign of me going to ovulate and not another UTI. Well after I came home from church tonight I went to the bathroom and had spotted. At first I felt like my heart was going to be ripped out and that all of my hopes were shattered, Then I decided to look it up online and see if anyone ever experienced this before ovulating. So I am a bit confused right now. Is this a good sign or a bad sign? Right now I have no idea, I am searching everything to see. All I know is that ovulation is all I am thinking about. I know other people have went through this but I feel like I am the only one in the world right now dealing with this. Normal people get pregnant and everyone is surprised….my friends are going to know when I ovulate because I will be so happy that I will tell them…. Ok I read online that it is normal to spot right before ovulation and that it is a good sign of fertility. I hope they are right, do any of you know?

My Heart

2009-09-17T00:53:00.000-07:00

Is this reality or a dream maybe?
Can I really not have a baby?
I awoke to hear the crying
So very hard I am trying.
But the crying came from my own eyes
When I realized I could sing no sweet lullabies.
My feet walk upon barren ground
I wonder if I make a sound
Do they really know how I feel?
Though my lips stay so still
The days go by, the months, the years
When will you dry all my tears
They are ever flowing from my eyes
If they could see my heart they’d be surprised.
How long I have waited seems like eternity
I keep crying out why can’t it be me.
This lonesome journey I have to face
But I have to keep running this race
I my feet are tired, my heart is weary
I’ve been in the cold, how it is dreary
I ask this question, does anyone care
My heart is reminded He’s always been there
I wonder if childlessness is my fate
I wonder how long I’ll have to wait
In the cold and lonely night
I close my eyes and what a sight
I see me there holding you
Will this dream really come true
But with the mornings light my dreams all flee
My heart is broken, can’t you see
Upon my knees in deep despair
Once again, reminded, He’s always there
He says to ask and just believe
And it will be mine to receive
My heart is listening to the Lord
And on that day what galore
When I look into my babies eyes
I know that surely I will cry
I’ll thank the Lord for the miracle given to me
And what a great day that will be.
By Samantha

He is the answer

2009-09-15T07:51:00.000-07:00

I can make it through this, I am able to fight this fight. The Bible says that the Lord will go before us and fight our battles. That is a comfort to know that He can and will take care of us no matter what the outcome is in our situation. My desire is to grow closer to the Lord. To be one who hungers and thirsts after rightousness, one who has the fruits of the spirit abiding in my life. To be one who seeks the Lord daily and to live a pure and a clean life before him. The Lord holds our lives in his hands, he loves us. I know that in these situations in life we don’t understand why things happen, I have often wondered that and I still do. But deep in my heart I know that I serve one who hold my tomorrows in his hands and I know He will take care of me. I could not go through this battle without the Lord he has been my comfort from the storm, my place of refuge, my anchor. When the storms are raging he holds me still in the palm of his hand. If we trust in him we will not perish in the battle. If we could only see what He can sees we would know there is a reason for this battle. We all face different trials and tribulations in our lives but no matter what the problem HE IS THE ANSWER!

My Appt. at the Fertility Clinic (:

2009-09-07T23:57:00.000-07:00

I was so nervous about my appointment to the fertility clinic I thought my heart would actually stop before I got in there. I actually stopped on my way up there and bought a pregnancy test at Walmart and took it in a gas station bathroom. I thought maybe just maybe I am pregnant and won't have to go through with going to the Dr. Well, I wasen't preg. but I did make it to the Dr. It was at the Blugrass Fertility Center in Lexington with Dr. James Akin and I was so nervous. But when his nurse came in she made me feel so comfortable and she calmed me down. They were so very nice. He was just as friendly and kind as she was and I felt comfortable with him. I am so happy that he was nice. I need a Dr. that I can ask questions and talk to. Anyways, he wants me to take Clomid 100 mgs. and a pill called Prometrium that makes me have a period each month. My problem as far as I know is that I am not ovulating on my own. If this dosen't work in three cycles my husband and I have to both go back. He will have to have a sperm count and I will have to have the xray dye test to check my tubes. Of coarse my prayer is that I don't have to go back and that these pills work. I am going to start the prometrium tomorrow. So please please pray for me. I am very excited. And my hubby is worried lol because of the mood swings I had on the 50mgs of clomid just for that one month. I am usually a person always laughing and smiling and during that cycle with clomid I was terrrible. We always get along but during that time we didn't like each other at all, but we still loved each other(: On cycle days 21-23 the Dr. told me to go to the lab and have my progesterone level checked. Does any of you know what the level should be if I did ovulate. I am not very familiar with that and I am wondering. I will keep you updated on whats going on. I am very excited to be getting the chance to go through with this. Although my insurance is not paying a dollar, the only thing they covered were my labs and I am not even sure how much they covered on that. So just in case this dosen't work and I have to go back in three months I have to have money to pay so I have to save every penny that I can. My husband is the only one working right now because of my muscle problems and it is going to be difficult but I know with the help and the guidance of the Lord that we will be ok. I know that no matter the outcome of this the Lord will hold me in the palm of his hand. I have felt his peace at times when my world was crashing in, and felt his presence when I was rejoicing. He is amazing and no matter what happens I want to be a christian FIRST in my life and let everything eles come next.

Please Pray...

2009-08-27T00:08:00.000-07:00

After seven years of ttc I am now going to the fertility clinic. I have prayed and prayed for years about going and weather it was the time for me to go and right now I feel like it is the right time. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I can't help but get my hopes up but I am scared it may end in dissapoinment. But this is a chance that I am going to have to take. I am going to take the Clomid for now and if it dosen't work then I will go on and decide what to do from there. The IUI's at the clinic is 500 a cycle, a lot of money for me. But I will just wait and cross that bridge when I get there. I tried the Clomid 50 mgs for one month from my Gyn. and it gave me terrible hot flashes and very moody. But I did not ovulate with the 50 mgs. so I guess they will increase the dosage. I have been waiting and waiting for this opportunity to go and now it is finally here and I am happy about it. I just want you to pray that I wil be able to follow the Lords will for my life no matter what that is, but I do want you to pray that I could have a child. I have longed for this for so long. I am at the point of feeling desperation and if this fails I know I will be heartbroken. But I know the Lord is in control of my life and that weather I am a mother or not, I am still a christian saved by the grace of God and that is all that matters in this life. I would love to hear about you that have tried the clomid or even the IUI if you don't want to post it on here about your experience email me at manthamae07@gmail.com I am not sure what to expect and I am nervous and scred I have never been to a Dr. for this besides my Gyn. which I have been seeing forever. I hope to hear from some of you.

The Master of the Wind

2009-08-07T00:31:00.000-07:00

I love the words to this song, I know that I am serving the master of the winds, one who is in control of ALL things. I am loving the Lord and resting in the peace that he gives us.

Appreciate those People

2009-07-14T17:42:00.000-07:00

People take so much for granted..I look at people and I think.do they not realize what they have in their lives? Do they not realize the Lord has blessed them with children and they do not even seem happy about it. Me pointing my finger at them saying they don’t know what they got does not make me less guilty. There are so many things in my life that I take for granted. I have a loving husband, a mother, father, sister, three of my grandparents, so many family members in my husbands family, and so many friends that I cannot count them. And I am sitting here focusing on what I don’t have in my life. So many people could look at me, while I am feeling sorry for myself and say that I am taking my life and the people in it for granted and I am. So many people would love for their granparents and parents to be living. And I love them all and see them all the time. But what I am “trying to say” is that we all have many things in our lives to be thankful for. There are people in all of our lives that we take for granted. I want to start appreciating what I have in my life rather than focusing on what I don’t have.

Having Faith

2009-07-08T16:40:00.000-07:00

I admit there are many times that I ask myself WHY. Why do I have to endure my family being in the shape that they are in? Why is it that my body is in constant pain? Why is it that I can’t have the family that I have always dreamed of? WHY? But it is not up to me to know why. I do not have any of the answers to any of these questions, I may never know. But that is where my faith is. That is the hope that lies within me. Hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not. Then do we with patience wait for it and we know that Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Walking by faith and not by sight is hard sometimes but I know that I must rely on the Lord to get me through these battles that I have to face. I know that I must rely on His Word to get me through. I want to be a mother so bad that sometimes it takes my happiness away. When I should be focusing on the good on my life and all the blessings, I focus on the bad and what is going wrong. I want to be a strong person that is a witness for the Lord. I feel sorry for myself way to much. But I know in my heart that the Lord is on control and I can’t do anything without the Lord on my side. It breaks my heart to see others who are going through this battle of infertility, I wish that I could take away all their pain. Right now I have several close friends who are going through this, and if I could take the pain away from them I would. It just breaks my heart to know what they are going through.

what a day....

2009-06-13T00:30:00.000-07:00

I went shopping today after my Dr’s appointment. The malls are filled with babies, mothers, fathers, grandparents. Everywhere you look families are laughing, shopping, playing with one another. All the toy stores, all the baby clothes. I want to run and hide, I am tired of feeling alone. Just can’t seem to find my place in this world. Everyway I try to go I get a door slammed in my face. My faith is shaken, I can’t believe the shape that I am in. The heartache that feels it is overtaking my life. I just want a life to call my own, a life I am proud of. Can I trade in this life for another? I guess I can get no refund or trade in this scared infertile girl for a fertile happy woman. I want it to be me so bad instead of everyone eles. I need help.

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronis fatigue syndrome but now I am seeing a new Dr. and I have to have a bunch of new tests done so please pray for me. I have to have my bloodowrk done next week and then a nerve conduction tests (that scares me) I am hoping they can find something that they can treat and that I will start feeling better.

How long will the storm last or will it go on forever?

2009-06-10T17:15:00.000-07:00

I don't know how much more I can stand, I am the person that always has a smile on my face, the one who is always telling a joke, the one who looks on the bright side of things. I can't do it anymore. I feel like I am loosing my will to fight this, what can I do? I don't feel that I can survive the days anymore. Why awake in the morning just to be broken hearted again? I want to scream and cry, I feel like I am begging for happiness that will never come true. I want the lives of those around me, I want to be a mother. I love my husband, he is my safe place to run. But the guilt of nt be having to have him a child is tearing my heart into. Will I never be able to tell him I am pregnant? Will this torment in my mind go on forever? I feel like I should let go of this dream but I am holding on, holding on for dear life to it. I feel like my life will fall apart if I have to let go of this dream. I always thought it was only natural to want a child but my feelings don't feel natural. I feel the depression and the darkness trying to drown my heart out. I feel guilty because I think I should be happy and trust the Lord. I love the Lord and I know that he is able, but my heart is afraid. I am falling into a place that I have never been before. Why is this the only thing that I can think of? Lord, please help me with this, I am broken hearted, I am confused, I am helpless and I need you to rescue me. The rain feels like it won't quit falling in my life and I can't tell those around me. I feel like I have to pretend to be the happy one and it is tearing me apart. I am dying inside, I am screaming and no one hears me. No love and happiness seems it will be in my life, only sadness, heartbreak, and my broken dreams shattered at my feet.

