Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Christmas Eve Blessing

We went to Maryland to my sister in laws and her family for Christmas during Anthonys Christmas vacation. So on Christmas Eve my sister in law said she thought she was having contractions so she went to the Dr. Well in a few hours my mew nephew was born!!! What a Christmas time to remember. He is adorable! And he has totally stole my heart!!! It worked our perfect that we could be there and I got to spend almost the first four days of his life with him! I get to see him again in a couple weeks ans I cant wait. He is so cute and he is my very first nephew, I have a niece which is his big sister. This was such an amazing experince. I am so blessed!!

THIS IS BRAYDEN
HE WEIGHED 9 lbs. 6oz.
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THIS SONG IS DEDICATED TO BRAYDEN


Monday, December 6, 2010

mental breakdown and then happiness

I wrote this yesterday:
The days are getting harder. There is a great sense of guilt for the way I feel. I am excited about going to be an aunt again but I am so envious at the same time. I want to be the one holding the newborn in my arms and know that it is mine. I don’t want to be the couple who dosen’t have any kids and everyone feels sorry for when they come to see the newborn for the first time. Today Anthony and I were eating out and I saw this couple with a little beautiful girl and a little baby boy in a highchair. They were laughing and talking pictures and I could not take my eyes off of them..I just wanted their life what they had. Ok, maybe I am having a bit of an insane moment but I am flatout jealous and a little angry. I then looked over and saw this couple with this small girl probably about the age of two and they were feeding her and looked like they were so mesmorized with her. I kept watching them to, and Anthony finally got my attention and told me to quit staring. I immediately said in a mean voice that I was not staring! But after I said that I felt ashamed at who I feel I am becoming. Am I becoming this person who is sitting and watching others lives play out and not living my own? And how can I let this bitterness and anger take over my heart. Right now I do not want to hear that another person is pregnant, unless it is me or one of my infertility sisters, especially Brittani. I feel like I will explode or breakdown if I hear one more person is and I feel like I am just holding my breathe waithing on the next one to just break the news that they are expecting. It is wrong of me to feel this way? So many people around me are pregnant, have newborns, or toddlers. Why me, why was this path chosen for me, I do not understand.!! My close friends tell me I am strong enough to go through this and that there is a reason for this but I am to the point right now where I do not want to hear it and have no desire to get a pep talk from anyone. Leave me alone!! I want to scream to these people around me! Let me hide in peace until the storm I am facing in my heart calms. My family has their well meaning tips, and ideas to why I have not conceived, let me just say that one more tip might not be received with such grace the next time. Ok I know I am on a rant and rave right now but I am going to because I can. And I know I will someday read back on this and be ashamed of this but right now I feel I am justified to wallow in my own self-pity and feel sorry for myself for as long as it takes. I am going to cry I am going to scream and I absolutely want someone to know how I feel while at the same time I fear for anyone to know. My life is beginning to get to be to much for me, the health problems coupled with this is not making me all to happy. I am in fear once more that the depression will take over and that I will fall into some extreme of sadness and not to be able to get out of it. But I feel guilty for feeling this way because I am married to an incrediable man and I am a child of the living God. Lord please hear my cry tonight and come by and lift this tremendous burden from my heart.

After this I had a wonderful moment with anthony and so I wanted to share it:
Last night after writing the above post I went riding around with Anthony in his jeep in the snow. We were coming down the road and we heard the song from Facing the Giants called “The Voice of Truth” and he stopped the jeep and looked at me and took my hand and said lets just stop for a minute and listen. So we just sat there and held hands. The Lord knew what I needed from Anthony and I got it without him even speaking a word. Our heart was one once again. So last night when we were lying in the bed I thanked him for what he had done. And I told him I knew that he hurt to and went through it just like I did and that his hurt meant just as much as mine and I felt as if I had drew strength from him and the Lord to make it through another day.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving


Happy Thanksgiving friends!! I hope that you all have a wonderful holiday. I am excited about the holidays this year. I know that Christmas will be hard for me, I usually feel my loss of being childless but overall I am excited. Tomorrow I plan on being with my family and eating dinner and going to the nursing home to be with my grandmother. I have even though about putting my Christmas tree up tomorrow night but after a long day tomorrow I might change my mind. I am planning on going shopping Friday at Walmart. We are gojng early but I have to say I dread the crowds and the long long lines. I am sick right now with a cold but I am hoping that I will feel better by tomorrow. I wish you all a wonderful weekend and God Bless you.

