I wrote this yesterday:
The days are getting harder. There is a great sense of guilt for the way I feel. I am excited about going to be an aunt again but I am so envious at the same time. I want to be the one holding the newborn in my arms and know that it is mine. I don’t want to be the couple who dosen’t have any kids and everyone feels sorry for when they come to see the newborn for the first time. Today Anthony and I were eating out and I saw this couple with a little beautiful girl and a little baby boy in a highchair. They were laughing and talking pictures and I could not take my eyes off of them..I just wanted their life what they had. Ok, maybe I am having a bit of an insane moment but I am flatout jealous and a little angry. I then looked over and saw this couple with this small girl probably about the age of two and they were feeding her and looked like they were so mesmorized with her. I kept watching them to, and Anthony finally got my attention and told me to quit staring. I immediately said in a mean voice that I was not staring! But after I said that I felt ashamed at who I feel I am becoming. Am I becoming this person who is sitting and watching others lives play out and not living my own? And how can I let this bitterness and anger take over my heart. Right now I do not want to hear that another person is pregnant, unless it is me or one of my infertility sisters, especially Brittani. I feel like I will explode or breakdown if I hear one more person is and I feel like I am just holding my breathe waithing on the next one to just break the news that they are expecting. It is wrong of me to feel this way? So many people around me are pregnant, have newborns, or toddlers. Why me, why was this path chosen for me, I do not understand.!! My close friends tell me I am strong enough to go through this and that there is a reason for this but I am to the point right now where I do not want to hear it and have no desire to get a pep talk from anyone. Leave me alone!! I want to scream to these people around me! Let me hide in peace until the storm I am facing in my heart calms. My family has their well meaning tips, and ideas to why I have not conceived, let me just say that one more tip might not be received with such grace the next time. Ok I know I am on a rant and rave right now but I am going to because I can. And I know I will someday read back on this and be ashamed of this but right now I feel I am justified to wallow in my own self-pity and feel sorry for myself for as long as it takes. I am going to cry I am going to scream and I absolutely want someone to know how I feel while at the same time I fear for anyone to know. My life is beginning to get to be to much for me, the health problems coupled with this is not making me all to happy. I am in fear once more that the depression will take over and that I will fall into some extreme of sadness and not to be able to get out of it. But I feel guilty for feeling this way because I am married to an incrediable man and I am a child of the living God. Lord please hear my cry tonight and come by and lift this tremendous burden from my heart.
After this I had a wonderful moment with anthony and so I wanted to share it:
Last night after writing the above post I went riding around with Anthony in his jeep in the snow. We were coming down the road and we heard the song from Facing the Giants called “The Voice of Truth” and he stopped the jeep and looked at me and took my hand and said lets just stop for a minute and listen. So we just sat there and held hands. The Lord knew what I needed from Anthony and I got it without him even speaking a word. Our heart was one once again. So last night when we were lying in the bed I thanked him for what he had done. And I told him I knew that he hurt to and went through it just like I did and that his hurt meant just as much as mine and I felt as if I had drew strength from him and the Lord to make it through another day.