Keep Hoping and Praying

2009-05-15T00:20:00.000-07:00

Well I haven't posted on here in a little while. My friend that was pregnant after five years of infertility had her baby, a beautiful healthy baby girl. She is beautiful and amazing, such a great miracle. After two misscarriages she has her miracle baby that we have been praying for. She is already an amazing mother. My friend that has been struggling for years got news that she may be able to adopt a boy, there have been a few complications with it, so please remember them in your prayers. I would love to see the Lord move in this situation and give her this baby if it is His will. I know that she will make a great mother. She lost her baby six years ago and this baby and hers have the same birthday. So she is really believing that it is the Lords will for her to have this child. I know that the adoption process is hard and and sometimes people get hurt and heartbroken durung it and I am just worried about her getting hurt. And I just read on Alesha's blog " on the outside looking in" that she is pregnant. I am so happy for all these people and how the Lord is moving in their lives. I know that the Lord is in control and that we just have to be patient and sometimes just stand still. Mothers Day was sad for me but the Lord did comfort me and we had a great church service. I have just been very emotional the past few days, it seems like I can't quite crying and crying. I took a pregnancy test the other day and it was a big negative. I had made myself believe that I was pregnant, I had the stomach virus and I had convinced myself that I was pregnant. It was just very hard on me this time to see the negative sign. I wanted to run away but what would I have run away from? Please keep me in your prayers, it seems like I was doing so good with it and then I hit another valley.

a beautiful day (: (:

2009-04-23T14:30:00.000-07:00

I WAS BORED SO I TOOK PICS DOWN BY THE CREEK BEHIND OUR HOUSE TODAY, ME AND MY DOG SPENT THE DAY TOGETHER LOL!
Today was such a beautiful day, the sun was shining and it was just gorgeous. Living here in the mountains in Kentucky is beautiful this time of year. Everything is blooming and it is so quiet. So I walked outside and I took pictures. Ok, I do have a point here, I wanted so bad to have a child with me today of my own. I wanted to play in the yard with them, let them swing. When the weathers warm I want to be able to take my kids to the creek behind the house and let them play in the water. I am not asking for the material things in this life. I just want a child. I want to come in the house after a long day outside of playing with my child, bath, have dinner, and enjoy the simple things like tucking my baby in the bed at night. As I sat and watched Anthony cutting the grass this morning I thought of all the people who have simple days like this with their children and take them for granted. Oh what I would give to have that chance today.

i wonder........

2009-04-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

They understand not the depth of my nor the source of it. They think, oh she can't have a baby that is sad. To me it is more than sad. I am experiencing death here. Why don't know why infertility has to hurt so bad. There is an isolation that goes along with this, feeling alone is a bad feeling. I long to talk to and communicate with people who know how I feel. I feel isolated from the "fertile" world. Visiting a new mother and baby rips my heart into.I am constantly sitting here waiting to become a mother. I am crying on the inside constantly, it takes very little to get the tears flowing on the outside. Sometimes I think what is wrong with me??
Anthony and I babysat my best friends new little baby Sunday evening. As we sat there on the couch I told him that was how I wanted to spend my life. It was such a good feeling just sitting there holding the baby and talking to each other. And watching him with a baby makes me want one even more. He is so great with babies and to watch him play with his neice is increadable. Seeing how much he loves her makes me fall in love with him all over again. I just wonder sometimes why such an amazing person like him has to struggle like this. He is dying to be a father and I can’t do anything about it. It breaks my heart, but I know that this has brought us closer, we have such a great bond of love and friendship that I am so thankful for. Soemtimes I just can’t help but wonder why?

Praise You

2009-04-07T10:54:00.000-07:00

I love the words of this song. Because no matter the storm that we are facing in our lives we should praise the Lord through it.

Loving Life

2009-04-05T13:55:00.000-07:00

Today went good. We had a very good church service, I think I cried the whole time. I cried and cried and I know the Lord saw every tear. I wanted to lean on him today and know the he is in control. The preaching was good. He preached about having confidence in our salvation and in the Lord. Knowing that the Lord is able to do all things and that we have to give it all to him. Having that hope living in us, that the Lords hears our cries. And that one day we are going to reach our home in heaven. My church is my life. They are my family. We are all so very close and I thank the Lord for them all. They give me the encouragment and the love that I need to keep on going. I was reading my Bible this morning before I left for church in the book of Isaiah and there were so many verses that comforted me and let me know that the Lord is the giver of life and that He made all things. With just a word he could speak and out life into our empty wombs. With just a word he could change our lives forever. With His help I will serve him until my dying day. I know that I have hard days, but I thank the Lord for the good and the bad. On the good days He has put that joy in my heart, and on my bad days He is right there to comfort me.

Still Waiting.....

2009-04-03T19:13:00.000-07:00

Today I babysat my cousins little girl. We had such a good day. Days like these I realize that being a mother would be the best thing in the world. Watching cartoons and eating breakfast this morning. Then we got out and done the things that I needed to get done today. We came back and took a nap, then we got up and ate again. I want that life. It may seem simple to someone eles but I would love for my days to be like that. I want to be a mother more than anything, It just felt so much better having a child in the house today. Hearing the laughter, seeing the smiles, it was all so good. I know that I was meant to be a mother, I feel it with everything that is in me. I knoe that I am ready, but I don't understand why I still have to wait. But the Lord knows all things. He sees the whole picture, he sees the things that I cannot see. He knows the things that my small mind can't even comprehend. I can't help but want a baby so bad, this is a desire that just won't leave me. I love the Lord and I am here still waiting....

Broken Hearted

2009-03-29T14:27:00.000-07:00

My best friend had her baby, everything went very well for her. I thank the Lord for that,that she had a healthy baby. He is beautiful, I am already in love with him! I changed him last night and he has already pooped and peed on me so we pretty good friends now lol. When I heard him cry I just broke down crying, I held in in all day until that point and then there was no stopping all the tears. And they are still coming. I was very excited but when everything was over and when I walked into my house I realized that she had a miracle in her life and when I walked in here I still I had the silence, the lonliness. Nothing has changed for me. I am still not a mother. My friends let me have a bog part in their childrens lives and let me babysit them whenever I like, they are always so good about making me included in their lives. But I do wish that it was my time, I want to be the one who hears that cry for the first time and knows that it is my baby, to be the one bringing home a baby. Will I get over this? My heart is broken, this helplessness and lonliness that I feel is consuming me. I didn't know that it would be this hard. I have been through this with my friends before and I have never felt this desperate. Why not us? why not me? Why everyone but me? Please Lord, hear my cry tonight, please Lord have mercy on me, I need your strength , I need your help right now. This pain is unbearable.Today I am bearly holding onto my dream that I will become a mother, I know that the Lord will send me strength and that I will be optimistic once again but for today the pain is to real.

I usually don't listen to music like this but I heard this and it seemed like I could feel every word that it said.

Crying Inside

2009-03-27T01:17:00.000-07:00

Well I came back from the hospital tonight they are not going to induce her labor until noon tomorrow so I thought I would come home and rest for a little while. I cannot sleep it is 4:00am. I have been up all night. My mind seems like it is racing. My husband came home from work tonight and we just started talking. He ask me how she was doing and I just broke down. It made me feel better though to let it all out. To cry and say that I wish it was me, I wish it was my turn. I am sorry if I sound selfish right now but thats how I feel. I was trying before she got pregnant the first time. Now her little boy is four and so we always talked about when she had another one that we may be pregnant together at the same time. Tomorrow she will give birth and I have yet to experience that. I was so optimistic earlier and now the stress is getting to me. How many more years will it be or will it ever happen. I know that no one has the answer for that but the Lord. I had to get on here and vent a little before I went crazy. Praying to the Lord and writing how I feel really does help me. I feel like no one thats around me understand me.They understand not the depth of my nor the source of it. They think, oh she can't have a baby that is sad. To me it is more than sad. I am experiencing death here. Why don't know why infertility has to hurt so bad. There is an isolation that goes along with this, feeling alone is a bad feeling. I long to talk to and communicate with people who know how I feel. I feel isolated from the "fertile" world. I have been surprised at the way felt towards people who had children in my family.-visiting a new mother and baby rips my heart into.I am constantly sitting here waiting to become a mother. I am crying on the inside constantly, it takes very little to get the tears flowing on the outside. Please remember my friend in your prayers that the Lord will watch over them and keep her and her baby safe. I love them both with all of my heart.

Safe in the Arms of the Lord

2009-03-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

You all pray for me today. My best friend, the one I had the baby shower for has to go into the hospital at 5:00 today. They are going to induce her labor early in the morning. I am going to go and be with her. I am happy and excited for her but you all know the feelings that go along with being around preg. women and babies. Just pray that I can be a help and a friend to her. I want this to be her happy moment, even if I have to hide my hurt. I know that the Lord can work miracles and he can give us peace and joy in our heart when it feels like our world is spinning out of control. One day it will be my day, one day I WILL be experiencing this. For today it hurts but I know that if we suffer with the Lord we will reign with him. I know that the Lord will not put on us more than we can bear and I find comfort in that. Knowing that he is the author and the finisher of our faith. Today I am trusting in him and knowing that when the time comes tomorrow that the Lord will give me the strength that I need to make it. I may cry like a baby but I know that that comfort and that love of God will be abiding in my heart. I am safe in the arms of the Lord.

While I'm Waiting

2009-03-23T23:37:00.001-07:00

I LOVE THE WORDS IN THIS SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COMPLETLEY

2009-03-23T23:15:00.000-07:00

I am complaining

2009-03-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

I know that there is a part missing in my life. I know that there is a part of me that is somewhere eles. I need to find it. Where is it? I don’t know. Where is the child that I have been praying for? The one I have cried for? The one that I have begged for?
Why is my bodying betraying me this way, what is wrong with me?? Why am I being cheated out of this experience that so many others have so easily? Where is my future? What is my future? I have this deep sense of helplessness and I am overwhelmed with the unfairness of it all. I don’t even feel like a woman, I don’t think I will until I become a mother. This is robbing me of my rights to be what I have always dreamed of. Will I ever lead a normal life, or is the my “normal?” This is not a small problem, to me this is a major crisis in my life. These painful feelings have shaken me to the core. This can’t be happening to us. Will I ever wake up from this nightmare that surrounds me each moment.

I would die for that Kellie Coffey

2009-03-23T00:06:00.000-07:00

I know the man

2009-03-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

I know the man: I know the man who is the giver of life. I know the man who understands who I am, what I am going through. There is never a tear that I have cried that the Lord has not seen. There has never been a prayer of mine that the Lord has not heard. Thank you Jesus, for being there for me in the darkest of my nights, thank you for leading me through the valleys, without letting me fall. Thank you for that safe place in the storm, you are my hope, in you I will put my trust. When the waves of sorrow overwhelm me, I will fall upon my knees and give it to you and know that you will make a way for me. You are my life. When I can’t cope with all my problems at one time you are there to carry the load. These circumstances that I face I cannot change but I know you can and I will follow you wherever you lead me. Let me be a willing vessel to work for you. Thank you precious Master for all you have given me. I love you Lord, you are my rock and my fortress.

my husband that i love very much

2009-03-12T00:30:00.000-07:00

I JUST POSTED THIS PHOTO ON HERE OF MY HUSBAND BECAUSE I ALWAYS LOVED IT, I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT LOOKED SAD THOUGH BECAUSE BESIDE HIM SITTING I COULD PICTURE MY CHILD.

What??

