Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A Molding of Character

I read somewhere that those that go through major trials in their lives have better character than those that don’t. I don’t exactly know if I believe that. However,I do believe that going through these things can be a major molding in your character. We could use this trial for the good. We could have a definite growth in our faith and character. Growing spiritually in the Lord is a great thing. Coming to a place where we can put our faith and trust in him, knowing that He is the most important part in our life is a priceless treasure. Knowing that the Lord has a reason behind this. God has a plan for our lives. We may not know all the reasons that we are on this long and painful journey but we serve the one that does. There are times when we feel alone but the Lord suffered more than our minds can imagine. He suffered for us, and he is there for us when we need him. We are not alone, we are never alone. Going through these difficulties are sometimes a way for us to grow closer to the Lord and get to know Him and His ways better. It is up to us how we let the circumstances mold us. If we knew the future and knew what the Lord knew we would know all the “whys” that are in our minds. God may be using us and our circumstances to help others who are hurting. He knew that we were strong enough to endure this, and we know that the Lord would not put on us more than we were able to bear. We can help others, we can talk to them about what the Lord has done for us. How He comforts us in our hardest of times. I just think that there are so many ways that we could use this problem of ours to help others. There are many people going through this that don’t even know the Lord and don’t turn to him when they are in need. In my personal opinion I have no idea how they can live their lives and go through this without knowing the Lord personally. My prayer is that if I could just help one person to come to the Lord and choose him as their savior than this battle I am fighting would be worth it. We need to strive to be christians first and mothers second. I want a child more than most people could imagine, but above that I long to serve the Lord for the rest of my life.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Lessons Learned

I have cried to the Lord “please help me Lord, I can’t make it through this” I have felt so much isolation during my suffering. Mostly because I left my infertility a secret for a few years. I have heard people say “You need to have the patience of Job.” I know this is true however after the pain went on and on with Job he eventually cried out to the Lord wondering why this was happening to him. And he was a man of great faith in God. He was an innocent and righteous man that suffered a great loss. People that have struggled with circumstances are all in the Bible. They have poured out their hearts to the Lord in frustration and in heartbreak. At times I have felt guilty because I felt this way, I felt I didn’t have the faith that I should. It is not wrong to feel this way, however we don’t need to stay in this state of mind. Admitting I am powerless is a very hard thing to do. We have to give it all to the Lord. We are in a battle for control. But it is beyond our control. Surrendering to the Lord and giving Him the battle is sometimes hard after we have held onto this problem for so long by ourselves. Admitting that I don’t have all the answers. I have spent a lot of time praying, crying, begging, trying to find a resolution to our problem. But I have no answers. I have come to a place where I know that no matter what happens, no matter how much suffering I have to go through on this journey, I will still love the Lord. He could answer my prayer with just one word. He has the power to allow conception or prevent it from happening. However at the moment He is choosing not to give me a child. I know not the reason. Do in my flesh I think it fair, no. But my spiritual man knows that the Lord is in control. Who am I to question the Lord, really? God knows our needs and he cares about us. He is not punishing us for something we have done. Because when the Lord saves our soul, our sins are to never be remembered anymore. I have felt like I was being punished for something, that if I figured out what it was the Lord would give me a child. This way of thinking is wrong. Besides all of our own thoughts we have an enemy, the devil who will put thoughts in our minds. He will try to make us doubt the Lord because the devil is seeking to devour us, to get our soul that belongs to the Lord. He will put thoughts in our minds against our brothers and sisters in the Lord. Because he is as the Bible says “the accuser of the brethren.” He will cause us to question our relationship with the Lord. That’s why we need to seek the Lord and know the devises of Satan. If I had not gone through this I would have not learned the lessons that the Lord had in store for me to learn. He has humbled me and I am learning more everyday. He has brought me opportunities to speak to others about what I have gone through, I have made friends that I probably would have never met if it weren’t for this. We can use this as an opportunity to witness about what the Lord has done for us no matter the outcome that we have. The Lord is faithful and His mercy endureth forever. You are not alone through this, the Lord is carrying you through. Make today count, yesterday is gone, and we may never see tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Stages of Grief