Monday, November 15, 2010

talkin about nothing

I am sitting here doing nothing so I thought why not write on my blog. I have been sitting here watching the real housewives of Atlanta. Really?? those are so not "real" housewives. I love watching them though but though are so not "real" housewives. I wish I had a maid that would fold my clothes and put them up for me. Thats my least favorite thing to do. Since I have been having trouble with my muscles I have been trying to find things to occupy my time. I have been scrapbooking and reading alot. I have been reading some books by Beverly Lewis about people in the Amish life. They are alot different than anything I have ever read but I really liked them. The best book that I have ever read is called the Tall Woman by Wilma Dykeman...it is an older book and it is awesome. There is a follow up book about one of the families in the book called the far family. You all should read these two books they are so good. Its about living in older times on a farm and I love those kinds of books. I wish I could find more books like that.

Here is my new favorite song this week

Saturday, November 13, 2010

A Good Day to praise HIM!

Right now I am doing good. I feel like I am in a good place right now. The Lord has renewed my strength once again. His mercy and His grace are amazing. He is so good to me when I dont even deserve it. I am focusing on my relationship with the Lord and putting him first in my life. He is everything to me and I could not live without him. I am so excited to get to go to church in the morning!!! Well last Wed. I wrecked..they think I had a seizure and wrecked. I hurt my head and my arm but other than that I am ok. It was my first accident and I am thankful that the Lord kept me safe. Please keep me in your prayers that I can be faithful and work for the Lord.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

my new puppy and lovin the fall

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This is my new baby Izzy. I got her Sunday, a friend of mine gave her to me. I think she is the cutest thing ever! But all she does is sleep :) and eat! Anyways, I am loving this fall weather! It is so beautiful. This is my favorite time of year and love the pumpkins and decorations. My husband and I carve pumpkins every year (i know we act like kids) I love to watch the leaves fall.


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Saturday, October 2, 2010

I'M BACK!! YAY!!!

I's been a long time since I have been able to blog..I have not had any internet since we moved. No high speed here until we found out we could get Hughes Net, so I was happy as a child on Christmas morning when they installed it lol!! I am glad to be back! This year has been tough but all in all its been a good year. In my journal that I write in I saw that on New Years I wrote "2010..a year of new beginnings..." and I believe that I was right. Thats what this year has been so far and I hope that it continues to be that way for us.I am still not pregnant but I am still waiting. We got to buy our new house that we didnt think we were going to be able to buy. The Lord worked it out and we got to move in in May. I live right beside my grandparents so I get to spend lots and lots of time with them! I found out that I am going to be an aunt again to a little boy! I am really excited about meeting him, he will be here in December! I got to spend lots of time with my niece this summer, she is growing and is so beautiful! My fatherinlaw had a heart attack and we almost lost him, but the Lord brought him through it and he got saved and started serving the Lord, so that was the best news that we have had all year! My best friend found out she was pregnant the other day. She is a wonderful mother and she deserves many children. This makes her third one. Anthony has been working hard and working many hours in the coal mines. I will post a few pics of the house we bought and some recent pics of us. My muscle pain has been bothering me alot and i still have to fight to stay out of depression.

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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Trying to Deal

I recieved news that my SIL is pregnant again. I am excited for her but my heart ached. In my mind I thought I may be the next one in our family to have to have a child. She is a wonderful mother and deserves all the children she wants. And I am glad that she dosen't have to struggle with infertility. But you all know how the emotions are with this. On one hand I am overjoyed with knowing that I will have another neice or nephew but I am jealous right now and wishing it was me. I need strength to get through this. Below is a picture of my beautiful niece.

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Monday, April 12, 2010

My day dreaming

I have been day dreaming in my head what it would be like to be parents. What it would be like to look down at a test that was positive. I can just imagine me telling Anthony we are having a baby. I know I would be over filled with emotion. I want to be able to buy maternity clothes and be thrown a baby shower. I want to be able to share with our families the news that our miracle is on its way. I can imagine decorating the room in pink or blue. I am dying to hold my child in my arms for the first time and look into its eyes. I long to see Anthony hold our baby in his arms and see him filled with so much love for our child. I want my grandparents to have time to spend with my child, I want to spend time with my children playing with Nova and let Tab have the opportunity to be an aunt. Nova has brought us such joy and I want Tab to know what that is like. I want to hold my baby and comfort it in the night. I want to spend my days playing with it and learning it about the Lord. I want to be excited when Anthony comes home from work telling him the things we did each day. I want to share that bond with him of our love creating a child that is a part of him and a part of me. I love him so much and I feel such a close bond with him because of all we have went through and I know that having a child would only make it stronger. I want us to spend weekends having picnics, playing, and going to the toys in walmart. I want my child to spend time with its grandparents and enjoy them. I want to watch it grow. I want to see these dreams of mine become a reality. I know the Lord is able to perform and I am not giving up. The devil tries to make me doubt but I know it will happen. The Lord has not forsaken me and He will never. This is a huge miracle for me but it is a small and easy thing for the Lord to perform. I am like a child asking again and again for something. But He is telling me Child it is not time. Just wait a little while longer. He is going to do this for us….

