Tuesday, April 14, 2009

i wonder........

They understand not the depth of my nor the source of it. They think, oh she can't have a baby that is sad. To me it is more than sad. I am experiencing death here. Why don't know why infertility has to hurt so bad. There is an isolation that goes along with this, feeling alone is a bad feeling. I long to talk to and communicate with people who know how I feel. I feel isolated from the "fertile" world. Visiting a new mother and baby rips my heart into.I am constantly sitting here waiting to become a mother. I am crying on the inside constantly, it takes very little to get the tears flowing on the outside. Sometimes I think what is wrong with me??
Anthony and I babysat my best friends new little baby Sunday evening. As we sat there on the couch I told him that was how I wanted to spend my life. It was such a good feeling just sitting there holding the baby and talking to each other. And watching him with a baby makes me want one even more. He is so great with babies and to watch him play with his neice is increadable. Seeing how much he loves her makes me fall in love with him all over again. I just wonder sometimes why such an amazing person like him has to struggle like this. He is dying to be a father and I can’t do anything about it. It breaks my heart, but I know that this has brought us closer, we have such a great bond of love and friendship that I am so thankful for. Soemtimes I just can’t help but wonder why?

2 comments:

Ashley said...

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I feel your pain!!! One day we will hold our babies!! Don't give up:)

Alicia said...

I understand feeling like its a death. Jesus understands too and loves you and your husband. I notice that I shy away from new moms and their babies. Lifting you up in prayer, keep the baby hopes alive :)

Love Alicia