Tuesday, January 6, 2009
when will it happen for me?
Tonight I felt overwhelmed by all the things that are going on in my life and I find myself worrying about things that are out my hands. Why is my heart aching so bad for a child? I want to know what it's like to have a mothers love in my heart. How can I grieve for someone that I have never knew? Will these tears continue to fall down like rain? The people around us are supportive yet they don't fully understand what we are going through. People are going on with their lives happily living as parents and here we are trying our best survive what we are going through. Without him I cannot make it, he is my best friend. At the end of the week I will be taking a pregnancy test and I wish with everything in me that it would be positive. And if it's not I just dread the feelings that I get when I see a pregnancy test that is negative. How many negatives will I have to take before I get a positive? I was standing in church in the other day and I looked around and there stood my best friend smiling at me, she was standing there and all I could see was her beautifully pregnant belly. I smiled at her because I love her with all my heart, then I had to turn my head and the tears begin to fall. I pray for her and her baby, I love them both, but I just sad sometimes wondering when it will be me. Will there be a day in my life when I will know the joy of holding my baby for the first time? Will I be able to see my husband hold our child for the first time and see the tears that I know will stream down his face? Lord, please help us through this trial. Give us strength if it is not your will to give us a child. Hold me during this storm Lord and don't let me go. Let me rest in your peace till this is over. Comfort me as you have many times before. Lead and guide me in you ways, let me trust in you. Having faith, walkiung by faith, not by sight. I know you have been there in the midnight hour and I know that with you help i can do all things.