Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Stages of Grief
I was reading a book about the stages of grief in a fertility book. Before I began to read the section I thought, “I am not going through stages of grief!” However as I began to read the emotions were quite familiar to me. As I read I saw that the first stage was denial. And yes, in past years I was in denial about me being infertile. And even now, after the Clomid did not work and I did not ovulate, I thought “Maybe there is a chance that I could be pregnant, maybe the OPK was wrong, maybe I did ovulate.” Denial is still here quite a bit. The next step was anger. Was I angry? Have I been angry? Yes I have, I know this step very well. No need for an introduction we have known each other for quite a few years. I have been angry over the powerlessness that I have felt. Angry at all those around me who seemed not to understand. And angry at anyone who could get pregnant when they wanted to. Bargaining was next. I have bargained with the Lord in my mind. Thinking that if I went to church as I was supposed to, read the word as much as I could that he would then hear my prayer. Somewhere inside I thought that if I done this I could deserve a child. But I thank the Lord that He showed me that a child was not something that we could deserve or was not something that He owed to me. When or if I am blessed with a child it is a “gift” from the Lord. The next stage in grief was depression. An old “friend” of mine, we already familiar with each other. It is easy for me to fall into depression if I am not careful. If I am in physical pain with my muscles for a few days and have to stay in bed a lot I will get depressed. I guess with to much time to think I think of how badly I want a child and how badly that I feel and I can become depressed. I think that the anger that we sometimes feel is what brings on the depression. Feeling that so many of my body parts(inside and out) are defective weighs on my mind a lot. The next stage was mourning. I think that the stage mourning is when we cry and show emotion for the deep loss that we have suffered. I guess many people would view this as crazy. That someone who has not physically lost someone is mourning. But I have mourned for the loss of a child I may never know, for the loss of all the dreams that I have had since I was a little girl. There is deep sorrow in infertility. And only those that have experienced it can know how it feels and to what depth that the pain really goes. And the final stage is acceptance, which I have really not experienced yet. I have yet to come to the conclusion that I will never have kids. That hope is still there, weather I have a child or adopt. I know that this is not a very uplifting subject but reading through the stages of grief made me feel that I wasen’t going crazy and that people have to go through these things in order to deal with what has happened. Just as losing a loved one, we that suffer infertility have a great loss to grieve over as well.