Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The Sound of Nothing
Tonight I am sitting here in my chair, Anthony is asleep on the couch. There is no sound in the house except for the keys on the computer as I am typing this. The sound of nothing is overwhelming. I feel lonesome tonight. Maybe the quietness is to much for me. Sometimes the distractions of the day keep my mind on other things. But when the night comes and all is still I am reminded of the sounds that I don't have in my life. I will go to bed in a little bit. I will not be awakened by the sound of a baby crying in the night needing it's mommy or daddy to hold it tight. No sound of tiny feet running to our bed because he/she is scared. No sound will I hear of its daddy telling her/him that everything will be ok and that daddy will protect her/him from everything. No sound of laughing as my child hears bedtime stories, wanting to hear it again and again. How I long to hear so many sounds. Who knew that the absence of sounds could be so scary to the soul. To hear the words "your pregnant!" How I cannot imagine the joy that would bring. To see my baby on the screen in the dr.'s office and to hear the heartbeat for the first time. To know that there is a life growing inside of me. A baby that is a part of me and Anthony, will we ever get to share that bond of making a child together? To hear them say "it's a boy or it's a girl" oh how would that feel? To hear my childs first cry as they hand my baby to me for the first time, to hear the first laughter that fills the room with excitement. Will we hear the words mommy and daddy ever said aloud to us? Or will it only be in the back of our minds in a dream? To hear the words I love you. All those things is a million dreams away from me. And the reality is that I am sitting here in an almost dark house praying that I will be able to experience these things before I die. I feel like my heart could stop beating at any time because of pain. How my heart is filled with fear, I am overwhelmed at the thought of us being alone. I look around, there is someone missing from our lives. We are the only ones grieving for this child. No one around me is grieving for my child, the child I may never know. I don't expect them to grieve. For this was not their dream, but mine. There is a vast emptiness inside me swelling up with every breath. There is a tidal wave of grieve drowning out my soul. Will we still be alone when our friends are grandparents? Lord, please complete my life and give me this one request that I have of you. I am scared tonight Lord and scarred from the battle and I need your comfort.