Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Needing to Breathe
I fear the unknown, not knowing what tomorrow brings is an impossible agonizing feeling. You wonder will this month be the month that my life will change forever or will it be just another disappointment. This is a very winding road with many turns. There are so many turns in the road and to many speed bumps along the way. This road can leave you mentally exhausted. I want to say "Go away storms, please go away right now" and have them listen to me but they don't. I have found comfort in knowing that I serve the one that can command the storms and have them cease. There is this realization in the back of my mind that my dreams may never be a reality and that scares me to death. I am weeping for our empty cradle that may never be filled. I have felt alone and in despair. Am I even meant to have a child.. My friends do not understand the reality of my loss.I am so tired, I wish that this desire to have a child would leave me. I am afraid to think that I may have to live my life and know what it feels like to be a mother. For most people having babies seem to come as easily as breathing. And I feel like I can't even take a breath and I need to take a breath.