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I was reading a book about the stages of grief in a fertility book. Before I began to read the section I thought, “I am not going through stages of grief!” However as I began to read the emotions were quite familiar to me. As I read I saw that the first stage was denial. And yes, in past years I was in denial about me being infertile. And even now, after the Clomid did not work and I did not ovulate, I thought “Maybe there is a chance that I could be pregnant, maybe the OPK was wrong, maybe I did ovulate.” Denial is still here quite a bit. The next step was anger. Was I angry? Have I been angry? Yes I have, I know this step very well. No need for an introduction we have known each other for quite a few years. I have been angry over the powerlessness that I have felt. Angry at all those around me who seemed not to understand. And angry at anyone who could get pregnant when they wanted to. Bargaining was next. I have bargained with the Lord in my mind. Thinking that if I went to church as I was supposed to, read the word as much as I could that he would then hear my prayer. Somewhere inside I thought that if I done this I could deserve a child. But I thank the Lord that He showed me that a child was not something that we could deserve or was not something that He owed to me. When or if I am blessed with a child it is a “gift” from the Lord. The next stage in grief was depression. An old “friend” of mine, we already familiar with each other. It is easy for me to fall into depression if I am not careful. If I am in physical pain with my muscles for a few days and have to stay in bed a lot I will get depressed. I guess with to much time to think I think of how badly I want a child and how badly that I feel and I can become depressed. I think that the anger that we sometimes feel is what brings on the depression. Feeling that so many of my body parts(inside and out) are defective weighs on my mind a lot. The next stage was mourning. I think that the stage mourning is when we cry and show emotion for the deep loss that we have suffered. I guess many people would view this as crazy. That someone who has not physically lost someone is mourning. But I have mourned for the loss of a child I may never know, for the loss of all the dreams that I have had since I was a little girl. There is deep sorrow in infertility. And only those that have experienced it can know how it feels and to what depth that the pain really goes. And the final stage is acceptance, which I have really not experienced yet. I have yet to come to the conclusion that I will never have kids. That hope is still there, weather I have a child or adopt. I know that this is not a very uplifting subject but reading through the stages of grief made me feel that I wasen’t going crazy and that people have to go through these things in order to deal with what has happened. Just as losing a loved one, we that suffer infertility have a great loss to grieve over as well.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Damaged but Not Broken

The feelings that I have had along this winding road is many. I have felt helpless. I can do nothing to make my body be able to have a child. I myself cannot change the situation that we are in. I have felt like I was less of a woman because I have not been able to get pregnant. My pride has been hurt by this. I always felt I could do anything that I set my mind to yet I cannot do this. I feel like less of a wife to my husband, though he assures me that his love is unconditional, and I believe him. Sometimes the questions come “Why Us?” Why are we having to go through this while we watch friends have one right after another? And why does it have to hurt this bad? This battle seems to rage continually in my mind. I did not get to take the Clomid this month due to my change in dr.’s I don’t go to the RE until the 19th and I feel like it has been an eternity. The waiting is killing me. There is a lot of pain and a lot of questions that I have in my mind. Even though life has been hard through this trial I know that the Lord is in control and watching over us. Uncertainty is the biggest fear I have. Not knowing how long it will take to conceive a child or if ever we will. People say forget about it and you will get pregnant. I just can’t stop wanting a baby. I think that there are some sicknesses that only the almighty Physician can heal. Some things that doctors can’t do no matter how hard they try.