2009-03-12T00:09:00.003-07:00

I have been reading Alicias Blog over at "Consider it All Joy", and about what she heard today about someone saying that a womb can be closed because we are being punished for some sin in our lives. That makes me so mad that there are people out there that think that we that are "infertile' are all being punished for some "unknown sin" in our lives. Us that know the Lord know that we are serving a loving God and when the Lord saved our souls all of our past sins have been forgiven. We are covered by the blood of Jesus. For people to think that we are being punished for a sin that happened even years ago is appalling to me. Obviously they don't know the grace and the mercy of the Lord. Obviuosly they are not wise enough to know that our sins are cast as far as the east is to the west. I don't get angry over much but for someone to presume something like that makes me mad. I mean, do they not think how others will feel when they hear these comments like this? Whoever Alicia heard say this was probably not someone who had ever experienced infertility or they would not have made such a comment. I will hush now. i just had to vent how mad I was over this.

Thankful

2009-03-09T22:16:00.001-07:00

Thanks for the prayers, the shower went well. There were a couple tough times during it but the Lord gave me strength and put joy in my heart. I had a hard time Sat night but when I went to church on Sunday the Lord really came by and blessed me. That good Holy Ghost sent from above always gives that comfort and strength that we need. Just like the Lord said when He went away into heaven that He would send that Comforter to us. The Lord is amazing in all that He is able to do. Sometimes when I sit back and think of all the miracles that He performed I am amazed. To know that we serve that same God that parted the Red Sea, that gave sight to the blind, that healed the sick, that raised the dead and one that opened the wombs of many women when it seemed impossible. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is able to perform miracles today!! He is able to lead and direct our paths in ways that we never thought we could go. He can give us courage, he can increase our faith. I know that there are many of you out there facing many different things but the Lord is able to move in situations that seem impossible. Sometimes we get down pray and fast to get closer to the Lord. Today I am resting in that wonderful peace from the Father above, and I am thankful to be a Child of God.

today will be hard

2009-03-07T05:25:00.000-08:00

MyHotComments

Today is my best friends baby shower which I am having for her. I dread it. I love her more than I could ever say but when I go to these baby showers my heart feels like it is being ripped from my chest, has any of you ever felt this way? I want this to be my baby shower, I want to be the one opening the gifts and bringing them home, and soon be expecting the miracle that I have longed for. I guess I am just selfish and jealous. I am venting on here saying the things that I will say to no one. I need help from the Lord today. Please remember me in your prayers that I can be a good friend and put my self and my feelings out of the way so this can be her happy day. I have not been on here writing lately, I have been so depressed and in so much pain. The pain in my muscles has moved into my arms and hands now so I get tired of I type a lot. But I am going to try to get back on here later today and catch up on some of your blogs. My friend Alicia, you know who you are, I am going to have read your blog I haven't had the chance in a while. Keep in your prayers today my friends.

2009-02-17T13:00:00.000-08:00

Needing to Breathe

2009-02-17T12:54:00.000-08:00

I fear the unknown, not knowing what tomorrow brings is an impossible agonizing feeling. You wonder will this month be the month that my life will change forever or will it be just another disappointment. This is a very winding road with many turns. There are so many turns in the road and to many speed bumps along the way. This road can leave you mentally exhausted. I want to say "Go away storms, please go away right now" and have them listen to me but they don't. I have found comfort in knowing that I serve the one that can command the storms and have them cease. There is this realization in the back of my mind that my dreams may never be a reality and that scares me to death. I am weeping for our empty cradle that may never be filled. I have felt alone and in despair. Am I even meant to have a child.. My friends do not understand the reality of my loss.I am so tired, I wish that this desire to have a child would leave me. I am afraid to think that I may have to live my life and know what it feels like to be a mother. For most people having babies seem to come as easily as breathing. And I feel like I can't even take a breath and I need to take a breath.

Pictures on the Fridge

2009-02-12T22:33:00.000-08:00

How can going and getting something to drink in the fridge remind me of the fact that I am not a mother? Is it possible that something so simple could be such a huge problem. I walked to the fridge and looked at the pictures on it and I see all ages of children. Children that I love, however, do not belong to me. Things that they have drawn hang there also. I go ahead and open the door and get something out trying to put the thought in the back of my mind. But the thought does not go away. Will there ever come a day when my childrens picture will be covering the outside of the refrigerator? Will there be a time when I can hang their drawings onto it? So many things would be different if there was a child in my life. Little things and big things would be different. Things that normal people would probably never even think about. I would love to have to pick up toys in the living room that were scattered everywhere before I went to bed. I want to hear the sound of cartoons on my TV as I stand in the kitchen watching dishes. I have experienced this as I babysitted and I always wished that it would be my child in the living room. I always loved the sight of the car seat in the back of my car, it belonged to the little girl that I would babysit. Her and I would go places during the days and I loved spending time with her. I would like to have a permanent car seat in my car. One that would stay there at the end of the day, one that belonged to my baby. I know that the subject of car seats may be a boring subject to most but when you have no children there are small things that would really make a difference. When we first began trying I used to love going to the baby section in Walmart and look at all the baby clothes, and all the things that I thought that I would soon be buying. However as the years went by I learned to dislike that section very much. No one realizes that when you do not have a child that everything around you is a reminder of what you don't have in your life. I have walked down the baby isle buying something for a baby shower, crying so hard I had to leave. I want to be able to buy diapers, bottles, formula. People that have children don't seem to realize what a blessing it is to be able to buy these things. I would love to go down the toy isle and have a child. There are so many things Lord that I want to do, why can't I do them? Why me? Why out of everyone around me do I have to be the one that can't me a mother? I am tired of looks of pity from people when I talk about a child, I am tired of being the one at baby showers who feels so out of place, feeling that the tears are going to explode any minute. I am tired of watching everyone eles get their miracles and not me. I am lonely Lord, I know you are there and I know you understand. I am sorry that I question you. I am just having a hard time right now and I feel like I can't even breathe for the pain in my heart.

TAGGED

2009-02-11T21:32:00.000-08:00

Hey, I was Tagged by www.consideritalljoy.blogspot.com by my great friend Alicia!!! I am supposed to list 25 random things about myself then tag two other people. I thought this was fun, maybe we can learn some new facts about one another!
1.) The Lord saved me five years ago this month, and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me!!
2.) I love watching reality tv shows!!
3.) Alicia has become a great friend to me
4.) I am overweight, and I love ice cream, I am now on a diet LOL
5.) Going to church and serving the Lord is the most important thing in my life.
6.) I love to sit on the porch on rainy days.
7.) I want to be a nurse
8.) I love music, especially gospel!!!!
9.) I love getting on myspace and www.childlessnotbychoice.com and Ebay!!
10.) My family desperatly needs to be saved
11.) I have fibromyalgia
12.) my hubby is my best friend in the world, we have been friends since we were in the third grade.
13.) I do not have a job right now
14.) I love to go to Gatlinburg TN
15.) I love talking to older people and listening to stories about when they were young.
16.) I live in the hills of Kentucky (I am a hillbilly)
17.) I love to write
18.) I love to read my Bible and study the word of God
19.) My father was in an accident last year and recieved a brain injury and his right side was paralyzed and the Lord spared his life when they gave us no hope.
20.) I love baby lotion
21.) I want to be a help to others
22.) I love popsicles , cherry ones
23.) I cry easily
24.) I love to talk to my friends
25.) I am a sinner saved by grace!!

The Sound of Nothing

2009-02-11T21:30:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am sitting here in my chair, Anthony is asleep on the couch. There is no sound in the house except for the keys on the computer as I am typing this. The sound of nothing is overwhelming. I feel lonesome tonight. Maybe the quietness is to much for me. Sometimes the distractions of the day keep my mind on other things. But when the night comes and all is still I am reminded of the sounds that I don't have in my life. I will go to bed in a little bit. I will not be awakened by the sound of a baby crying in the night needing it's mommy or daddy to hold it tight. No sound of tiny feet running to our bed because he/she is scared. No sound will I hear of its daddy telling her/him that everything will be ok and that daddy will protect her/him from everything. No sound of laughing as my child hears bedtime stories, wanting to hear it again and again. How I long to hear so many sounds. Who knew that the absence of sounds could be so scary to the soul. To hear the words "your pregnant!" How I cannot imagine the joy that would bring. To see my baby on the screen in the dr.'s office and to hear the heartbeat for the first time. To know that there is a life growing inside of me. A baby that is a part of me and Anthony, will we ever get to share that bond of making a child together? To hear them say "it's a boy or it's a girl" oh how would that feel? To hear my childs first cry as they hand my baby to me for the first time, to hear the first laughter that fills the room with excitement. Will we hear the words mommy and daddy ever said aloud to us? Or will it only be in the back of our minds in a dream? To hear the words I love you. All those things is a million dreams away from me. And the reality is that I am sitting here in an almost dark house praying that I will be able to experience these things before I die. I feel like my heart could stop beating at any time because of pain. How my heart is filled with fear, I am overwhelmed at the thought of us being alone. I look around, there is someone missing from our lives. We are the only ones grieving for this child. No one around me is grieving for my child, the child I may never know. I don't expect them to grieve. For this was not their dream, but mine. There is a vast emptiness inside me swelling up with every breath. There is a tidal wave of grieve drowning out my soul. Will we still be alone when our friends are grandparents? Lord, please complete my life and give me this one request that I have of you. I am scared tonight Lord and scarred from the battle and I need your comfort.

A Molding of Character

2009-01-20T23:08:00.000-08:00

I read somewhere that those that go through major trials in their lives have better character than those that don’t. I don’t exactly know if I believe that. However,I do believe that going through these things can be a major molding in your character. We could use this trial for the good. We could have a definite growth in our faith and character. Growing spiritually in the Lord is a great thing. Coming to a place where we can put our faith and trust in him, knowing that He is the most important part in our life is a priceless treasure. Knowing that the Lord has a reason behind this. God has a plan for our lives. We may not know all the reasons that we are on this long and painful journey but we serve the one that does. There are times when we feel alone but the Lord suffered more than our minds can imagine. He suffered for us, and he is there for us when we need him. We are not alone, we are never alone. Going through these difficulties are sometimes a way for us to grow closer to the Lord and get to know Him and His ways better. It is up to us how we let the circumstances mold us. If we knew the future and knew what the Lord knew we would know all the “whys” that are in our minds. God may be using us and our circumstances to help others who are hurting. He knew that we were strong enough to endure this, and we know that the Lord would not put on us more than we were able to bear. We can help others, we can talk to them about what the Lord has done for us. How He comforts us in our hardest of times. I just think that there are so many ways that we could use this problem of ours to help others. There are many people going through this that don’t even know the Lord and don’t turn to him when they are in need. In my personal opinion I have no idea how they can live their lives and go through this without knowing the Lord personally. My prayer is that if I could just help one person to come to the Lord and choose him as their savior than this battle I am fighting would be worth it. We need to strive to be christians first and mothers second. I want a child more than most people could imagine, but above that I long to serve the Lord for the rest of my life.

