Wednesday, June 10, 2009

How long will the storm last or will it go on forever?



I don't know how much more I can stand, I am the person that always has a smile on my face, the one who is always telling a joke, the one who looks on the bright side of things. I can't do it anymore. I feel like I am loosing my will to fight this, what can I do? I don't feel that I can survive the days anymore. Why awake in the morning just to be broken hearted again? I want to scream and cry, I feel like I am begging for happiness that will never come true. I want the lives of those around me, I want to be a mother. I love my husband, he is my safe place to run. But the guilt of nt be having to have him a child is tearing my heart into. Will I never be able to tell him I am pregnant? Will this torment in my mind go on forever? I feel like I should let go of this dream but I am holding on, holding on for dear life to it. I feel like my life will fall apart if I have to let go of this dream. I always thought it was only natural to want a child but my feelings don't feel natural. I feel the depression and the darkness trying to drown my heart out. I feel guilty because I think I should be happy and trust the Lord. I love the Lord and I know that he is able, but my heart is afraid. I am falling into a place that I have never been before. Why is this the only thing that I can think of? Lord, please help me with this, I am broken hearted, I am confused, I am helpless and I need you to rescue me. The rain feels like it won't quit falling in my life and I can't tell those around me. I feel like I have to pretend to be the happy one and it is tearing me apart. I am dying inside, I am screaming and no one hears me. No love and happiness seems it will be in my life, only sadness, heartbreak, and my broken dreams shattered at my feet.

3 comments:

Alicia said...

Oh, Samantha I feel your pain. My heart breaks for you and I shed tears to the Lord for you.

You asked the question "Why awake in the morning just to be broken hearted again?"

I will pray this scripture to the Lord for you:

"Cause me(Samantha) to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do(she) I trust: cause me(her) to know the way wherin I(she) should walk; for I lift up my(her) soul unto thee."

Psalm 143:8

I was so touched by your hummble heart, God loves a hummble heart, He loves a broken heart that knows it's need of Him.

I will pray for His grace and mercy to be upon you and that you would know His joy personally in your spirit. Of course for the blessings of children too.

God loves you. John 3:16

Jesus, My Best Friend said...

Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Samantha,
I understand...and its okay to be honest with the Lord...He wants us to pour out our hearts to Him and you do that.
I don't know what the outcome will be for you...but I do know this...God loves you deeply...He sees your pain...and He will make bring beauty from it...that you can trust. You are not forgotten by Him...He has you inscribed on the palms of His hand...and He won't let you go. Whatever your life holds He will help you with.
Take it a day at a time...ask Him to help you give this dream to Him and trust Him that He will bring good out of this.
Your love of God shines through your posts and glorifies Him in this dark place. You remind me of a Jacque Valquez song that talks about being a flower in the rain.
You have a beautiful heart, dollie.