Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Divine Light Pictures, Images and Photos

Needing to Breathe

I fear the unknown, not knowing what tomorrow brings is an impossible agonizing feeling. You wonder will this month be the month that my life will change forever or will it be just another disappointment. This is a very winding road with many turns. There are so many turns in the road and to many speed bumps along the way. This road can leave you mentally exhausted. I want to say "Go away storms, please go away right now" and have them listen to me but they don't. I have found comfort in knowing that I serve the one that can command the storms and have them cease. There is this realization in the back of my mind that my dreams may never be a reality and that scares me to death. I am weeping for our empty cradle that may never be filled. I have felt alone and in despair. Am I even meant to have a child.. My friends do not understand the reality of my loss.I am so tired, I wish that this desire to have a child would leave me. I am afraid to think that I may have to live my life and know what it feels like to be a mother. For most people having babies seem to come as easily as breathing. And I feel like I can't even take a breath and I need to take a breath.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Pictures on the Fridge

How can going and getting something to drink in the fridge remind me of the fact that I am not a mother? Is it possible that something so simple could be such a huge problem. I walked to the fridge and looked at the pictures on it and I see all ages of children. Children that I love, however, do not belong to me. Things that they have drawn hang there also. I go ahead and open the door and get something out trying to put the thought in the back of my mind. But the thought does not go away. Will there ever come a day when my childrens picture will be covering the outside of the refrigerator? Will there be a time when I can hang their drawings onto it? So many things would be different if there was a child in my life. Little things and big things would be different. Things that normal people would probably never even think about. I would love to have to pick up toys in the living room that were scattered everywhere before I went to bed. I want to hear the sound of cartoons on my TV as I stand in the kitchen watching dishes. I have experienced this as I babysitted and I always wished that it would be my child in the living room. I always loved the sight of the car seat in the back of my car, it belonged to the little girl that I would babysit. Her and I would go places during the days and I loved spending time with her. I would like to have a permanent car seat in my car. One that would stay there at the end of the day, one that belonged to my baby. I know that the subject of car seats may be a boring subject to most but when you have no children there are small things that would really make a difference. When we first began trying I used to love going to the baby section in Walmart and look at all the baby clothes, and all the things that I thought that I would soon be buying. However as the years went by I learned to dislike that section very much. No one realizes that when you do not have a child that everything around you is a reminder of what you don't have in your life. I have walked down the baby isle buying something for a baby shower, crying so hard I had to leave. I want to be able to buy diapers, bottles, formula. People that have children don't seem to realize what a blessing it is to be able to buy these things. I would love to go down the toy isle and have a child. There are so many things Lord that I want to do, why can't I do them? Why me? Why out of everyone around me do I have to be the one that can't me a mother? I am tired of looks of pity from people when I talk about a child, I am tired of being the one at baby showers who feels so out of place, feeling that the tears are going to explode any minute. I am tired of watching everyone eles get their miracles and not me. I am lonely Lord, I know you are there and I know you understand. I am sorry that I question you. I am just having a hard time right now and I feel like I can't even breathe for the pain in my heart.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

TAGGED

Hey, I was Tagged by www.consideritalljoy.blogspot.com by my great friend Alicia!!! I am supposed to list 25 random things about myself then tag two other people. I thought this was fun, maybe we can learn some new facts about one another!
1.) The Lord saved me five years ago this month, and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me!!
2.) I love watching reality tv shows!!
3.) Alicia has become a great friend to me
4.) I am overweight, and I love ice cream, I am now on a diet LOL
5.) Going to church and serving the Lord is the most important thing in my life.
6.) I love to sit on the porch on rainy days.
7.) I want to be a nurse
8.) I love music, especially gospel!!!!
9.) I love getting on myspace and www.childlessnotbychoice.com and Ebay!!
10.) My family desperatly needs to be saved
11.) I have fibromyalgia
12.) my hubby is my best friend in the world, we have been friends since we were in the third grade.
13.) I do not have a job right now
14.) I love to go to Gatlinburg TN
15.) I love talking to older people and listening to stories about when they were young.
16.) I live in the hills of Kentucky (I am a hillbilly)
17.) I love to write
18.) I love to read my Bible and study the word of God
19.) My father was in an accident last year and recieved a brain injury and his right side was paralyzed and the Lord spared his life when they gave us no hope.
20.) I love baby lotion
21.) I want to be a help to others
22.) I love popsicles , cherry ones
23.) I cry easily
24.) I love to talk to my friends
25.) I am a sinner saved by grace!!

The Sound of Nothing

Tonight I am sitting here in my chair, Anthony is asleep on the couch. There is no sound in the house except for the keys on the computer as I am typing this. The sound of nothing is overwhelming. I feel lonesome tonight. Maybe the quietness is to much for me. Sometimes the distractions of the day keep my mind on other things. But when the night comes and all is still I am reminded of the sounds that I don't have in my life. I will go to bed in a little bit. I will not be awakened by the sound of a baby crying in the night needing it's mommy or daddy to hold it tight. No sound of tiny feet running to our bed because he/she is scared. No sound will I hear of its daddy telling her/him that everything will be ok and that daddy will protect her/him from everything. No sound of laughing as my child hears bedtime stories, wanting to hear it again and again. How I long to hear so many sounds. Who knew that the absence of sounds could be so scary to the soul. To hear the words "your pregnant!" How I cannot imagine the joy that would bring. To see my baby on the screen in the dr.'s office and to hear the heartbeat for the first time. To know that there is a life growing inside of me. A baby that is a part of me and Anthony, will we ever get to share that bond of making a child together? To hear them say "it's a boy or it's a girl" oh how would that feel? To hear my childs first cry as they hand my baby to me for the first time, to hear the first laughter that fills the room with excitement. Will we hear the words mommy and daddy ever said aloud to us? Or will it only be in the back of our minds in a dream? To hear the words I love you. All those things is a million dreams away from me. And the reality is that I am sitting here in an almost dark house praying that I will be able to experience these things before I die. I feel like my heart could stop beating at any time because of pain. How my heart is filled with fear, I am overwhelmed at the thought of us being alone. I look around, there is someone missing from our lives. We are the only ones grieving for this child. No one around me is grieving for my child, the child I may never know. I don't expect them to grieve. For this was not their dream, but mine. There is a vast emptiness inside me swelling up with every breath. There is a tidal wave of grieve drowning out my soul. Will we still be alone when our friends are grandparents? Lord, please complete my life and give me this one request that I have of you. I am scared tonight Lord and scarred from the battle and I need your comfort.