Sunday, March 29, 2009

Broken Hearted

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My best friend had her baby, everything went very well for her. I thank the Lord for that,that she had a healthy baby. He is beautiful, I am already in love with him! I changed him last night and he has already pooped and peed on me so we pretty good friends now lol. When I heard him cry I just broke down crying, I held in in all day until that point and then there was no stopping all the tears. And they are still coming. I was very excited but when everything was over and when I walked into my house I realized that she had a miracle in her life and when I walked in here I still I had the silence, the lonliness. Nothing has changed for me. I am still not a mother. My friends let me have a bog part in their childrens lives and let me babysit them whenever I like, they are always so good about making me included in their lives. But I do wish that it was my time, I want to be the one who hears that cry for the first time and knows that it is my baby, to be the one bringing home a baby. Will I get over this? My heart is broken, this helplessness and lonliness that I feel is consuming me. I didn't know that it would be this hard. I have been through this with my friends before and I have never felt this desperate. Why not us? why not me? Why everyone but me? Please Lord, hear my cry tonight, please Lord have mercy on me, I need your strength , I need your help right now. This pain is unbearable.Today I am bearly holding onto my dream that I will become a mother, I know that the Lord will send me strength and that I will be optimistic once again but for today the pain is to real.

I usually don't listen to music like this but I heard this and it seemed like I could feel every word that it said.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Crying Inside

Well I came back from the hospital tonight they are not going to induce her labor until noon tomorrow so I thought I would come home and rest for a little while. I cannot sleep it is 4:00am. I have been up all night. My mind seems like it is racing. My husband came home from work tonight and we just started talking. He ask me how she was doing and I just broke down. It made me feel better though to let it all out. To cry and say that I wish it was me, I wish it was my turn. I am sorry if I sound selfish right now but thats how I feel. I was trying before she got pregnant the first time. Now her little boy is four and so we always talked about when she had another one that we may be pregnant together at the same time. Tomorrow she will give birth and I have yet to experience that. I was so optimistic earlier and now the stress is getting to me. How many more years will it be or will it ever happen. I know that no one has the answer for that but the Lord. I had to get on here and vent a little before I went crazy. Praying to the Lord and writing how I feel really does help me. I feel like no one thats around me understand me.They understand not the depth of my nor the source of it. They think, oh she can't have a baby that is sad. To me it is more than sad. I am experiencing death here. Why don't know why infertility has to hurt so bad. There is an isolation that goes along with this, feeling alone is a bad feeling. I long to talk to and communicate with people who know how I feel. I feel isolated from the "fertile" world. I have been surprised at the way felt towards people who had children in my family.-visiting a new mother and baby rips my heart into.I am constantly sitting here waiting to become a mother. I am crying on the inside constantly, it takes very little to get the tears flowing on the outside. Please remember my friend in your prayers that the Lord will watch over them and keep her and her baby safe. I love them both with all of my heart.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Safe in the Arms of the Lord

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You all pray for me today. My best friend, the one I had the baby shower for has to go into the hospital at 5:00 today. They are going to induce her labor early in the morning. I am going to go and be with her. I am happy and excited for her but you all know the feelings that go along with being around preg. women and babies. Just pray that I can be a help and a friend to her. I want this to be her happy moment, even if I have to hide my hurt. I know that the Lord can work miracles and he can give us peace and joy in our heart when it feels like our world is spinning out of control. One day it will be my day, one day I WILL be experiencing this. For today it hurts but I know that if we suffer with the Lord we will reign with him. I know that the Lord will not put on us more than we can bear and I find comfort in that. Knowing that he is the author and the finisher of our faith. Today I am trusting in him and knowing that when the time comes tomorrow that the Lord will give me the strength that I need to make it. I may cry like a baby but I know that that comfort and that love of God will be abiding in my heart. I am safe in the arms of the Lord.