Lessons Learned

2009-01-16T03:37:00.000-08:00

I have cried to the Lord “please help me Lord, I can’t make it through this” I have felt so much isolation during my suffering. Mostly because I left my infertility a secret for a few years. I have heard people say “You need to have the patience of Job.” I know this is true however after the pain went on and on with Job he eventually cried out to the Lord wondering why this was happening to him. And he was a man of great faith in God. He was an innocent and righteous man that suffered a great loss. People that have struggled with circumstances are all in the Bible. They have poured out their hearts to the Lord in frustration and in heartbreak. At times I have felt guilty because I felt this way, I felt I didn’t have the faith that I should. It is not wrong to feel this way, however we don’t need to stay in this state of mind. Admitting I am powerless is a very hard thing to do. We have to give it all to the Lord. We are in a battle for control. But it is beyond our control. Surrendering to the Lord and giving Him the battle is sometimes hard after we have held onto this problem for so long by ourselves. Admitting that I don’t have all the answers. I have spent a lot of time praying, crying, begging, trying to find a resolution to our problem. But I have no answers. I have come to a place where I know that no matter what happens, no matter how much suffering I have to go through on this journey, I will still love the Lord. He could answer my prayer with just one word. He has the power to allow conception or prevent it from happening. However at the moment He is choosing not to give me a child. I know not the reason. Do in my flesh I think it fair, no. But my spiritual man knows that the Lord is in control. Who am I to question the Lord, really? God knows our needs and he cares about us. He is not punishing us for something we have done. Because when the Lord saves our soul, our sins are to never be remembered anymore. I have felt like I was being punished for something, that if I figured out what it was the Lord would give me a child. This way of thinking is wrong. Besides all of our own thoughts we have an enemy, the devil who will put thoughts in our minds. He will try to make us doubt the Lord because the devil is seeking to devour us, to get our soul that belongs to the Lord. He will put thoughts in our minds against our brothers and sisters in the Lord. Because he is as the Bible says “the accuser of the brethren.” He will cause us to question our relationship with the Lord. That’s why we need to seek the Lord and know the devises of Satan. If I had not gone through this I would have not learned the lessons that the Lord had in store for me to learn. He has humbled me and I am learning more everyday. He has brought me opportunities to speak to others about what I have gone through, I have made friends that I probably would have never met if it weren’t for this. We can use this as an opportunity to witness about what the Lord has done for us no matter the outcome that we have. The Lord is faithful and His mercy endureth forever. You are not alone through this, the Lord is carrying you through. Make today count, yesterday is gone, and we may never see tomorrow.

The Stages of Grief

2009-01-14T12:02:00.000-08:00

I was reading a book about the stages of grief in a fertility book. Before I began to read the section I thought, “I am not going through stages of grief!” However as I began to read the emotions were quite familiar to me. As I read I saw that the first stage was denial. And yes, in past years I was in denial about me being infertile. And even now, after the Clomid did not work and I did not ovulate, I thought “Maybe there is a chance that I could be pregnant, maybe the OPK was wrong, maybe I did ovulate.” Denial is still here quite a bit. The next step was anger. Was I angry? Have I been angry? Yes I have, I know this step very well. No need for an introduction we have known each other for quite a few years. I have been angry over the powerlessness that I have felt. Angry at all those around me who seemed not to understand. And angry at anyone who could get pregnant when they wanted to. Bargaining was next. I have bargained with the Lord in my mind. Thinking that if I went to church as I was supposed to, read the word as much as I could that he would then hear my prayer. Somewhere inside I thought that if I done this I could deserve a child. But I thank the Lord that He showed me that a child was not something that we could deserve or was not something that He owed to me. When or if I am blessed with a child it is a “gift” from the Lord. The next stage in grief was depression. An old “friend” of mine, we already familiar with each other. It is easy for me to fall into depression if I am not careful. If I am in physical pain with my muscles for a few days and have to stay in bed a lot I will get depressed. I guess with to much time to think I think of how badly I want a child and how badly that I feel and I can become depressed. I think that the anger that we sometimes feel is what brings on the depression. Feeling that so many of my body parts(inside and out) are defective weighs on my mind a lot. The next stage was mourning. I think that the stage mourning is when we cry and show emotion for the deep loss that we have suffered. I guess many people would view this as crazy. That someone who has not physically lost someone is mourning. But I have mourned for the loss of a child I may never know, for the loss of all the dreams that I have had since I was a little girl. There is deep sorrow in infertility. And only those that have experienced it can know how it feels and to what depth that the pain really goes. And the final stage is acceptance, which I have really not experienced yet. I have yet to come to the conclusion that I will never have kids. That hope is still there, weather I have a child or adopt. I know that this is not a very uplifting subject but reading through the stages of grief made me feel that I wasen’t going crazy and that people have to go through these things in order to deal with what has happened. Just as losing a loved one, we that suffer infertility have a great loss to grieve over as well.

Damaged but Not Broken

2009-01-12T03:48:00.000-08:00

The feelings that I have had along this winding road is many. I have felt helpless. I can do nothing to make my body be able to have a child. I myself cannot change the situation that we are in. I have felt like I was less of a woman because I have not been able to get pregnant. My pride has been hurt by this. I always felt I could do anything that I set my mind to yet I cannot do this. I feel like less of a wife to my husband, though he assures me that his love is unconditional, and I believe him. Sometimes the questions come “Why Us?” Why are we having to go through this while we watch friends have one right after another? And why does it have to hurt this bad? This battle seems to rage continually in my mind. I did not get to take the Clomid this month due to my change in dr.’s I don’t go to the RE until the 19th and I feel like it has been an eternity. The waiting is killing me. There is a lot of pain and a lot of questions that I have in my mind. Even though life has been hard through this trial I know that the Lord is in control and watching over us. Uncertainty is the biggest fear I have. Not knowing how long it will take to conceive a child or if ever we will. People say forget about it and you will get pregnant. I just can’t stop wanting a baby. I think that there are some sicknesses that only the almighty Physician can heal. Some things that doctors can’t do no matter how hard they try.

I am trying to be more like myself again. I know that the stresses of infertility has changed me. The only time I feel like my old self is when I am with my husband and he always make me laugh and forget what is going on. His humor of how I have made it through. Keeping our marriage strong is more important than being consumed in this quest for a child. With a husband as wonderful and loving as mine it makes me want children even more so that I can see this love in him as he becomes a father. He has never complained about wanting anything to change or made me feel like he would prefer someone eles instead of me and for that I am grateful. We are in this together and that is where I find comfort. We have been down a difficult road together, we have both suffered the feelings of loss, and we have a bond and a love that will last a lifetime. This is absolutley the greatest burden that I have ever had to bear. But I will not give up Hope. I will believe in the impossible. I want to hold on to my faith in the Lord. I want to have a positive attitude with others. I want to be inspired by the word of God and be an unstoppable worker for the Lord. My heart and my dreams may be damaged for now but they are not broken so I will keep going on. I read a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson that said “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”

the day the LORD saved my soul

2009-01-10T17:47:00.002-08:00

The Lord saved my soul in Feburary 2004. I was at work that day (I was a nursing assistant at a hospital) and the nurse that was on duty, whom I had grown to love very much, she began talking to me about the Lord. (My grandparents had always taken me to church but I had not been in a long time. I was lost and I had never accepted the Lord into my life and repented of my sins.) And as she talked to me and told me how the Lord had changed her life I began to think about my own life. And she talked about the Lord and how much better her life was with Him in it. I had never been saved. Her words stayed with me all day long. And that night as I drove home I just out it put of my mind, and when I got a couple miles from the house the Lord began to deal with my heart. I felt a burden on me so heavy that I knew I had to pray to him, really pray to him for the first time in my life. When I pulled into the driveway. I left all of my stuff in the car, I got out of the car and fell to my knees. I prayed for a long time out there and I asked the Lord to forgive me of all the wrong I had done, and to save my soul. And I felt that burden lift off of me, like never before, I felt so free. I know most people get saved in churches but the Lord dealt with me and saved me right there. I prayed still as I walked into the house. I searched for a Bible and I found one. I said "Lord, I am unlearned and please show me that I am truley saved." I closed my eyes, opened my Bible to whatever the Lord wanted me to read, I had never read my Bible before this time. I opened my eyes and my eyes fell onto the scripture that the Lord had for me, For everyone that calls upon the name of the Lord, they shall be saved. I felt the Lord at that moment and I knew my life was changed forever. I ran out to my mothers house and woke them up telling them that I had been saved, then I called everyone that I was close to and told them I was so happy. The Lord saved me from going down an bad road. From following those around me. I could have went down that same road that they did but the Lord saved me, and I am thankful. I then prayed that the Lord would lead me to a church where he would have me to go, a place that would feed me with knowledge and understanding. A place where people loved one another. And that is what I found. A great church with people that I love dearly. Then I was baptized in the creek in front of the church and what a wonderful day that was! I praise the Lord for dying for my sins so that I could be saved.

Friendships and Life

2009-01-08T22:54:00.000-08:00

Life seems to be so rushed and everyone is always in a hurry. Do people ever take time out of their busy lives to be a friend to others. To have friends that we can count on and be there for us we first have to be a friend to them and show them that we care about what they are going through. Sometimes we have to be a listening ear to our friends instead of talking. To be a witness to this lost world? I think that sometimes we need to just slow down and listen to the Lord. Ask Him for guidance and in what direction He would have us to go. We get so busy with appointments and doctors that we don’t take the time to call upon the Lord and ask Him which way we should go. Seek the Lord and try to see what plans He has for you. Listen to what He is really telling your heart, let the Holy Ghost direct your path. Then stand firm and follow what He has instructed you to do. Lord I want you to take control, I give you my whole heart. You are always with me and have never left my side and for that I want to thank you. your strength will help me to stand strong in the face of the enemy and the doubts that come into my mind. You have made it possible for to me to do anything that I want and the ability to achieve my dreams.

Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort then which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. 2 Corinthians 1:4

I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way that thou should go; I will guide thee with mine eye Psalm 32:8

Lead me in thy truth, and teach me; for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day. Psalm 25:5

Trust in the Lord with all thine hear; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope is in the Lord Jeremiah17:7

Faithfully Waiting

2009-01-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

Though the storms may come and shake my faith, though the lightning may crash and unsettle my soul, though the enemy comes to fight a battle agianest me, I will still love you Lord. Through the day and night you have been my anchor on the raging sea, in my midnight cries in the darkness you have been my light and my peace, In the raging of others againest me you have been my comfort and shield. You are all things to me. I could not take a breathe without your mercy, I could not open my eyes without your grace. I could not take a step without your charity. I could not speak a word without your wisdom. I could not hear a word but by your voice. What a joy you have put in my soul, what wonderous thoughts you have put in my mind. For the inspiration you have put in my ears from others, and the prayers that come forth from my lips. The desires of my heart are known unto you. Your promises keep me still through the night. How I love you Lord, how I love your ways.
Faithfully waiting upon you Lord.