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I have calmed down LOL

Since my last post I have calmed down lol! I was upset when I wrote the last one but now I am ok. Things are going good right now. I am getting ready to move in the next few weeks so I am excited and putting all my energy into that. I am buying a house that is next to my grandmothers house. I am still praying about the adoption and I have delayed going to the fertility clinic for a few more months. Sometimes I think our minds and our marriages need a break from all the stress and just have some fun. Yes, I want a baby more than ever. But I also want my marriage to be strong when a child comes. So I plan on having lots of fun this summer. Spending time with my family and my church family, going to the lake (i can't wait for that), going to Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg TN a few times, going fourwheeler riding, growing a garden and canning some food! For those of you who grow your own garden you know that there is nothing better than picking beans and breaking them up, cooking them and eating them with slaw and a big juicy tomatoe "maters" (is what I call them lol, I know I am a redneck hillbilly!) I think this is the happiest I have been in a long time. The Lord has sure blessed me. One of my friends that has been praying for a baby for four years is pregnant!!!! I am so excited for her.Below is a pic of one of my best friends babies. She was the one I talked about having a baby after ttc for five years. Just thought I would let you see her and it is a reminder that Miracles do happen and the Lord is in Control!!
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Monday, March 15, 2010

i've went crazy people

I try and I try to understand but I don't. This is not fair what I am going through. I cannot stand it one more day. My heart is breaking and no one around us seems to notice. I am so tired of being the one who is waiting for life to begin for me. I am so tired of no one understanding how we feel. Oh well, they just go on with their happy lives and we are standing here trying to figure out what in the world we are going to do. I feel like screaming!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it is not like me to be so angry but I cannot hold it in and if I don't write it down I fear I may explode on someone. I don't want to be invited to a baby shower, a kids birthday party. Ok I am sounding a little extreme but I just need a day to feel sorry for myself and then I will be back to my normal self. I apologize to anyone who read this because I am acting childish. I am just frustrated!!!! Pray for me please pray for me. I am dealing with so many things in my life right now. Because of my high blood pressure which they can't keep under control they want me to go on a very strong BP med but she will only give it to me if I go on birth control or quit trying for a while. She said that it was to dangerous to be taking it and to get pregnant at the same time. I wasen't going to do it, I was going to stay on the meds I was on but even with 200mgs. of metoperlol my BP was 158/104 my best one this week was 154/98 I have always had trouble with my blood pressure ever since I was in high school but it keeps getting worse and my heart rate is terribly high. I am sorry for the compaining session just needed to vent with people who understand how I feel.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

upon my knees

praying Pictures, Images and PhotosLord I am here tonight upon my bended knees. My heart is crying out to you, Oh will you hear me please. There is that longing that’s in my soul, the breaking of my heart. Will you please come by and make this pain depart. I know I’m not the only one, others battles are the same. I believe that you will move for us if we call upon your name. And so we bow before you, upon our knees we kneel. You are the only one who holds the power to heal. I know you’ve answers prayers before we have the proof with Hannah, the power to heal the sick and feed your children with manna. Lord, I am not asking for material things just a child to call our own, I pray that you bless us and fill our empty home. So many nights I have cried upon my bed with tears. The hurt has been in my heart Lord for so many years. The tears they do fall as do the rain, I don’t let people get to close I fear they’ll see my pain. I want to be like them and have a family too, I pray that you have mercy and touch my empty womb. To be patient and wait on you with all my heart I’m trying. With arms wide open you stretch them out and hold me while I’m crying. You are the only place Lord that I want to go, you are the one to comfort me, of this I truly know. You’ve sent me strength and you always comfort me. In debt to you Lord I will always be. Lord I love you so much, I feel your presence near. For I know by my side you are always here. I’m sorry Lord to bother you with this request again. But I know to keep persistence it will be worth it in the end. I rise up from my knees, on my life I look back, you have blessed us so and no good thing we lack. Through our pain we will praise you and to your name we’ll sing. We know you’re the giver of life because you are our King. Samantha

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Dear Baby...

