Monday, January 12, 2009

Damaged but Not Broken

The feelings that I have had along this winding road is many. I have felt helpless. I can do nothing to make my body be able to have a child. I myself cannot change the situation that we are in. I have felt like I was less of a woman because I have not been able to get pregnant. My pride has been hurt by this. I always felt I could do anything that I set my mind to yet I cannot do this. I feel like less of a wife to my husband, though he assures me that his love is unconditional, and I believe him. Sometimes the questions come “Why Us?” Why are we having to go through this while we watch friends have one right after another? And why does it have to hurt this bad? This battle seems to rage continually in my mind. I did not get to take the Clomid this month due to my change in dr.’s I don’t go to the RE until the 19th and I feel like it has been an eternity. The waiting is killing me. There is a lot of pain and a lot of questions that I have in my mind. Even though life has been hard through this trial I know that the Lord is in control and watching over us. Uncertainty is the biggest fear I have. Not knowing how long it will take to conceive a child or if ever we will. People say forget about it and you will get pregnant. I just can’t stop wanting a baby. I think that there are some sicknesses that only the almighty Physician can heal. Some things that doctors can’t do no matter how hard they try.

I am trying to be more like myself again. I know that the stresses of infertility has changed me. The only time I feel like my old self is when I am with my husband and he always make me laugh and forget what is going on. His humor of how I have made it through. Keeping our marriage strong is more important than being consumed in this quest for a child. With a husband as wonderful and loving as mine it makes me want children even more so that I can see this love in him as he becomes a father. He has never complained about wanting anything to change or made me feel like he would prefer someone eles instead of me and for that I am grateful. We are in this together and that is where I find comfort. We have been down a difficult road together, we have both suffered the feelings of loss, and we have a bond and a love that will last a lifetime. This is absolutley the greatest burden that I have ever had to bear. But I will not give up Hope. I will believe in the impossible. I want to hold on to my faith in the Lord. I want to have a positive attitude with others. I want to be inspired by the word of God and be an unstoppable worker for the Lord. My heart and my dreams may be damaged for now but they are not broken so I will keep going on. I read a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson that said “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”

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