Jan. 6th 2009

2009-01-06T20:14:00.000-08:00

In spite of the things that I am facing I can still see how good the Lord has been to me and all the prayers that He has answered for me. It helps me to be able to share my experiences and struggles with you all. And for you to have the courage to all have shared your stories with me. You all have given me much insight on many things. There have been times in my life that I felt like I was hanging on by a thread to happiness and if it broke I would fall into despair forever. I have felt so invisible to other people so many times in my life. Like when everyone is talking the “parent talk” or “birth stories” I feel like I am invisible. I can’t say a word, yet I don’t want to just leave, I am afraid they will see my broken heart that way. My feet are frozen and I can’t move. Do they see the pain in my eyes, can they hear the breaking of my heart? It sounds loud to my ears yet they don’t hear it. Or they just choose not to. Certain people discourage me when I am around them about having a child. I put on a smile and try to please them but sometimes I feel like screaming at them. They give me such discouraging advise. They tell me just to give up and forget about, that some people just can’t have children. Even though I know that is true I am not ready to give up, I just can’t right now. I know that the Lord is in control and with Him on my side I can't give up HOPE!!!

when will it happen for me?

2009-01-06T01:02:00.000-08:00

Tonight I felt overwhelmed by all the things that are going on in my life and I find myself worrying about things that are out my hands. Why is my heart aching so bad for a child? I want to know what it's like to have a mothers love in my heart. How can I grieve for someone that I have never knew? Will these tears continue to fall down like rain? The people around us are supportive yet they don't fully understand what we are going through. People are going on with their lives happily living as parents and here we are trying our best survive what we are going through. Without him I cannot make it, he is my best friend. At the end of the week I will be taking a pregnancy test and I wish with everything in me that it would be positive. And if it's not I just dread the feelings that I get when I see a pregnancy test that is negative. How many negatives will I have to take before I get a positive? I was standing in church in the other day and I looked around and there stood my best friend smiling at me, she was standing there and all I could see was her beautifully pregnant belly. I smiled at her because I love her with all my heart, then I had to turn my head and the tears begin to fall. I pray for her and her baby, I love them both, but I just sad sometimes wondering when it will be me. Will there be a day in my life when I will know the joy of holding my baby for the first time? Will I be able to see my husband hold our child for the first time and see the tears that I know will stream down his face? Lord, please help us through this trial. Give us strength if it is not your will to give us a child. Hold me during this storm Lord and don't let me go. Let me rest in your peace till this is over. Comfort me as you have many times before. Lead and guide me in you ways, let me trust in you. Having faith, walkiung by faith, not by sight. I know you have been there in the midnight hour and I know that with you help i can do all things.

Counting My Blessings

2009-01-03T21:32:00.000-08:00

Battling through this journey of faith has not been easy. At times I have felt like I could not make it another step. I have been blessed with friends that cannot be replaced and many friends in my infertility groups online that have been such a blessing to me. Thank you for sharing your struggles and heartaches with me. many of you have been such examples of faith to me in the midst of this storm. And the friends that are with me each day (one in particular) thank you for encouraging me and giving me hope and dealing with my many, many emotions. My husband has been my best friend through all of this and when I think about our wedding vows, he really meant them when he said "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health." He has stood by me through our journey to have a child and when I get upset about us not having children he always assures me that if we never have a child we will always have each other. And I know that it is not just words, that it is the truth. He has stood by me through my sickness of having Fibromyalgia. And on my bad days when I don't feel like even getting off the couch he takes care of me. I could not make it without him. I worry about him constantly, he works in the coal mines and I am always worried something will happen to him. He is all I have and I love him. I am thankful for my church, they all are my family, my sisters and brothers in the Lord. I could not make it a day without them. I am thankful for my family, for my daddy who we almost lost last year. I thank the Lord for sparing his life and I am praying the Lord will save his soul and change his life completly as I know that he can.Most of all I am thankful to have the Lord in my life and all that He does daily for me.

" I will praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands, you are who you are, no matter where I am , and every tear I cry you hold in your hand, you never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm."
Praise you in the storm by Casting Crowns (a great song)

Today

2009-01-01T20:58:00.000-08:00

I thought today about my situation. I think that I will try my best to make the best of what I am going through (with the help of the Lord). Use this to my advantage to be a help to someone. I am not happy that I am going through this but something positive can be done with it. The Lord said having food and rainment let us therewith be content. So if we are provided with food and clothing we are supposed to be happy. And for most of us we have been blessed with a lot more than that. I want to be in a place where the Lord can use me anyway He wants to at anytime. Our circumstances may not change right now but we can change our outlook on life with the help of the Lord. We can ask the Lord to change our perspective of the situation and He will. Anything is possible. Having a personal relationship with the Lord will make you stronger. Not just going to church once a week , but seeking the Lord and calling upon Him when we are by ourselves. Reading His word and knowing Him better. With all the adversity in our lives it takes the Lord to have strength to overcome it. The Lord has given us all something to do in our lives. We aren’t just sitting here waiting for a child, waiting for our lives to begin. They have begun and we need to enjoy what we have today. I know there are times when you don’t want to hear a lot of encouraging words because you are grieving as you go through this. I know to how that feels and I have to deal with it each day. But sometimes we have to give the Lord praise for who He is and what He has done in our lives. I want to have a baby more than anything and it is scary not knowing how long I will have to go through this. But while I am waiting I will trust in Him because I love the Lord.

Happy New Year 2009

2009-01-01T00:39:00.001-08:00

We had another great service at church tonight. We started church at 8:30 and it lasted till about 10:00 or so. Then we all went back to where the kitchen is and ate. And I must mention that we had some very good food and I ate to much! Anyways we came back in the church and some people sang and before a little before twelve we all found us a place and prayed to the Lord. I felt closer to the Lord than I have in a long time. I have been letting the desire for a child take over my life. I poured my heart out to the Lord tonight. I asked Him to give me a greater desire to pray and seek him. I ask him for a greater zeal to be the house of God each time we have church. I used to never miss church but lately I have been drawing back and I know that the Lord has no pleasure in those that draw back. This new year I want to grow closer, I want the Lord to give me a work to do. I know that there are many spiritual gifts (1 Corinthians ch. 12) and I desire to do more for the Lord. I wanted church to last all night. I have a friend that is longing for a child that I go to church with and if you pray to the Lord would you please pray for her. She has been suffering from infertility for two years now and right now she is having a hard time. I can see that longing and hurt in her eyes as she looks at the children at church. I want so much to take her pain away and if I could I would. But when we do become mothers this struggle will make us value the blessing that the Lord has given us even more. We will have a great appreciation for the miracles in our lives. Every struggle and every pain will be worth it. Every new year I wonder will next year at church will I have a baby with me. And every year I have wondered if I had the strength to make it another year without a child. But I have and I will because the Lord is my strength. Is anything to hard for the Lord? No, nothing is to hard for him. He is a miracle maker and the same God that shut the lions mouth when Daniel was in the lions den. The same God that brought the three Hebrew boys out of the fiery furnace. We are serving one that can part the seas and calm the storms. And in that I find my comfort. He will be closer to us than a brother. Lets not ruin today by worrying about what may happen tomorrow. Let the Lord help us live our life one day at a time, serving and loving him. Lets give Him the battle and stand still and know that he is God!

I Love Jesus

2008-12-30T22:55:00.000-08:00

We need to remember to thank God for the things that He has already given us in our lives. While we are waiting on the children that we so long for, let us have faith that He is on control. In the midst of my grief I have realized that the Lord has made my faith to grow. Leaning on Him more and more everyday. I am waiting on the Lords plan for my life. And while we are waiting we still have hope, and we can rest in the great loving arms of the Lord. If you are in a place and you feel there is no way out, the Lord promised that He would make a way of escape for us, we just have to give it all to Him. I read a quote somewhere that said “ Sometimes the Lord calms the storm, and sometimes he lets the storm rage... and calms the child.” Coping with these circumstances that we are faced with is sometimes very hard and can be very emotionally exhausting. he feelings of isolation from others can be very trying to your faith. It takes a lot of energy to go through this. You get tired of being the one who struggles all the time. I have cried for the child I may never have, because I don’t know what tomorrow brings and I wonder will my body ever carry a child? What a battle going on inside my mind. But I know that miracles can happen. So through my ups and downs, my tears and laughter, I will love the Lord and lean on Him for what I need.

Being thankful

2008-12-30T22:19:00.000-08:00

I went to church tonight and the Lord really blessed me and renewed my strength. I was thankful to have others pray for me tonight. I want to be a light to others as I walk through this valley, I want the Lord to be the most important part of my life, not my desire to have a child. I want the Lord to come first in all that I do. Because with God ALL things are possible. He did not say some things, He said ALL things. I find my help in the Word of God and from praying to my Savior. Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. The Lord has been with me through many things that I never thought that I could make it through it. He has saved family members of mine who were near death, who I thought would never make it. He has shown me his mercy and grace more times than you could ever imagine. I have failed the Lord many times and drawn away from Him but he has never left me and I thank Him for that. For being there when I call on Him. Comforting me in my darkest of times, and leading me through the valley onto the mountaintop. I know that I am still struggling with not having a child but I know that when the load gets hard to bear that the Lord will come by and give us what we need. The Lord will provide for all of the needs that we have in our lives. we may not always get what we want but he will give us what we need and I am thankful that God loved us enough to send his only begotten Son to die for us while we were yet sinners. The Lord done enough for me on that day, so if he never gives me a child I will still love the Lord and praise His name. He suffered death so that we could live and have eternal life and for that we should all be thankful.

Why

2008-12-29T23:21:00.000-08:00

I have this intense desire to be a mother that just won’t go away. Sometimes I pray that if it is not the Lords will to let me have a child, why don’t He just take this away from me. But then I am reminded that the Lord loves me and He will not pot on me anymore than I can bear. And through all of these questions that I have the Lord will comfort me. Isn’t it so hard to see a newborn infant and want so bad for it to be yours? I wonder how many years of heartache will I have t go through before I can have a child? You sometimes wonder why it is so easy for some to conceive and why does it have to be so hard on others? why has God chosen us to go down this road? What kind of a plan does He have for my life? We have to seek our answers from the Lord. We have to study the word of God and see how much the Lord has done for us already. I know that it is hard to look on the bright side of things when so much seems to be going wrong. I have lay many days crying and begging the Lord for answers to my prayer. Many times I have promised myself that I would not let my hopes get up to high agian, but then it happens. And when another month rolls around and I am not pregnant the heartache begins. I wonder will my heart be able to take another negative test? There are times when nothing seems to matter except for having a child. I mean this would be the best gift that I would receive. I think sometimes why can’t I have this one thing that I am asking for? I am not asking for riches of the world or earthly things. I just want to be a mother. This should be a natural part of life for me. I think that some people think that I am making a bog deal out of nothing with this but this means everything to me. People are having children everyday and here I am left with a longing for a child, knowing that my body feels broken, feeling overwhelmed. I feel that many of those around me dosen’t understand my pain and that breaks my heart sometimes. You want those that you love so dear to know how you are feeling. But I know that the Lord is my friend and I know that he understands the pain that I am going through.

