Wednesday, June 10, 2009
How long will the storm last or will it go on forever?
I don't know how much more I can stand, I am the person that always has a smile on my face, the one who is always telling a joke, the one who looks on the bright side of things. I can't do it anymore. I feel like I am loosing my will to fight this, what can I do? I don't feel that I can survive the days anymore. Why awake in the morning just to be broken hearted again? I want to scream and cry, I feel like I am begging for happiness that will never come true. I want the lives of those around me, I want to be a mother. I love my husband, he is my safe place to run. But the guilt of nt be having to have him a child is tearing my heart into. Will I never be able to tell him I am pregnant? Will this torment in my mind go on forever? I feel like I should let go of this dream but I am holding on, holding on for dear life to it. I feel like my life will fall apart if I have to let go of this dream. I always thought it was only natural to want a child but my feelings don't feel natural. I feel the depression and the darkness trying to drown my heart out. I feel guilty because I think I should be happy and trust the Lord. I love the Lord and I know that he is able, but my heart is afraid. I am falling into a place that I have never been before. Why is this the only thing that I can think of? Lord, please help me with this, I am broken hearted, I am confused, I am helpless and I need you to rescue me. The rain feels like it won't quit falling in my life and I can't tell those around me. I feel like I have to pretend to be the happy one and it is tearing me apart. I am dying inside, I am screaming and no one hears me. No love and happiness seems it will be in my life, only sadness, heartbreak, and my broken dreams shattered at my feet.