Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Our Snow



AND MY LITTLE NIECE WAS HELPING COOK..SHE WANTED TO BE A LITTLE CHEF

cooking!



We had a big snow here right before Christmas and we had no electricity for five days! five days! We had a very good time though. We used a kerosene heater and an oil lamp. We all talked so much! We went and stayed all night with my husbands parents two of those nights. We all played Racko and Yahtzee and had a fun time. Then we got out and rode around in the snow. We took my father-in-laws jeep up on the mountain. The next day me and Anthony went fourwheeler riding and those are the pics on here. So before Christmas we went to Maryland to my sister-in-laws and she had gotten even more snow than we did. But my little niece loved it. I will post her pic on here to and show her off!

Friday, December 25, 2009

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I hope you all are having a good Christmas. We are having a good time. We are in Maryland at my sister-in-laws house and having so much fun! We have had so much fun playing with my niece. I thought that Christmas would be hard after recently finding out that I was not pregnant but the Lord blessed my heart with peace. We had a wonderful time and painted ornaments last night. Her and I made Christmas trees with construction paper and I felt so good. There are so many things that I want to do when I have kids of my own but right now I am enjoying doing those things with her. I want to have a baby so bad but I am going to enjoy my life right now the way it is. I know that it is hard sometimes but with the Lords help I will make it through! Please remember and pray for my grandmother. She is sick and is doing worse right now. I know that the Lord is control of all things! God Bless you all and I hope you all had a great CHRISTmas!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Praying for Peace in my Heart

Things have been difficult for me the past week. I am tired of fighting this battle. I am taking a break for a couple months from fertility meds and I am going to try to focus on the Lord. I am wanting to be the person that I was before, a person who is excited about life and out there living and doing things. I have stopped doing everything and its like I keep waiting for my life to begin. Right now I am going to focus on moving and planning on getting our house. I want to look forward to things and have a happy marriage. We are happy and love one another but I want to be content with what I have. I know the longing for a child is not just going to leave me but I am praying that I can see the good in each day instead of the bad. Count my blessings instead of my trials. I would apprecite your prayers to help me deal with this. I am praying for peace in my life.God Bless you my friends.
peace quotes Pictures, Images and Photos

Friday, November 20, 2009

It's Gonna Be With It

Help from the Lord

Well here is whats been going on. I had no positive OPK this month, I have been frustrated so bad. I have been drinking alot of cranberry juice to flush out my kidneys (i have to do this regularly to keep from getting kidney infection, I get them really easy) anyways my mother-in-law who is a lab tech said that this may have affected my OPK results. I am praying that is what happened. I go for bloodowork to get my progesterone level checked this morning. I hope I ovulated.

I went to church Wednesday night and I felt so burdened down when I got there. They began singing and when they had sang a few songs I felt the Lord dealing with me to go pray at the alter. So I went and prayed and cried for a long time. My sisters and brothers in the Lord came and gathered around me and prayed with me. I felt my buden getting lighter and lighter. I kept pouring my heart out to him, I was not going to get up from praying until I had completley poured my heart out to him. I began to feel strength in my heart, I began to hear guidance and answers from the Lord in my heart. I prayed that when the preaching came that the Lord would send me a message and to direct my footsteps and give me comfort and strength in my situation. When the brother began to preach I knew the Lord had answered my prayer and He had sent me the message I needed to hear. The message was that in the world you would have tribulation but in the Lord you would have peace, and not to worry because the Lord had overcome the world. And he preached about how we pray for something and it may seem impossible in mans eyes but that it is not impossible with the Lord. How that our faith is precious and how it becomes pure when it is tried in the fire...these trials we have to go through increases our faith. And he read the verse also about how we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed.

I cannot begin to explain the burden that the Lord lifted of of me..I was so depressed and had worried so much I had myself sick at my stomach and could not even eat or drink anything without feeling sick. But He brought me out of that. I am still frustrated at times and I am anxious to get my bloodwork back but the Lord is helping me get through this and I don't know when but I still believe that I will get my miracle.
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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

holding on...

Well it has been a while since I have posted. I am still on the prometrium and clomid with no luck yet. I have had a very rough week. The devil has been fighting my mind so much and I have been once again falling into feelings of depression which is something that I try hard to stay away from. I want to feel like myself again, I want to feel happy again. I was so excited and believing that this was going to happen with all of my heart and now it is like I took a complete turn and feel it is not going to happen. Today all I could do was cry out to the Lord to just help me. I can't wait to get to church tonight. I know that the Lord will send me the help that I need to get through this valley. I know as we serve the Lord we have many valleys that we have to go through and I know that the Lord will help us through them all. Please pray for me.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Kari Jobe..You are For Me

HOPING (:

Well I got my progesterone back and it was 0.7 so I did not ovualte. The doctor called me in 150mgs of the clomid now and I have to take prometrium. I also have my other prescription for 100mgs. Do you all think it would be wise to to take them both and take the full 250mgs? Just a thought because they said they would eventually put me on the 250 if I don't ovulate with the other mgs. I don't know just wondering? I start back on the prometrium tomorrow so I am starting all over again. but I am blessed to have the opportunity to take it. I am optimistic and I am believing that this IS GOING TO HAPPEN!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Trouble won't last always


I don't who this is but she has an amazing voice and I love the lyrics to this song they are so true.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

still no positive OPK..