Infertile women in the Bible

2008-12-29T05:16:00.000-08:00

I have looked and read through my Bible looking for the women that were "barren." I wanted to see how they dealt with it and what were their circumstances. I think that sometimes we blame ourselves thinking that we did something to deserve this but that is not the case. In Luke chapter one we find that Elisabeth and Zacharias were barren until late in their years. And the Bible says that they were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless. And an angel of the Lord appeared unto Zacharias and said unto him " Fear not Zacharias, for thy prayer is heard; and thy wife Elisabeth shall bear thee a son, and thou shalt call his name John." I thought about these verses and thinking how that they were both "stricken in years" and how that he still prayed for a son. But you think about the Lords timing. If their prayers had been answered early in their years then John the Baptist would have not been born at the exact time that he should have. He had to come at a certain time in order to come right before the Lord Jesus Christ. This makes me realize that the Lords timing is a lot better than our timing and the way that we would have things to go. This story is found in Luke chapter 1:5-25. Then we can go back and read about Hannah in 1 Samuel chapters 1-2. From reading the verses you can truley see how burdened she was and how she longed to bear a son. I can relate to the feelings of desperation that she seemed to have. She was married to Elkanah and he had two wives Hannah and Peninnah. It said that Peninnah had children but Hannah had none because the Lord had shut up her womb. And each year they would go unto the temple to sacrifice unto the Lord. And Hannah went into the temple and prayed unto the Lord. And it said that she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the Lord, and wept sore ( I know that we can surley relate to that.) The Lord heared her cry and gave her a son and she called him Samuel (meaning because I have ask him of the Lord.) There is a lot more to this story if you want to read it. I think that it is a good story to go back and read. You can also read that Samsons mother was barren for she gave birth to him. That story is founf in Judges chapter 13. You can read in Ruth ch 4:13 that the Lord is the giver of life. It said that the Lord gave her conception and she bare a son. So the Lord was the one that gave her that ability. One of the most popular miracles of a barren woman is the story of Abraham and Sarah. The Lord promised Abraham a son and the Lord was faithful in that that he had promised. You can read this story in Genesis, the birth of Issac is on ch 21. The story of the Shunammite woman and her son is in 2 Kings ch 4 verses 8-37, and in ch. 8 verses1-6. In the book of Hebrews chapter 11 there are many verses on the faith of people in the old testament and the promises that they recieved because they believed God. I know that when I have read this chapter that my faith is increased and I see all the things that the Lord is able to do. We are serving the same God who done all these miracles and he can do them today also. My prayers are with each of you as we go along on this journey together. Just remember the Lords timing is perfect and the Lord knows what he's doing in our lives. We just have to have faith and trsut out Savior.

For Friends

2008-12-26T23:01:00.000-08:00

I know that being a friend to someone who is suffering from infertility is hard. I have been in that place to. I am right now. But now I know how it feels to be on the other end. The one who is need of a friend to understand and to need someone to simply be there when I need them. You can’t “fix” our problem. But you can help in many ways. Your prayers can make a difference. This is hard to endure and we need a friend right now. I know you may feel like it is hard to find the right thing to say because every person is different and the way they handle their emotions. But don’t ignore us because you don’t know what to do or say. I need a friend who will go through this with me. The good times and the bad. One who will not leave me when I get down at my worst. Which may be quite often as I walk this road. If you do have children you could still understand how I feel. Just remember the way you felt during certain experiences in your life and imagine them being taken away from you. The ability to get pregnant, the joy of telling everyone that you are. Do you realize that I may never know what it is like to have my body changed by pregnancy, I may never be able to buy maternity clothes and be proud of my pregnant belly. I may never feel a baby inside of me. I may never be able to look down and look my newborn in the eyes for the first time and fall in love. Can you imagine not having your child right now with you. Thats how I feel each day of my life. Alone, wrapped in lonliness. Sometimes I feel like my heart is being ripped out. I want to feel a childs arms around my neck and hearing him/her call me mommy. Can you imagine that privilage that you have being taken away from you. I want to bath my baby I want to smell its skin so fresh and soft, holding it in my arms and singing to it. I want to kiss my child and tell it how loved and wanted it was. But instead of living with this joy I am living with an experience that feels like a death. I am living with a wound that just won’t heal and go away. It’s hard to tell others even those closest to us that we have these feelings. You will never know how many tears I have cried over hurtful things that people have said to me. We already feel like failures so we need some support. There are very few people I can talk to as a close friend and share my struggles with. There are times when I feel completly alone. I feel rejected from people alot and I know that most of the feelings are made up in my mind, but they are still there. It is hard to be in a group of women who all have children and all of them go around and talk about their birthing experiences. I have felt like bursting out in tears, but I kindly sit there dying inside and wait till I am alone and cry. I don’t expect friends to never talk about their children, it is just hard for me sometimes. It hurts me when people complain about their kids. When they say they are driving them crazy I want to scream. People have actually told me to take their children home with me for a while and then I would change my mind about having kids. That is probably one of the hurtful things people have said to me. I get mad because they don’t appreiciate their children and I feel like what I am going through dosen’t even count to them. Parenthood is a precious gift from God that should not be taken for granted. I actually feel sorry for parents who don’t know what a blessing they have in their lives, they overlook it because it came so easily to them. I wonder why can’t they be grateful. Do they know what I would give to be awaken by a crying child in the night, to know that I could be the one to comfort it. What I would give to be able to help a child with it’s homework or be able to do all the things that other parents complain about. I have been wounded and scared from this battle and I am a different person for it. I would not change what I have went through but I still long for a child. As the years go by this does not fade away or become forgotten by me. This is a part of my life everyday.

Just My Feelings

2008-12-26T22:36:00.000-08:00

My mind runs sometimes a million miles a minute. Wondering, questioning, begging, praying. I know that it seems like I question a lot but I have to get these things off my mind. And in all honesty I don't want to tell anyone I have all these feeling. I wonder sometimes why the Lord is not answering my prayers at this time. I know there is a reason but I just wonder what it is. Why am I having to experience this? These unanswered questions seem to grip at my heart. We cannot understand why God allows certain things to happen in our lives. Maybe someone will be helped or led to Christ on our journey through Infertility. Maybe one day we will look back and see the reason but maybe we will never see. Will I be one of the women whose wombs are never opened by the Lord. Will the word "barren" always be lurking over my shoulder? How many shattered dreams will I have to endure before I can become a mother? I know that the Lord is my help and I feel bad for even having the feelings that I do. I am trying to be content and find the other blessings the Lord has given to me in my life (because they are many.) I have been feeling so abandoned by many people right now. Friends that don't seem to listen to what I am really saying. People in my family that don't seem to "get it" that my heart is breaking over a child right now and I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I am simply frustrated. And the only peaceful times I have right now is when I am at church or with my husband. Both placing in which I can pour out my heart. There is hurt that runs deep with this, there are dissapointments many days. I feel like the word "Infertility" is defining me. I don't want people feeling sorry for me. But I think when they look at me they see a "infertile, barren woman, who can't concieve a child." My mind keeps racing to try to find solutions to my problems. But in the end I just have to give them to the Lord and let Him be in control. I have to let go. I have to trust Him with my life.

Finding Peace

2008-12-22T22:33:00.000-08:00

I went Christmas shopping today (finally!) I came home and I sat in the floor. As I began to wrap presents I felt the peace of the Lord come over me. The thought of children didn't break my heart tonight, the Lord gave me peace tonight. I thought about the future though and the memories that I would make with my children. Listening to Christmas music, making candy, telling stories, and being with family. I can't wait until my children are in the bed on Christmas Eve and i can just imagine wrapping all of their gifts and seeing the excitment on their faces on Christmas morning. Although the days to come will probably be hard for me. The Lord touched me tonight and gave me some peace and I thank Him for that. In church Sunday the pastor preached from the book of Job and all the trials that Job had to endure. I think that it is good to read that book and to see all that he went through. The Word that was preached Sunday really helped me. The Lord is the one who puts families together. He is the Almighty, the Great Physician! The Lord has a perfect timing for everything. Even through the sorrows and the tears in my heart I know that the Lord is in control. The Lord has used this infertility to cause to me to lean upon Him, to be patient at times when it is almost impossible, and to love Him weather I become a mother or not. Laying our burdens at the throne of God is the best thing that we can do. Our lives are woven by the hands of God. We are part of something that is a lot bigger and greater than we are. Your life is a gift that the Lord has given you. I am longing so much for a child but my husband and I are enjoying the time that we have together right now. Loving one anothers company. My dream and prayer is to be with him until the day that I die and I thank God for having him in my life. I just pray that the Lord gives me something to do while I am waiting to be a mother. I feel like there is something that I need to be doing right now. A work that the Lord may want me to do.

Childless at Christmas

2008-12-21T21:49:00.001-08:00

graphics for moms

Some of the toughest times for me being childless is during the holidays. Each year you think "Maybe next year we will have a child." Then the next year rolls around and here we are. The same thoughts and sorrows are still here. I can't have christmas cards made with my childrens picture on them. I can't take them to sit on Santas lap. Can't hang that extra stocking this year (maybe next year I think) , we can't but that ornament for the tree that says Babys first christmas. My friends and family are all buying gifts for their children. On Christmas morning they will awake with great excitment as they watch their little miracles open their gifts. As I will awake, only to walk into the living room alone. Not to hear the sound of giggling and laughter, I won't be able to hear excitment as they tear into their gifts one by one. They can go out and bulid snowmans together and I will sit and look out the window into the yard where there are no little footprints in the snow. No one making snowangels and wanting mommy to play with them as they discover all the new toys they have gotten. I dream of snow covering the outside like a blanket, while the cold winds blow, looking out the window as I hold my child warm and safe in my arms. But I am awaken from dreaming and I realize I am simply standing in the cold. Begging for the chance to be a mother. My heart feels drained. If I can make it through Christmas there are more holidays and events that always seem to throw me off track. I become envious when my friends are all planning their babies birthday parties. They buy thr decorations, the gifts, and send out the invitations. Each year they have a new theme for the party. I want to plan my child a birthday party. It is not fair that I can't do these things. Even halloween breaks my heart. How I long to take my children trick-or-treating, to pick them out a costume. To make meemories with them. For my husband and I to carve pumpkins with them. No one knows how these events make me feel. I won't tell anyone. I am afraid of looking weak. I feel like my husband is the only one who knows how I feel and the only one who truley cares. My friends would care if I would only let them in, but I can't. If I told them I am afraid they would act different with me. Will I always be childless at Christmas?

Trusting the Lord

2008-12-21T21:19:00.000-08:00

There is so much grieve associated with infertility. So many emotions on so many different levels. I think that I have went through phases of shock, anger, denial, jelousy, and still am going through many emotions. Right now I am trying to work through on my emotions, relying on God to help me through them. There are days when I may need to be alone and talk to no one, just cry and feel sorry for myself. There are days when I want to be alone and read the Word of God to find comfort and peace. There are days when I need a friend to listen and days when I need advise. I have went through periods when I just felt numb to everything that was around me and all that was going on. I just felt cold. I think that sometimes we have to allow ourselves time to grieve but not letting it take over our lives. I know that this has changed me and the way that I look at the world. I feel like I am missing out on so much. I have been totally convinced by the devil at times that no one cared about me and what I was going through.People keep asking me am I pregnant yet. Don't they think that I will let them know when I am. Don't they know what excitement would be in me. It is hard not knowing when I will finally be a parent. Month after month I have to deal with this dissapointment, this heartache. I have struggling trying to get the victory over this. I have no control of this and thats whats scary. I have to trust the Lord in that that I cannot see. We walk by faith not by sight. I know sometimes it is very hard when the doubt comes into your mind. Knowing that there is a purpose for this happening is somewhat of a comfort for me. Even though I don't know what it is or understand why this is happening I know that I am serving one that does know all things. God has a plan and He is going to answer our prayers in His time and in the way that is Best for us. The Lord dosen't always give us what we want but he will always give us what we need.I have walked along this path and I have fallen along the way but the Lord picks me back up and sets me on the right path and leads me in the way that I need to go. We have to keep trusting the Lord.

