Sunday, March 29, 2009
My best friend had her baby, everything went very well for her. I thank the Lord for that,that she had a healthy baby. He is beautiful, I am already in love with him! I changed him last night and he has already pooped and peed on me so we pretty good friends now lol. When I heard him cry I just broke down crying, I held in in all day until that point and then there was no stopping all the tears. And they are still coming. I was very excited but when everything was over and when I walked into my house I realized that she had a miracle in her life and when I walked in here I still I had the silence, the lonliness. Nothing has changed for me. I am still not a mother. My friends let me have a bog part in their childrens lives and let me babysit them whenever I like, they are always so good about making me included in their lives. But I do wish that it was my time, I want to be the one who hears that cry for the first time and knows that it is my baby, to be the one bringing home a baby. Will I get over this? My heart is broken, this helplessness and lonliness that I feel is consuming me. I didn't know that it would be this hard. I have been through this with my friends before and I have never felt this desperate. Why not us? why not me? Why everyone but me? Please Lord, hear my cry tonight, please Lord have mercy on me, I need your strength , I need your help right now. This pain is unbearable.Today I am bearly holding onto my dream that I will become a mother, I know that the Lord will send me strength and that I will be optimistic once again but for today the pain is to real.
I usually don't listen to music like this but I heard this and it seemed like I could feel every word that it said.