Thursday, February 12, 2009

Pictures on the Fridge

How can going and getting something to drink in the fridge remind me of the fact that I am not a mother? Is it possible that something so simple could be such a huge problem. I walked to the fridge and looked at the pictures on it and I see all ages of children. Children that I love, however, do not belong to me. Things that they have drawn hang there also. I go ahead and open the door and get something out trying to put the thought in the back of my mind. But the thought does not go away. Will there ever come a day when my childrens picture will be covering the outside of the refrigerator? Will there be a time when I can hang their drawings onto it? So many things would be different if there was a child in my life. Little things and big things would be different. Things that normal people would probably never even think about. I would love to have to pick up toys in the living room that were scattered everywhere before I went to bed. I want to hear the sound of cartoons on my TV as I stand in the kitchen watching dishes. I have experienced this as I babysitted and I always wished that it would be my child in the living room. I always loved the sight of the car seat in the back of my car, it belonged to the little girl that I would babysit. Her and I would go places during the days and I loved spending time with her. I would like to have a permanent car seat in my car. One that would stay there at the end of the day, one that belonged to my baby. I know that the subject of car seats may be a boring subject to most but when you have no children there are small things that would really make a difference. When we first began trying I used to love going to the baby section in Walmart and look at all the baby clothes, and all the things that I thought that I would soon be buying. However as the years went by I learned to dislike that section very much. No one realizes that when you do not have a child that everything around you is a reminder of what you don't have in your life. I have walked down the baby isle buying something for a baby shower, crying so hard I had to leave. I want to be able to buy diapers, bottles, formula. People that have children don't seem to realize what a blessing it is to be able to buy these things. I would love to go down the toy isle and have a child. There are so many things Lord that I want to do, why can't I do them? Why me? Why out of everyone around me do I have to be the one that can't me a mother? I am tired of looks of pity from people when I talk about a child, I am tired of being the one at baby showers who feels so out of place, feeling that the tears are going to explode any minute. I am tired of watching everyone eles get their miracles and not me. I am lonely Lord, I know you are there and I know you understand. I am sorry that I question you. I am just having a hard time right now and I feel like I can't even breathe for the pain in my heart.


Alicia said...

I love you and I understand. Jesus loves you and understands too, He died for you and you are so very precious to Him, be reminded of that.

I too struggle with making sense out of what seems like cruel punishment......I pray that He will have you concieve and bring glory to His name through bearing children for Him.

Susan said...

I'm so sorry..... Sending a HUGE hug your way!! I'm right there with you!! Have you read "The Infertility Cure?" I am working on the things it's mentioning now.