Friday, March 27, 2009

Crying Inside

Well I came back from the hospital tonight they are not going to induce her labor until noon tomorrow so I thought I would come home and rest for a little while. I cannot sleep it is 4:00am. I have been up all night. My mind seems like it is racing. My husband came home from work tonight and we just started talking. He ask me how she was doing and I just broke down. It made me feel better though to let it all out. To cry and say that I wish it was me, I wish it was my turn. I am sorry if I sound selfish right now but thats how I feel. I was trying before she got pregnant the first time. Now her little boy is four and so we always talked about when she had another one that we may be pregnant together at the same time. Tomorrow she will give birth and I have yet to experience that. I was so optimistic earlier and now the stress is getting to me. How many more years will it be or will it ever happen. I know that no one has the answer for that but the Lord. I had to get on here and vent a little before I went crazy. Praying to the Lord and writing how I feel really does help me. I feel like no one thats around me understand me.They understand not the depth of my nor the source of it. They think, oh she can't have a baby that is sad. To me it is more than sad. I am experiencing death here. Why don't know why infertility has to hurt so bad. There is an isolation that goes along with this, feeling alone is a bad feeling. I long to talk to and communicate with people who know how I feel. I feel isolated from the "fertile" world. I have been surprised at the way felt towards people who had children in my family.-visiting a new mother and baby rips my heart into.I am constantly sitting here waiting to become a mother. I am crying on the inside constantly, it takes very little to get the tears flowing on the outside. Please remember my friend in your prayers that the Lord will watch over them and keep her and her baby safe. I love them both with all of my heart.

3 comments:

Stacey said...

Hey Samantha,
Your pain is very real to me in this post. I just want you to know that I know how awful it is, and I'm sorry. I know that waiting is excruciating, and trying to support others who seem to easily get what you so badly want is painful, even though you are happy for them.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Still praying for you!

Barren Womb said...

Samantha,
I hear your pain & I feel your sorrow. It is lonely, I am always around if you need someone! Hugs To You!

Jesus, My Best Friend said...

i totally feel u. i broke down at work today over a baby that was there. it is soo hard. my good friend is getting ready to have her 2nd one, too, and i am so happy for her (she went through infertility, too) but i still wonder when i will get a turn. it hurts just like a death... it's like we are grieving over this child every month that wasn't even there to begin with. Praying for u!