Saturday, June 13, 2009

what a day....

I went shopping today after my Dr’s appointment. The malls are filled with babies, mothers, fathers, grandparents. Everywhere you look families are laughing, shopping, playing with one another. All the toy stores, all the baby clothes. I want to run and hide, I am tired of feeling alone. Just can’t seem to find my place in this world. Everyway I try to go I get a door slammed in my face. My faith is shaken, I can’t believe the shape that I am in. The heartache that feels it is overtaking my life. I just want a life to call my own, a life I am proud of. Can I trade in this life for another? I guess I can get no refund or trade in this scared infertile girl for a fertile happy woman. I want it to be me so bad instead of everyone eles. I need help.

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronis fatigue syndrome but now I am seeing a new Dr. and I have to have a bunch of new tests done so please pray for me. I have to have my bloodowrk done next week and then a nerve conduction tests (that scares me) I am hoping they can find something that they can treat and that I will start feeling better.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

How long will the storm last or will it go on forever?

I don't know how much more I can stand, I am the person that always has a smile on my face, the one who is always telling a joke, the one who looks on the bright side of things. I can't do it anymore. I feel like I am loosing my will to fight this, what can I do? I don't feel that I can survive the days anymore. Why awake in the morning just to be broken hearted again? I want to scream and cry, I feel like I am begging for happiness that will never come true. I want the lives of those around me, I want to be a mother. I love my husband, he is my safe place to run. But the guilt of nt be having to have him a child is tearing my heart into. Will I never be able to tell him I am pregnant? Will this torment in my mind go on forever? I feel like I should let go of this dream but I am holding on, holding on for dear life to it. I feel like my life will fall apart if I have to let go of this dream. I always thought it was only natural to want a child but my feelings don't feel natural. I feel the depression and the darkness trying to drown my heart out. I feel guilty because I think I should be happy and trust the Lord. I love the Lord and I know that he is able, but my heart is afraid. I am falling into a place that I have never been before. Why is this the only thing that I can think of? Lord, please help me with this, I am broken hearted, I am confused, I am helpless and I need you to rescue me. The rain feels like it won't quit falling in my life and I can't tell those around me. I feel like I have to pretend to be the happy one and it is tearing me apart. I am dying inside, I am screaming and no one hears me. No love and happiness seems it will be in my life, only sadness, heartbreak, and my broken dreams shattered at my feet.