Monday, March 23, 2009

While I'm Waiting



I am complaining

I know that there is a part missing in my life. I know that there is a part of me that is somewhere eles. I need to find it. Where is it? I don’t know. Where is the child that I have been praying for? The one I have cried for? The one that I have begged for?
Why is my bodying betraying me this way, what is wrong with me?? Why am I being cheated out of this experience that so many others have so easily? Where is my future? What is my future? I have this deep sense of helplessness and I am overwhelmed with the unfairness of it all. I don’t even feel like a woman, I don’t think I will until I become a mother. This is robbing me of my rights to be what I have always dreamed of. Will I ever lead a normal life, or is the my “normal?” This is not a small problem, to me this is a major crisis in my life. These painful feelings have shaken me to the core. This can’t be happening to us. Will I ever wake up from this nightmare that surrounds me each moment.

I would die for that Kellie Coffey

Friday, March 13, 2009

I know the man

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I know the man: I know the man who is the giver of life. I know the man who understands who I am, what I am going through. There is never a tear that I have cried that the Lord has not seen. There has never been a prayer of mine that the Lord has not heard. Thank you Jesus, for being there for me in the darkest of my nights, thank you for leading me through the valleys, without letting me fall. Thank you for that safe place in the storm, you are my hope, in you I will put my trust. When the waves of sorrow overwhelm me, I will fall upon my knees and give it to you and know that you will make a way for me. You are my life. When I can’t cope with all my problems at one time you are there to carry the load. These circumstances that I face I cannot change but I know you can and I will follow you wherever you lead me. Let me be a willing vessel to work for you. Thank you precious Master for all you have given me. I love you Lord, you are my rock and my fortress.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

my husband that i love very much

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I have been reading Alicias Blog over at "Consider it All Joy", and about what she heard today about someone saying that a womb can be closed because we are being punished for some sin in our lives. That makes me so mad that there are people out there that think that we that are "infertile' are all being punished for some "unknown sin" in our lives. Us that know the Lord know that we are serving a loving God and when the Lord saved our souls all of our past sins have been forgiven. We are covered by the blood of Jesus. For people to think that we are being punished for a sin that happened even years ago is appalling to me. Obviously they don't know the grace and the mercy of the Lord. Obviuosly they are not wise enough to know that our sins are cast as far as the east is to the west. I don't get angry over much but for someone to presume something like that makes me mad. I mean, do they not think how others will feel when they hear these comments like this? Whoever Alicia heard say this was probably not someone who had ever experienced infertility or they would not have made such a comment. I will hush now. i just had to vent how mad I was over this.

Monday, March 9, 2009


Friend Pictures, Images and Photos
Thanks for the prayers, the shower went well. There were a couple tough times during it but the Lord gave me strength and put joy in my heart. I had a hard time Sat night but when I went to church on Sunday the Lord really came by and blessed me. That good Holy Ghost sent from above always gives that comfort and strength that we need. Just like the Lord said when He went away into heaven that He would send that Comforter to us. The Lord is amazing in all that He is able to do. Sometimes when I sit back and think of all the miracles that He performed I am amazed. To know that we serve that same God that parted the Red Sea, that gave sight to the blind, that healed the sick, that raised the dead and one that opened the wombs of many women when it seemed impossible. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is able to perform miracles today!! He is able to lead and direct our paths in ways that we never thought we could go. He can give us courage, he can increase our faith. I know that there are many of you out there facing many different things but the Lord is able to move in situations that seem impossible. Sometimes we get down pray and fast to get closer to the Lord. Today I am resting in that wonderful peace from the Father above, and I am thankful to be a Child of God.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

today will be hard

Today is my best friends baby shower which I am having for her. I dread it. I love her more than I could ever say but when I go to these baby showers my heart feels like it is being ripped from my chest, has any of you ever felt this way? I want this to be my baby shower, I want to be the one opening the gifts and bringing them home, and soon be expecting the miracle that I have longed for. I guess I am just selfish and jealous. I am venting on here saying the things that I will say to no one. I need help from the Lord today. Please remember me in your prayers that I can be a good friend and put my self and my feelings out of the way so this can be her happy day. I have not been on here writing lately, I have been so depressed and in so much pain. The pain in my muscles has moved into my arms and hands now so I get tired of I type a lot. But I am going to try to get back on here later today and catch up on some of your blogs. My friend Alicia, you know who you are, I am going to have read your blog I haven't had the chance in a while. Keep in your prayers today my friends.