I am trying to be more like myself again. I know that the stresses of infertility has changed me. The only time I feel like my old self is when I am with my husband and he always make me laugh and forget what is going on. His humor of how I have made it through. Keeping our marriage strong is more important than being consumed in this quest for a child. With a husband as wonderful and loving as mine it makes me want children even more so that I can see this love in him as he becomes a father. He has never complained about wanting anything to change or made me feel like he would prefer someone eles instead of me and for that I am grateful. We are in this together and that is where I find comfort. We have been down a difficult road together, we have both suffered the feelings of loss, and we have a bond and a love that will last a lifetime. This is absolutley the greatest burden that I have ever had to bear. But I will not give up Hope. I will believe in the impossible. I want to hold on to my faith in the Lord. I want to have a positive attitude with others. I want to be inspired by the word of God and be an unstoppable worker for the Lord. My heart and my dreams may be damaged for now but they are not broken so I will keep going on. I read a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson that said “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”

Saturday, January 10, 2009

the day the LORD saved my soul

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The Lord saved my soul in Feburary 2004. I was at work that day (I was a nursing assistant at a hospital) and the nurse that was on duty, whom I had grown to love very much, she began talking to me about the Lord. (My grandparents had always taken me to church but I had not been in a long time. I was lost and I had never accepted the Lord into my life and repented of my sins.) And as she talked to me and told me how the Lord had changed her life I began to think about my own life. And she talked about the Lord and how much better her life was with Him in it. I had never been saved. Her words stayed with me all day long. And that night as I drove home I just out it put of my mind, and when I got a couple miles from the house the Lord began to deal with my heart. I felt a burden on me so heavy that I knew I had to pray to him, really pray to him for the first time in my life. When I pulled into the driveway. I left all of my stuff in the car, I got out of the car and fell to my knees. I prayed for a long time out there and I asked the Lord to forgive me of all the wrong I had done, and to save my soul. And I felt that burden lift off of me, like never before, I felt so free. I know most people get saved in churches but the Lord dealt with me and saved me right there. I prayed still as I walked into the house. I searched for a Bible and I found one. I said "Lord, I am unlearned and please show me that I am truley saved." I closed my eyes, opened my Bible to whatever the Lord wanted me to read, I had never read my Bible before this time. I opened my eyes and my eyes fell onto the scripture that the Lord had for me, For everyone that calls upon the name of the Lord, they shall be saved. I felt the Lord at that moment and I knew my life was changed forever. I ran out to my mothers house and woke them up telling them that I had been saved, then I called everyone that I was close to and told them I was so happy. The Lord saved me from going down an bad road. From following those around me. I could have went down that same road that they did but the Lord saved me, and I am thankful. I then prayed that the Lord would lead me to a church where he would have me to go, a place that would feed me with knowledge and understanding. A place where people loved one another. And that is what I found. A great church with people that I love dearly. Then I was baptized in the creek in front of the church and what a wonderful day that was! I praise the Lord for dying for my sins so that I could be saved.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Friendships and Life

Life seems to be so rushed and everyone is always in a hurry. Do people ever take time out of their busy lives to be a friend to others. To have friends that we can count on and be there for us we first have to be a friend to them and show them that we care about what they are going through. Sometimes we have to be a listening ear to our friends instead of talking. To be a witness to this lost world? I think that sometimes we need to just slow down and listen to the Lord. Ask Him for guidance and in what direction He would have us to go. We get so busy with appointments and doctors that we don’t take the time to call upon the Lord and ask Him which way we should go. Seek the Lord and try to see what plans He has for you. Listen to what He is really telling your heart, let the Holy Ghost direct your path. Then stand firm and follow what He has instructed you to do. Lord I want you to take control, I give you my whole heart. You are always with me and have never left my side and for that I want to thank you. your strength will help me to stand strong in the face of the enemy and the doubts that come into my mind. You have made it possible for to me to do anything that I want and the ability to achieve my dreams.

Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort then which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. 2 Corinthians 1:4

I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way that thou should go; I will guide thee with mine eye Psalm 32:8

Lead me in thy truth, and teach me; for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day. Psalm 25:5

Trust in the Lord with all thine hear; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope is in the Lord Jeremiah17:7

Faithfully Waiting

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Though the storms may come and shake my faith, though the lightning may crash and unsettle my soul, though the enemy comes to fight a battle agianest me, I will still love you Lord. Through the day and night you have been my anchor on the raging sea, in my midnight cries in the darkness you have been my light and my peace, In the raging of others againest me you have been my comfort and shield. You are all things to me. I could not take a breathe without your mercy, I could not open my eyes without your grace. I could not take a step without your charity. I could not speak a word without your wisdom. I could not hear a word but by your voice. What a joy you have put in my soul, what wonderous thoughts you have put in my mind. For the inspiration you have put in my ears from others, and the prayers that come forth from my lips. The desires of my heart are known unto you. Your promises keep me still through the night. How I love you Lord, how I love your ways.
Faithfully waiting upon you Lord.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Jan. 6th 2009

In spite of the things that I am facing I can still see how good the Lord has been to me and all the prayers that He has answered for me. It helps me to be able to share my experiences and struggles with you all. And for you to have the courage to all have shared your stories with me. You all have given me much insight on many things. There have been times in my life that I felt like I was hanging on by a thread to happiness and if it broke I would fall into despair forever. I have felt so invisible to other people so many times in my life. Like when everyone is talking the “parent talk” or “birth stories” I feel like I am invisible. I can’t say a word, yet I don’t want to just leave, I am afraid they will see my broken heart that way. My feet are frozen and I can’t move. Do they see the pain in my eyes, can they hear the breaking of my heart? It sounds loud to my ears yet they don’t hear it. Or they just choose not to. Certain people discourage me when I am around them about having a child. I put on a smile and try to please them but sometimes I feel like screaming at them. They give me such discouraging advise. They tell me just to give up and forget about, that some people just can’t have children. Even though I know that is true I am not ready to give up, I just can’t right now. I know that the Lord is in control and with Him on my side I can't give up HOPE!!!

when will it happen for me?

Tonight I felt overwhelmed by all the things that are going on in my life and I find myself worrying about things that are out my hands. Why is my heart aching so bad for a child? I want to know what it's like to have a mothers love in my heart. How can I grieve for someone that I have never knew? Will these tears continue to fall down like rain? The people around us are supportive yet they don't fully understand what we are going through. People are going on with their lives happily living as parents and here we are trying our best survive what we are going through. Without him I cannot make it, he is my best friend. At the end of the week I will be taking a pregnancy test and I wish with everything in me that it would be positive. And if it's not I just dread the feelings that I get when I see a pregnancy test that is negative. How many negatives will I have to take before I get a positive? I was standing in church in the other day and I looked around and there stood my best friend smiling at me, she was standing there and all I could see was her beautifully pregnant belly. I smiled at her because I love her with all my heart, then I had to turn my head and the tears begin to fall. I pray for her and her baby, I love them both, but I just sad sometimes wondering when it will be me. Will there be a day in my life when I will know the joy of holding my baby for the first time? Will I be able to see my husband hold our child for the first time and see the tears that I know will stream down his face? Lord, please help us through this trial. Give us strength if it is not your will to give us a child. Hold me during this storm Lord and don't let me go. Let me rest in your peace till this is over. Comfort me as you have many times before. Lead and guide me in you ways, let me trust in you. Having faith, walkiung by faith, not by sight. I know you have been there in the midnight hour and I know that with you help i can do all things.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Counting My Blessings

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Battling through this journey of faith has not been easy. At times I have felt like I could not make it another step. I have been blessed with friends that cannot be replaced and many friends in my infertility groups online that have been such a blessing to me. Thank you for sharing your struggles and heartaches with me. many of you have been such examples of faith to me in the midst of this storm. And the friends that are with me each day (one in particular) thank you for encouraging me and giving me hope and dealing with my many, many emotions. My husband has been my best friend through all of this and when I think about our wedding vows, he really meant them when he said "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health." He has stood by me through our journey to have a child and when I get upset about us not having children he always assures me that if we never have a child we will always have each other. And I know that it is not just words, that it is the truth. He has stood by me through my sickness of having Fibromyalgia. And on my bad days when I don't feel like even getting off the couch he takes care of me. I could not make it without him. I worry about him constantly, he works in the coal mines and I am always worried something will happen to him. He is all I have and I love him. I am thankful for my church, they all are my family, my sisters and brothers in the Lord. I could not make it a day without them. I am thankful for my family, for my daddy who we almost lost last year. I thank the Lord for sparing his life and I am praying the Lord will save his soul and change his life completly as I know that he can.Most of all I am thankful to have the Lord in my life and all that He does daily for me.

