Thursday, April 23, 2009

a beautiful day (: (:

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Today was such a beautiful day, the sun was shining and it was just gorgeous. Living here in the mountains in Kentucky is beautiful this time of year. Everything is blooming and it is so quiet. So I walked outside and I took pictures. Ok, I do have a point here, I wanted so bad to have a child with me today of my own. I wanted to play in the yard with them, let them swing. When the weathers warm I want to be able to take my kids to the creek behind the house and let them play in the water. I am not asking for the material things in this life. I just want a child. I want to come in the house after a long day outside of playing with my child, bath, have dinner, and enjoy the simple things like tucking my baby in the bed at night. As I sat and watched Anthony cutting the grass this morning I thought of all the people who have simple days like this with their children and take them for granted. Oh what I would give to have that chance today.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

i wonder........

They understand not the depth of my nor the source of it. They think, oh she can't have a baby that is sad. To me it is more than sad. I am experiencing death here. Why don't know why infertility has to hurt so bad. There is an isolation that goes along with this, feeling alone is a bad feeling. I long to talk to and communicate with people who know how I feel. I feel isolated from the "fertile" world. Visiting a new mother and baby rips my heart into.I am constantly sitting here waiting to become a mother. I am crying on the inside constantly, it takes very little to get the tears flowing on the outside. Sometimes I think what is wrong with me??
Anthony and I babysat my best friends new little baby Sunday evening. As we sat there on the couch I told him that was how I wanted to spend my life. It was such a good feeling just sitting there holding the baby and talking to each other. And watching him with a baby makes me want one even more. He is so great with babies and to watch him play with his neice is increadable. Seeing how much he loves her makes me fall in love with him all over again. I just wonder sometimes why such an amazing person like him has to struggle like this. He is dying to be a father and I can’t do anything about it. It breaks my heart, but I know that this has brought us closer, we have such a great bond of love and friendship that I am so thankful for. Soemtimes I just can’t help but wonder why?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Praise You

I love the words of this song. Because no matter the storm that we are facing in our lives we should praise the Lord through it.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Loving Life

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Today went good. We had a very good church service, I think I cried the whole time. I cried and cried and I know the Lord saw every tear. I wanted to lean on him today and know the he is in control. The preaching was good. He preached about having confidence in our salvation and in the Lord. Knowing that the Lord is able to do all things and that we have to give it all to him. Having that hope living in us, that the Lords hears our cries. And that one day we are going to reach our home in heaven. My church is my life. They are my family. We are all so very close and I thank the Lord for them all. They give me the encouragment and the love that I need to keep on going. I was reading my Bible this morning before I left for church in the book of Isaiah and there were so many verses that comforted me and let me know that the Lord is the giver of life and that He made all things. With just a word he could speak and out life into our empty wombs. With just a word he could change our lives forever. With His help I will serve him until my dying day. I know that I have hard days, but I thank the Lord for the good and the bad. On the good days He has put that joy in my heart, and on my bad days He is right there to comfort me.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Still Waiting.....

Today I babysat my cousins little girl. We had such a good day. Days like these I realize that being a mother would be the best thing in the world. Watching cartoons and eating breakfast this morning. Then we got out and done the things that I needed to get done today. We came back and took a nap, then we got up and ate again. I want that life. It may seem simple to someone eles but I would love for my days to be like that. I want to be a mother more than anything, It just felt so much better having a child in the house today. Hearing the laughter, seeing the smiles, it was all so good. I know that I was meant to be a mother, I feel it with everything that is in me. I knoe that I am ready, but I don't understand why I still have to wait. But the Lord knows all things. He sees the whole picture, he sees the things that I cannot see. He knows the things that my small mind can't even comprehend. I can't help but want a baby so bad, this is a desire that just won't leave me. I love the Lord and I am here still waiting....