Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Trying to Deal

I recieved news that my SIL is pregnant again. I am excited for her but my heart ached. In my mind I thought I may be the next one in our family to have to have a child. She is a wonderful mother and deserves all the children she wants. And I am glad that she dosen't have to struggle with infertility. But you all know how the emotions are with this. On one hand I am overjoyed with knowing that I will have another neice or nephew but I am jealous right now and wishing it was me. I need strength to get through this. Below is a picture of my beautiful niece.


Monday, April 12, 2010

My day dreaming

I have been day dreaming in my head what it would be like to be parents. What it would be like to look down at a test that was positive. I can just imagine me telling Anthony we are having a baby. I know I would be over filled with emotion. I want to be able to buy maternity clothes and be thrown a baby shower. I want to be able to share with our families the news that our miracle is on its way. I can imagine decorating the room in pink or blue. I am dying to hold my child in my arms for the first time and look into its eyes. I long to see Anthony hold our baby in his arms and see him filled with so much love for our child. I want my grandparents to have time to spend with my child, I want to spend time with my children playing with Nova and let Tab have the opportunity to be an aunt. Nova has brought us such joy and I want Tab to know what that is like. I want to hold my baby and comfort it in the night. I want to spend my days playing with it and learning it about the Lord. I want to be excited when Anthony comes home from work telling him the things we did each day. I want to share that bond with him of our love creating a child that is a part of him and a part of me. I love him so much and I feel such a close bond with him because of all we have went through and I know that having a child would only make it stronger. I want us to spend weekends having picnics, playing, and going to the toys in walmart. I want my child to spend time with its grandparents and enjoy them. I want to watch it grow. I want to see these dreams of mine become a reality. I know the Lord is able to perform and I am not giving up. The devil tries to make me doubt but I know it will happen. The Lord has not forsaken me and He will never. This is a huge miracle for me but it is a small and easy thing for the Lord to perform. I am like a child asking again and again for something. But He is telling me Child it is not time. Just wait a little while longer. He is going to do this for us….

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I have calmed down LOL

Since my last post I have calmed down lol! I was upset when I wrote the last one but now I am ok. Things are going good right now. I am getting ready to move in the next few weeks so I am excited and putting all my energy into that. I am buying a house that is next to my grandmothers house. I am still praying about the adoption and I have delayed going to the fertility clinic for a few more months. Sometimes I think our minds and our marriages need a break from all the stress and just have some fun. Yes, I want a baby more than ever. But I also want my marriage to be strong when a child comes. So I plan on having lots of fun this summer. Spending time with my family and my church family, going to the lake (i can't wait for that), going to Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg TN a few times, going fourwheeler riding, growing a garden and canning some food! For those of you who grow your own garden you know that there is nothing better than picking beans and breaking them up, cooking them and eating them with slaw and a big juicy tomatoe "maters" (is what I call them lol, I know I am a redneck hillbilly!) I think this is the happiest I have been in a long time. The Lord has sure blessed me. One of my friends that has been praying for a baby for four years is pregnant!!!! I am so excited for her.Below is a pic of one of my best friends babies. She was the one I talked about having a baby after ttc for five years. Just thought I would let you see her and it is a reminder that Miracles do happen and the Lord is in Control!!