" I will praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands, you are who you are, no matter where I am , and every tear I cry you hold in your hand, you never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm."
Praise you in the storm by Casting Crowns (a great song)

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Today

Infertility 2 Pictures, Images and Photos

I thought today about my situation. I think that I will try my best to make the best of what I am going through (with the help of the Lord). Use this to my advantage to be a help to someone. I am not happy that I am going through this but something positive can be done with it. The Lord said having food and rainment let us therewith be content. So if we are provided with food and clothing we are supposed to be happy. And for most of us we have been blessed with a lot more than that. I want to be in a place where the Lord can use me anyway He wants to at anytime. Our circumstances may not change right now but we can change our outlook on life with the help of the Lord. We can ask the Lord to change our perspective of the situation and He will. Anything is possible. Having a personal relationship with the Lord will make you stronger. Not just going to church once a week , but seeking the Lord and calling upon Him when we are by ourselves. Reading His word and knowing Him better. With all the adversity in our lives it takes the Lord to have strength to overcome it. The Lord has given us all something to do in our lives. We aren’t just sitting here waiting for a child, waiting for our lives to begin. They have begun and we need to enjoy what we have today. I know there are times when you don’t want to hear a lot of encouraging words because you are grieving as you go through this. I know to how that feels and I have to deal with it each day. But sometimes we have to give the Lord praise for who He is and what He has done in our lives. I want to have a baby more than anything and it is scary not knowing how long I will have to go through this. But while I am waiting I will trust in Him because I love the Lord.

Happy New Year 2009

We had another great service at church tonight. We started church at 8:30 and it lasted till about 10:00 or so. Then we all went back to where the kitchen is and ate. And I must mention that we had some very good food and I ate to much! Anyways we came back in the church and some people sang and before a little before twelve we all found us a place and prayed to the Lord. I felt closer to the Lord than I have in a long time. I have been letting the desire for a child take over my life. I poured my heart out to the Lord tonight. I asked Him to give me a greater desire to pray and seek him. I ask him for a greater zeal to be the house of God each time we have church. I used to never miss church but lately I have been drawing back and I know that the Lord has no pleasure in those that draw back. This new year I want to grow closer, I want the Lord to give me a work to do. I know that there are many spiritual gifts (1 Corinthians ch. 12) and I desire to do more for the Lord. I wanted church to last all night. I have a friend that is longing for a child that I go to church with and if you pray to the Lord would you please pray for her. She has been suffering from infertility for two years now and right now she is having a hard time. I can see that longing and hurt in her eyes as she looks at the children at church. I want so much to take her pain away and if I could I would. But when we do become mothers this struggle will make us value the blessing that the Lord has given us even more. We will have a great appreciation for the miracles in our lives. Every struggle and every pain will be worth it. Every new year I wonder will next year at church will I have a baby with me. And every year I have wondered if I had the strength to make it another year without a child. But I have and I will because the Lord is my strength. Is anything to hard for the Lord? No, nothing is to hard for him. He is a miracle maker and the same God that shut the lions mouth when Daniel was in the lions den. The same God that brought the three Hebrew boys out of the fiery furnace. We are serving one that can part the seas and calm the storms. And in that I find my comfort. He will be closer to us than a brother. Lets not ruin today by worrying about what may happen tomorrow. Let the Lord help us live our life one day at a time, serving and loving him. Lets give Him the battle and stand still and know that he is God!