Friday, March 27, 2009
Well I came back from the hospital tonight they are not going to induce her labor until noon tomorrow so I thought I would come home and rest for a little while. I cannot sleep it is 4:00am. I have been up all night. My mind seems like it is racing. My husband came home from work tonight and we just started talking. He ask me how she was doing and I just broke down. It made me feel better though to let it all out. To cry and say that I wish it was me, I wish it was my turn. I am sorry if I sound selfish right now but thats how I feel. I was trying before she got pregnant the first time. Now her little boy is four and so we always talked about when she had another one that we may be pregnant together at the same time. Tomorrow she will give birth and I have yet to experience that. I was so optimistic earlier and now the stress is getting to me. How many more years will it be or will it ever happen. I know that no one has the answer for that but the Lord. I had to get on here and vent a little before I went crazy. Praying to the Lord and writing how I feel really does help me. I feel like no one thats around me understand me.They understand not the depth of my nor the source of it. They think, oh she can't have a baby that is sad. To me it is more than sad. I am experiencing death here. Why don't know why infertility has to hurt so bad. There is an isolation that goes along with this, feeling alone is a bad feeling. I long to talk to and communicate with people who know how I feel. I feel isolated from the "fertile" world. I have been surprised at the way felt towards people who had children in my family.-visiting a new mother and baby rips my heart into.I am constantly sitting here waiting to become a mother. I am crying on the inside constantly, it takes very little to get the tears flowing on the outside. Please remember my friend in your prayers that the Lord will watch over them and keep her and her baby safe. I love them both with all of my heart.