Is this reality or a dream maybe?
Can I really not have a baby?
I awoke to hear the crying
So very hard I am trying.
But the crying came from my own eyes
When I realized I could sing no sweet lullabies.
My feet walk upon barren ground
I wonder if I make a sound
Do they really know how I feel?
Though my lips stay so still
The days go by, the months, the years
When will you dry all my tears
They are ever flowing from my eyes
If they could see my heart they’d be surprised.
How long I have waited seems like eternity
I keep crying out why can’t it be me.
This lonesome journey I have to face
But I have to keep running this race
I my feet are tired, my heart is weary
I’ve been in the cold, how it is dreary
I ask this question, does anyone care
My heart is reminded He’s always been there
I wonder if childlessness is my fate
I wonder how long I’ll have to wait
In the cold and lonely night
I close my eyes and what a sight
I see me there holding you
Will this dream really come true
But with the mornings light my dreams all flee
My heart is broken, can’t you see
Upon my knees in deep despair
Once again, reminded, He’s always there
He says to ask and just believe
And it will be mine to receive
My heart is listening to the Lord
And on that day what galore
When I look into my babies eyes
I know that surely I will cry
I’ll thank the Lord for the miracle given to me
And what a great day that will be.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I can make it through this, I am able to fight this fight. The Bible says that the Lord will go before us and fight our battles. That is a comfort to know that He can and will take care of us no matter what the outcome is in our situation. My desire is to grow closer to the Lord. To be one who hungers and thirsts after rightousness, one who has the fruits of the spirit abiding in my life. To be one who seeks the Lord daily and to live a pure and a clean life before him. The Lord holds our lives in his hands, he loves us. I know that in these situations in life we don’t understand why things happen, I have often wondered that and I still do. But deep in my heart I know that I serve one who hold my tomorrows in his hands and I know He will take care of me. I could not go through this battle without the Lord he has been my comfort from the storm, my place of refuge, my anchor. When the storms are raging he holds me still in the palm of his hand. If we trust in him we will not perish in the battle. If we could only see what He can sees we would know there is a reason for this battle. We all face different trials and tribulations in our lives but no matter what the problem HE IS THE ANSWER!
Monday, September 7, 2009
I was so nervous about my appointment to the fertility clinic I thought my heart would actually stop before I got in there. I actually stopped on my way up there and bought a pregnancy test at Walmart and took it in a gas station bathroom. I thought maybe just maybe I am pregnant and won't have to go through with going to the Dr. Well, I wasen't preg. but I did make it to the Dr. It was at the Blugrass Fertility Center in Lexington with Dr. James Akin and I was so nervous. But when his nurse came in she made me feel so comfortable and she calmed me down. They were so very nice. He was just as friendly and kind as she was and I felt comfortable with him. I am so happy that he was nice. I need a Dr. that I can ask questions and talk to. Anyways, he wants me to take Clomid 100 mgs. and a pill called Prometrium that makes me have a period each month. My problem as far as I know is that I am not ovulating on my own. If this dosen't work in three cycles my husband and I have to both go back. He will have to have a sperm count and I will have to have the xray dye test to check my tubes. Of coarse my prayer is that I don't have to go back and that these pills work. I am going to start the prometrium tomorrow. So please please pray for me. I am very excited. And my hubby is worried lol because of the mood swings I had on the 50mgs of clomid just for that one month. I am usually a person always laughing and smiling and during that cycle with clomid I was terrrible. We always get along but during that time we didn't like each other at all, but we still loved each other(: On cycle days 21-23 the Dr. told me to go to the lab and have my progesterone level checked. Does any of you know what the level should be if I did ovulate. I am not very familiar with that and I am wondering. I will keep you updated on whats going on. I am very excited to be getting the chance to go through with this. Although my insurance is not paying a dollar, the only thing they covered were my labs and I am not even sure how much they covered on that. So just in case this dosen't work and I have to go back in three months I have to have money to pay so I have to save every penny that I can. My husband is the only one working right now because of my muscle problems and it is going to be difficult but I know with the help and the guidance of the Lord that we will be ok. I know that no matter the outcome of this the Lord will hold me in the palm of his hand. I have felt his peace at times when my world was crashing in, and felt his presence when I was rejoicing. He is amazing and no matter what happens I want to be a christian FIRST in my life and let everything eles come next.