Dear Baby,
I am waiting on you. I cannot wait until the day that I hear that you are coming. These years of waiting has been so long but I know you will be worth the wait. Someday I will understand why I had to wait so long to hold you in my arms. Oh, how I dream of what life will be like when you get here. To see your face for the first time is more than I can even imagine. I promise we will love you and cherish every moment that we have with you. I will know how blessed I truley am, I will cherish the moments that others overlook. I won't complain when you spill stuff on the carpet, I won't ignore you when you ask me to play. I will take the time each day to tell you how much you mean to me. We will read together and learn about the Lord. There are so many things I long to do but I have to wait. We would love to be able to wake up early with you by our side. we would love for our house to be a wreck with toys threw everywhere. For now you are only in my dreams but I know that soon you will be a reality. I pray for you each day, asking the Lord to send you to me. I have never met you but I miss you so terribly bad. I feel that void in my life, the part where you are supposed to be. Some have told me to give up that it may not be the Lords will for me to have you but I know they are wrong. They don't know what I feel in my heart. I dream of what you will look like, I hope you have your daddys eyes. Your daddy will be amazing, he is amazing. He will be so much fun. Of anyone ever deserved to be a father it is him. I could not ask for anyone better to share my life with. He holds me when I cry and when I want you so bad. He assures me that you will be here soon. He is the strong one, without him I could never have made it through all this. Almost eight years waiting on you but when you arrive our family will be complete.My dreams will have come true. My heart will be filled. Baby, I love you even though I have never looked upon your face, I would give all my earthly possessions for you but I can't. Only in the Lords timing. He is the giver of life and I know that He knows whats best for me. He sees the forest when I can only see the trees. Samantha

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

can't sleep tonight

Tonight from out of nowhere I just started crying while I was talking to my husband. I just started crying and told him how much I wanted to be a mother and I could not stop. It seem to just happen all at once. I did feel better after a good long cry! After that I talked to my husband anout the Lord and what He is able to do. I pray that my husband will get saved, to be in church worshipping the Lord together would be an awesome thing for me. He is a wonderful man though, I can't believe we are married sometimes. We have been friends since the third grade, went all the way through school together (i found him some girlfriends in school to!), and on our last semester of high school we just started talking more on the phone and one night he said (now we weren't even dating yet!) He said when we get married I will move you somewhere where you can have a pond behind our house with ducks in it. A couple weeks later he ask me out. As soon as I graduated we moved in together (my family about died..they said I was to young) I was to young but I guess everything worked out fine (: But I still haven't got my pond with the ducks!! I will have to post a photo that I have of me and him together at our eigth grade graduation.
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Saturday, January 23, 2010

my friend Alicia

This is dedicated to my friend Alicia from consider it all joy blog
after reading a post that she had on there I felt inspired to write this about her
The heart of a woman:
There are certain people, special people that have to face the toughest of circumstances. They are everyday people yet they are extraordinary. If you saw them they would look like everyone eles. By appearance you would not know the daily battle that they face. They have strength to fight the battle, they have the endurance to press forward and the ability to be courageous in the fight. They are filled with hope that tomorrow will be a better day. There is a love deep in their heart and a compassion for others. Though their eyes are filled with tears there is a joy that remains in the heart. Patience has taught them the love that God has for us. Their faith is unmovable, unshakable, they have the peace of Jesus in their heart. This is the heart of someone facing infertility. Some of their journeys has ended in heartache, some in joy. Some are facing the storm right now. These are a strong group of women. With our hearts on our sleeves we will march on.

Monday, January 18, 2010

A new blog (=

I created another blog for random stuff that I write about. I just wanted to show you where it was at. I am certain there are not many that reads my blog but I am postint this anyways lol!! it is at http://laughoutloud4life.blogspot.com/

I AM ME.....

i am me Pictures, Images and PhotosI am me, I am no one eles but myself. For a long time I have compared myself to others. Compared myself to these women who are "fertile" and have families. I have compared myself to those that I went to school with, those that have careers and have success in everything that they have attempted to do. Sometimes I look at myself and think I have no career because I wanted to be a mother, I am not a mother because I am infertile. Where is my success. I know that it is not good to envy others but today I thought there are peoples lives that I do envy. Those that are mothers, those that have awsome jobs. And I thought there is no one that would envy my life. No one would want to trade places with me. I was feeling hopeless. I don't have a lot of money I don't know if I can even afford adoption at this point. But in the midst of feeling hopeless I can hear the word of God in my heart. I am rich because I am saved by his grace. Why would I want anyone to envy my life. The Lord came to this earth to have NO reputation but came in the form of a servant. He had not a place to lay his head, his purpose was to fulfill the will of the Father. That is what I am here on this earth to be, a servant of the Lords. If I never possess much on earth I am ok, because I know that I am laying up treasures in heaven. I still want to be a mother very badly but I am a child of the King and that is something to be grateful for. I want to grow closer to the Lord and follow His will for my life.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

deciding

My husband and I are thinking about going down the road of adoption. We really don't know where to begin or really what to do but I am praying that the Lord will guide us in the direction that He would have us to go. Please keep us in your prayers, I want to be a mother so bad and my husband would love to be a father.