We are Never Alone

2008-12-20T18:37:00.000-08:00

I think that marriage is really important when dealing with infertility. I know that I have said it before but my husband has been my strength through all of this. I thank the Lord for placing him in my life. I just could not make it without him. We have shared burdens and heartache. We have been strong for each other when the other was down. But we have shared some very good times to. Wonderful times of laughter and plenty of smiles. I think that your marriage needs to be strong in order to survive the struggle of infertility. Because it will definatley bring pain into your home. He knows what you are going through when others don't. It is hard not to let the battle consume you and all of your thoughts. But put the Lord first in your life, and let your marriage be a top priority because you are in this together. Our marriages should be stronger because of the storms that we have had to walk through. Build strong ties with each other that cannot be broken by the wind and the storm.

For me there are things that I long to experience. I long to hear the words "Your Pregnant." I long to awakened by the cry of my child, to be abvle to tell others that I do have children. I want to know what it is like to carry a child. To feel that life inside of me. I have even grieved over not being able to experience them. Yes I hurt when I hear that my friends are pregnant, and the question that always comes to my mind with it " Why can she get pregnant and I can't?" Many quesions come to my mind for the Lord. I don't understand Lord why this is happening to me. These pregnant women seem to surround me everywhere. It is to painful for me.It is hard even going to my doctors appointments because of coarse all the prenant women are there. EXCEPT FOR ME!! I AM NOT PREGNANT!! I am someone just going through the motions of life. Anger and jelousy fill my mind sometimes. People are murdering children Lord and I would cherish one with everything that I have in me. It's hard to talk to friends because they are busy with their own lives. There lives are filled with children. My is filled with none. They are planning their nurserys. I am praying for the sanity to make it through one more day. I want a friend who knows exactley how I feel. Not someone that just feels sorry for me but one that understands. People pretend to understand but they have no clue. I am grateful for the friends that I do have. Sometimes I just need that outlet someone to talk to. When my friends have announced their pregnancys most of the time I have been speechless and the tears fill my eyes. I have no child in sight, no end to this rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes their announcements are just to much to handle. I am not sad because they are pregnant, I am grieving because I am not. Even though it is not fair, with those we love we must rejoice when they rejoice. Be happy for them for this is their time. Even though when I get by myself I usually cry myself to sleep. There are times when I am full of faith and on the mountain but now I am walking through a valley and it hurts. I have buried myself under a mountain of pillows and covers hoping not to see the light of day for a very long time. But the Lord will not leave us. He never has and He will bring me out of this. Who are we to know the mind of the Lord, who are we to try to intrerpret His plans. Who are we to say He won't move for us. He is the Almighty who holds it all in His hands. He may be working a miracle for one of us right now as we speak. In the midst of the storm we are never alone.

A Broken Heart

2008-12-16T20:30:00.000-08:00

Today has been a very bad day for me. So much heartache, I learned today that my Clomid this month did not make me ovulate so I will have to have my dosage increased. My hopes were up so high that it would work this month I just feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride going up and down with my emotions. I wanted it to happen so bad this month and I actually believed that it would. Sometimes I think it may be to hard to bear. This has been a very dark and confusing day. I feel like my dreams of becoming a mother have been killed yet another month. I don't know why I let my hopes soar so high this month, only to fall back to the ground. I feel an overwhelming sense of helplessness, guilt, and despair. It feels like that my husband and I are in a raging storm and we can't see in front of us but all we can do is hold on to each other and cry out to the Lord. We are blessed to have one another to lean on during these times. This battle is hard, there are so many quesions that go unanswered for us. Questions that may never be answered. My greatest fear is staring me in the face, the fear we may never be parents. I don't know if I can face this. I know that the Lord will come by and renew my strength, I know that He holds our hands in the midst of all of this but tonight my heart is broken and the tears fill my eyes.

Our husbands and their pain

2008-12-16T00:10:00.000-08:00

I think that our husbands are often overlooked when going through infertility. Everyone seems to look at it as the womans problem. But what about the feelings of the man? Do they not hurt as we hurt? Do they not feel the same frustrations. My husband opened up to me ablout the way that he felt while we were going through this and it really made me realize that husbands suffer just as much we do. Talking to your husband about this can really be more refreshing and helpful more than talking to your best friend. I think that we need to show them that we love them and that we will love them no matter what happens. You never know when they may be having feelings of guilt because you have not concieved. I know that having a child is an important part of our lives but I don't think we should let it ruin our marriages. We need to depend on one another and have each other when we have no one eles to turn to. These men have battles of their own. Battles from their friends and co-workers when they talk about their children., a battle when they think they may never be a father. They are always expected to be strong and in control, showing no emotion but being supportive to us as we go through this. They may hide their emotions you may never know how they feel. But at leats let them know how you feel and that you will be there if they ever need to talk. Men don't turn each other like we women do, they really don't join online Infertility groups and email each other about how the month is going. We have that release that place where we can vent and tell all our feelings. I just think that their pain should be acknowledged to.

Our Pain

2008-12-15T23:39:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder about other people, how their story seems to be so different than ours. Why the Lord wrote their story one way and wrote ours this way? I began to think about this and I truley believe that the Lord has wrote our story the way that it should go. The way that is best for us. My story has heartache, suffering, joy, patience, love, and forgiveness. Through this journey I have been taught many lessons. Lessons that could not have been learned if I had not walked doen this path. And looking back I can see that the Lord was with me and is with me every step of the way. I have been blessed with true friends. Friends that I can call on anytime and they will be there for me. One special friend that encourages me to go on, promises me that everything will be ok. She has prayed for me and has blessed me more than she will ever know. She is important to me, and I love her with all of my heart. She has shared in my grief, she has listened to me cry and complain and always had just the right comforting words to say. I have heard pain in her voice as I told her how I longed for a child. How I know that she would give anything that she possessed for me to be a mother. She has made my feelings of lonliness go away at times. I am blessed to have her for a friend. My husband has been a great friend to through all of this he has held me cried, put a smile on my face when I though I could smile no more. We have had a good life together, he has filled my heart with love that I cannot explain. I will always be happy with him even if we never have a child together. I want to grow old with him by my side. We have went through every emotion possible together and it has only brought is closer. When talking to people I can't alway put into words the way that I feel. I tell my husband and my best friend. Other people don't know how I feel. I still have a great desire to be a mother, to put my babies to bed, to sing to them, to pray for them. No one can imagine what emotions that you feel when you realize that you may never be able to have a child of your own. I felt like withdrawing from everyone that I love. We were both scared thinking we may never be parents. I see people out that are frustrated with their children and I think that if that were me right now I would love to be smiling at that child and telling it how much I love it. Its hard when you see someone pushing a stroller and you feel envious. I want to be able to go to the baby section at walmart without feeling like my heart is being ripped out. But each month the heartbreak comes back. Each month is a new opportunity to be mother and when it comes and goes it is hard. I feel like less of a woman, I feel like my friends have joined the "baby club" and I have been left behind. I think that the hardest thing is to realize that we can't fix this problem on our own. We have no control over it.We have to trust the Lord and know that he is in control. But it is hard not to question and say "Why Me?" We wonder why are we being denied this one thing that we want more than anything in the world. I mean you think women are supposed to get married and have children so why can't we? Did we do something to deserve this? Are we failures in the sight of everyone because we are unable to concieve?

Put your Hope in the Lord!!!!!

2008-12-07T08:56:00.000-08:00

When things seem like they will never happen, when dissapointments come, there is hope. There is always hope when the Lord is on your side. The Lord knows all things. We have to put our trust in Him, no matter what happens and know that He knows whats best for us. He see's the forest and we only see the trees that stand tall before our eyes. We only see the problem we can't see ahead to what the Lord has in store for us. It is a comfort to know he hold all things in his hands. I love the Lord and I want Him to always lead and guide my life and no matter what happens in my life I want to always serve him.

I just finished my Clomid for this month, I just pray that it works this month. I would be so overjoyed, I can't even imagine how I would feel. Sometimes I think how I would tell my husband if I was pregnant. I would love to see the look on his face. I can't wait till that day finally comes. It snowed a lot this morning so I didn' t get to go to church because the roads were so bad so that was a big dissapointment!!! I love going to church, it gives me so much strength to go on. I LOVE THE LORD!!!!

A Common Bond

2008-12-01T19:50:00.000-08:00

When I started this journey I felt as if I was alone, as many people do. But as I got online and searched for help I found it. I have found people going through the same things that I am. Experiencing the same emotions. We are all connected, we all share this common bond of "Infertility." It is good to know that someone out there knows how you feel. I have found some very good support groups that some of you may find helpful. They have sure been a blessing to me.
www.childlessnotbychoice.com (myfavorite, I have found so much help there)

www.fertilityneighborhood.com

www.hannah.org (this woman has also wrote a book called Hannahs hope,and it is a great book to read. Her website is www.jennifer.saake.biz)

www.fertilityfriend.com

And also you can go to www.experienceproject.com and join their groups they have all sorts of different groups, you can read the stories of those going through the same thing and share your own story.

Just Waiting

2008-11-23T19:29:00.000-08:00

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We wonder why we have yet to conceive the little miracle that we so long to hold in our arms. But sometimes the Lord has other plans. Plans that we may not be aware of. Maybe our child has to be born at a certain time for his or her life to be what the Lord wants it to be. The Lord does not make mistakes. I know that it is hard to endure this “Painful Journey” but no matter what there is a great comfort in knowing that the Lord is in control. God knows the grief that we are going through and he will comfort us. My favorite Bible verse is in Psalm 37:4-5 Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. (KJV) Also if anyone of you has not seen the blog at babystruggles.com you should check it out. I think that the women writing it is very good. She has been through a lot and it may be a help to many of you because she has been through things that I have not been through. During the times I have struggles with this journey I have learned to trust in the Lord I have learned of his mercy and grace that is unfailing. It learns you to seek the Lord and rely on him like you have never done before. The Lord has been patient with me through all my short comings and he loves me still. I know it is hard when everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant. When all the young women at the church seems to be having babies at the same time. Although you are happy for them you desperatly wish that it was you. Sometimes I think that if I have to attend another baby shower I just might actually break down in front of everyone. Everone in the family is having babies and here I am feeling invisible and feeling that I am being judged because I have no children. All these people seem to get pregnant so easily and here I am with my Clomid “my mood swinging, hot flashing med” desperate for a child of my own. And I would adopt in a second and love the child like my own however I have not felt led by the Lord to go down that road yet but that is something that I continue to pray about. Through this journey I have not always been a great wife. I am emotional, I break down and cry very easily. I know I have been very hard to live with at times. My husband not understanding why I am crying at times and me unable to explain the way that I feel. I wonder is it because I don’t have “enough faith”. I sometimes feel useless and helpless. But I don’t want infertility to define who I am. I used to be an outgoing carefree person who loved life. Now I seem to be burdened all the time. I have many times wondered “why me?” The Lords plans are bigger for us than we ever imagined.But God chose us women us thats TTC to go through this for a reason and I don’t want to forget that. He knew that we would be strong enough to bear this and learn from it. The Lord saw you before the foundations of the world and he knew where you would be right now. He knows that day when you will look into your childs eyes, weather you give birth or adopt. And all those babies that have been misscarried they are in the presence of the Lord. They had a purpose, they had a life and although it was short the Lord had a work for them to do. And they make up that number in heaven that no man can number. And if you have a child in heaven I know you will be reunited agian on that blessed day. The Lords will has to be done above our own.

Needing to be heard but talking to no one

2008-11-22T21:58:00.000-08:00

April 13th 2002, thats when this journey began. It is the day that my husband and I were married.And what a wonderful day it was! I was looking forward to a happy future. Shortley after we began to “try” to start a family of our own. I just knew that it would happen so quickly. I mean how hard could it be? I thought wrong! Months went by, then a year passed. I told no one of our plans. I felt if I told anyone that it would then seem real. That that word Infertility that kept coming to my mind would then be a reality. I soon told our family and a few friends. I guess I was tired of the questions like “ Are you ever going to have a baby?” I thought that telling people would soon stop these inconsiderate questions. But sadly to say I was wrong. The questions still came and soon I came to a place where I would have to fight depression and I am still fighting that battle today. I am grieving for a child I have never met, I feel like I am grieving for a lost family member. The years go by and still I grieve. Infertility is a hard, painful, and sometimes long journey to travel. Empty arms with no child to hold is painful. Sometimes I don’t know how to deal with it. doubts and sadness continually fill my mind. This lonliness in me can’t be comforted. Why is this happening to me I ask? How long will I have to go through this pain? I see people who have children and I am bitter thinking that they don’t know just how lucky they are. I get jealous thinking that my husband and I would cherish a child and know just what a miracle it is. Everytime I see a newborn or hear someone close to me is pregnant, that feeling comes over me. A feeling that I cannot explain. Being by my friends side as they go through pregnancy is agonizing. smiling on the outside but screaming for help and recognition on the inside. Does my best friend not understand what I am going through? Does she not care? She dosen’t know what I am going through even though I talk to her about it.Having more than one child, with no trouble concieving, she has no clue. I hate the baby showers that I have to attend. The kids birthday parties. How all the mommies will sit and talk about their experiences and what each of their labors were like. Their words cut through my heart like a knife.I have had to fight back tears many many times, praying that no one would notice that I was dying inside. I feel as if I don’t belong. But the truth is it hurts. It hurts to hear these mommies all talking of their joys of motherhood. It feels like they are screaming at me “ I can get pregnant but you can’t” I feel like no one understands how I feel. Every month a new heartbreak comes, but it is the same month after month.Year after year. And I think “I don’t know if I can go through this anymore” I am not the same as I used to be. I think that this pain has changed me. This longing this desperation has consumed me, my thoughts, and my life. Somedays I want to hide from the world. I want to pretend that this isn’t happening to me. I want to be called “mommy”. There is an emptiness that controls my life.Mothers Day comes and goes each year and you wouldn’t think that would bother me but it does. Each year I think that maybe next year I will be a mother.I don’t get to celebrate this day because I am childless. I DON’T HAVE A CHILD!!!! No child would look at me knowing I was their mother and call me Mommy today.I see all these men around me being fathers and I die inside knowing that this is one thing that I can’t give to my husband.He would make a great father if given the chance. I feel insufficent. I can’t give my parents a grandchild that I know that they would love to have. People have ask me “ How many children do you have?” and it breaks my heart to say “ I don’t have any children” It seems so unfair to me.Although I have found comfort in the joining of online infertility groups and have comfort in reading what people struggling with infertility have to say.

Have Faith!!!!!

2008-09-08T23:07:00.000-07:00

Well today I am very hopeful. Seems like I have been in the valley and fighting. But Sunday at church the Lord just lifted me up so much. That good Holy Ghost just gave me that comfort and strength that I needed. The Spirit of the Lord just filled the church and everyone was filled up the Holy Ghost. I am just so thankful that the Lord helped me and gave me strength right when it was needed. Right at a time when I felt like I had gone as far as I could go he moved for me!!!! I know that there is so much hope and that all things are possible!! I know that the day will come when I WILL BE A MOTHER!!!! and to all of you out there praying just keep the faith and know that the Lord can and WILL move!!! I know that the Lord wll send our babies from above when it is our time!

How I can make it through

2008-09-05T04:03:00.001-07:00

There are times, (like this past week), that it is so hard to face not being able to have a child right now. Some of my friends are pregnant and I feel so alone. When will my time come I ask? Why am I have to go through all of this? So many problems are in my life right now. Besides not being able to concieve a child I have been in constant pain, with a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. Which is not a very fun thing. I guess I am just venting on here all of the things that I don't want to say to the people I know. I am the strong one in my family. I have to pretend like I am happy all the time because I hate the thought of me causing anyone to worry. Yesterday I kept wondering why? Why do I have to be in pain, why can't I be a mother, I am not after material things I just want this. But my answer came last night when I went to church, through the Word of God. We are not promised that the way was going to be easy, in Revelations John saw those that were robed in white that had came out of great tribulation. We have to serve the Lord and trust in Him in the good times and in the bad. If we suffer with him we will reign with him. No matter what is going on in my life, I know the Lord is right there by my side, he is our refuge, he is a very present help in the time of trouble. Sometimes we have to endure some things but through every valley that we go through there will be a mountaintop and we will be rejoicing with the Lord. I know there will be a time when the Lord will heal my body from this pain, I know that there will be a time when I will look into my childs eyes and get to know that feeling. And if you are out there going through this and you are lost living without the Lord in your life now is the time to call on Him. Ask him, with your whole heart to save your soul and He will lead and guide you and you willbe able to make it through anything. And if you are out there and you are saved and you know what peace that the Lord can send in a time of need then you are truley blessed! My friends I know that it is hard and sometimes it seems you can't go on. But look up to Jesus the author and the finisher of our Faith!

POEMS OF INFERTILITY

2008-08-07T19:29:00.000-07:00

I FOUND THESE VARIOUS POEMS ON THE INTERNET POSTED BY WOMEN WHO WERE FACING THIS BATTLE. THESE POEMS TOUCHED MY HEART, I LOVE TO READ POETRY WRITTEN BY PEOPLE THAT SEEM TO FEEL THE SAME WAY THAT I DO. IF YOU HAVE ANY POETRY PLEASE POST IT ON HERE, YOU NEVER KNOW JUST WHO YOU COULD REACH OUT AND HELP.

When do I stop? When do I realize it's enough? Why does it have to be me who has it so tough? There are many out there who feel as I do. Yet I feel alone.................................................................

I sit here and wonderIs it ever to be? Will I get to display "The Mother" in me? Wonder in time How the story will end, Will they just be for others-The showers I attend. When’s it my turn I ask God each day, The only answer I get is, “Not today”. I ask only to know what my future might be, to plan and prepare God, please tell me. I just need to know how long to be strong, for sometimes I question my strength to go on. I sit here and wonder is it ever to be? Will I get to display "The Mother" in me?...................................................................

Life’s Greatest Lesson
I would gladly trade places with the women I see. The joy on their faces, why can’t that be me?
They complain of stretch marks,And sometimes of heartburn, their feet may get swollen. Then stomachs in turn. I would gladly trade places with the women I see, but instead battle daily with Infertiltiy.My months filled with charting and days filled with meds, I lie on white sheets of hospital beds. But if I traded places with the women I saw, I’d miss life’s greatest lesson Trusting God with my all.
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Don't let them get too close - Too close to see my pain. Because if they look real close, they will see the tears that fall like rain. The room is picked, and baby's things collected. But, inside that empty room, something needs corrected. Because there's a crib and a cradle -There are baby toys and clothes too. But, there is not a baby -No baby to fill this womb. I cannot stop the crying, and my pain won't subside. I'm lost for ways of trying; I've run out of places to hide. The holidays they come and go -All the years that I look back. And now I find the future's grim when I look at what I lack. I try to hang onto hope - I try to wait and see. But sometimes it's hard to cope when I think it may never be. I'm not the only one that finds it hard - Sometimes I wish I were. But, it's the hurt I see in his eyes that digs in like a spur. So tell me where to go from here -Please tell me where to go. Things just seem so unclear, and it has challenged all I know. It has tested and confused me. It has brought me to my knees. And now it's too hard to see, just what you need from me. Is it something I am doing wrong?Is there something I can do? You see, I've been waiting for so long,And I've been crying out to you. Please don't let this be a barren place- In this place where my child should be. Let me see your loving grace. Please bring my child to me. Rock-a-bye baby... I hold you so dear. Even if it's only in my heart that I'm holding you near.

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Oh God, you heard the cry of Hannah -Please hear my cry tonight.You made the skies drop manna, and help Israel through their plight.You are able to part the seas, You are the one who is able to heal, you answered the saints on bended knees, and now before you I kneel.I’m not a saint by any measure, but I come to you just the same. I hope that you find pleasure in my humble worship of your name. And please won’t you grant to me this longing of my heart? Won’t you set me free and make this pain depart? I’m not asking the impossible, just a child to call my own. Only you can make it possible -To bring a child into our home. So I bring my broken heart, and I cry a pool of tears. Please Lord give me the part that has been missing all these years.

My dreams of becoming a mother

2008-08-03T23:43:00.000-07:00

I am twenty five years old. I am suffering from infertility, I have been unable to see a specialist due to my insurance not covering. My husband and I were married April 2002 and have been trying to concieve ever since. I wanted to have children right away when we got married. I had always dreamed of becoming a mother and now my chance had come. I married my high school sweetheart whom I had went to school with and been friends with since the third grade. We began trying. As the months went by I drew discouraged, but I had no idea what a long road I was about to face. the months turned into years and now here I am six years later still waiting. As these years have past I have watched those around me have children and it seems as if they could get pregnant so easily. I have planned baby showers for my best friends. I even went in with one of my best friends and watched her daughter being born. It was exciting, moving, and heartbreaking all at the same time. I hold babies and it seems so right, like that is what I was meant to be. I didn't pursue going to college trying to make something of myself, I wanted to be a mother. My husband works and I had plans of becoming a stay at home mother. I wanted to be a nurse, part of me still does. My marriage has not been hurt by this we have grown stronger and closer. However there are times when I go through depression and feel like I am such a dissapointment to him. I want so bad for him to get to be father, he will make a great one and he deserves to so much. I want us to know the feeling you get when you look at your child for the first time, or to be called mommy and daddy, to tuck my child into bed, to learn my child about the Lord. There are so many things that I want to do, but I have to be patient. The Lord saved me Feb. 2004 and has done so much in my life. I know that I could have never went through this without the Lord in my life. he has given me hope, faith, and comfort. He gives me strength when I feel like I cannot go on any further. The Bible has been my roadmap. There are verses that have gotten me through the hardest times in my life. And I will post them for you to read. I wanted to write this because I know there are women out there just like me who needs someone to talk to, who feels like there is no one out there who knows how they feel. I just want to be a help to someone who is going through infertility. Feel free tp post your stories, and tell me what you are going through because I need someone to talk to also. Thanks and God Bless each one of you.