I have had all the signs of ovulation and no positive OPK. I am not sure why? I keep waiting for it but nothing..I guess I am just being very impatient, I need to learn to be more patient and spend my time thinking upon the Lord and not what is going on around me. Today I feel exhausted and I am going to bed soon. Please all of you pray for me that the Lords will be done in my life.

Ovulation Crazy LOL

I am on cycle day 11 and forgive me I am a little bit obsessive now about when and if I am going to ovulate and tonight I had a little pain in my side I am praying this is a sign of me going to ovulate and not another UTI. Well after I came home from church tonight I went to the bathroom and had spotted. At first I felt like my heart was going to be ripped out and that all of my hopes were shattered, Then I decided to look it up online and see if anyone ever experienced this before ovulating. So I am a bit confused right now. Is this a good sign or a bad sign? Right now I have no idea, I am searching everything to see. All I know is that ovulation is all I am thinking about. I know other people have went through this but I feel like I am the only one in the world right now dealing with this. Normal people get pregnant and everyone is surprised….my friends are going to know when I ovulate because I will be so happy that I will tell them…. Ok I read online that it is normal to spot right before ovulation and that it is a good sign of fertility. I hope they are right, do any of you know?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

My Heart

Is this reality or a dream maybe?
Can I really not have a baby?
I awoke to hear the crying
So very hard I am trying.
But the crying came from my own eyes
When I realized I could sing no sweet lullabies.
My feet walk upon barren ground
I wonder if I make a sound
Do they really know how I feel?
Though my lips stay so still
The days go by, the months, the years
When will you dry all my tears
They are ever flowing from my eyes
If they could see my heart they’d be surprised.
How long I have waited seems like eternity
I keep crying out why can’t it be me.
This lonesome journey I have to face
But I have to keep running this race
I my feet are tired, my heart is weary
I’ve been in the cold, how it is dreary
I ask this question, does anyone care
My heart is reminded He’s always been there
I wonder if childlessness is my fate
I wonder how long I’ll have to wait
In the cold and lonely night
I close my eyes and what a sight
I see me there holding you
Will this dream really come true
But with the mornings light my dreams all flee
My heart is broken, can’t you see
Upon my knees in deep despair
Once again, reminded, He’s always there
He says to ask and just believe
And it will be mine to receive
My heart is listening to the Lord
And on that day what galore
When I look into my babies eyes
I know that surely I will cry
I’ll thank the Lord for the miracle given to me
And what a great day that will be.
By Samantha
icon - heart Pictures, Images and Photosicon Pictures, Images and PhotosBaby (Heart) Icon Pictures, Images and Photos

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

He is the answer

I can make it through this, I am able to fight this fight. The Bible says that the Lord will go before us and fight our battles. That is a comfort to know that He can and will take care of us no matter what the outcome is in our situation. My desire is to grow closer to the Lord. To be one who hungers and thirsts after rightousness, one who has the fruits of the spirit abiding in my life. To be one who seeks the Lord daily and to live a pure and a clean life before him. The Lord holds our lives in his hands, he loves us. I know that in these situations in life we don’t understand why things happen, I have often wondered that and I still do. But deep in my heart I know that I serve one who hold my tomorrows in his hands and I know He will take care of me. I could not go through this battle without the Lord he has been my comfort from the storm, my place of refuge, my anchor. When the storms are raging he holds me still in the palm of his hand. If we trust in him we will not perish in the battle. If we could only see what He can sees we would know there is a reason for this battle. We all face different trials and tribulations in our lives but no matter what the problem HE IS THE ANSWER!
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Monday, September 7, 2009

My Appt. at the Fertility Clinic (:

I was so nervous about my appointment to the fertility clinic I thought my heart would actually stop before I got in there. I actually stopped on my way up there and bought a pregnancy test at Walmart and took it in a gas station bathroom. I thought maybe just maybe I am pregnant and won't have to go through with going to the Dr. Well, I wasen't preg. but I did make it to the Dr. It was at the Blugrass Fertility Center in Lexington with Dr. James Akin and I was so nervous. But when his nurse came in she made me feel so comfortable and she calmed me down. They were so very nice. He was just as friendly and kind as she was and I felt comfortable with him. I am so happy that he was nice. I need a Dr. that I can ask questions and talk to. Anyways, he wants me to take Clomid 100 mgs. and a pill called Prometrium that makes me have a period each month. My problem as far as I know is that I am not ovulating on my own. If this dosen't work in three cycles my husband and I have to both go back. He will have to have a sperm count and I will have to have the xray dye test to check my tubes. Of coarse my prayer is that I don't have to go back and that these pills work. I am going to start the prometrium tomorrow. So please please pray for me. I am very excited. And my hubby is worried lol because of the mood swings I had on the 50mgs of clomid just for that one month. I am usually a person always laughing and smiling and during that cycle with clomid I was terrrible. We always get along but during that time we didn't like each other at all, but we still loved each other(: On cycle days 21-23 the Dr. told me to go to the lab and have my progesterone level checked. Does any of you know what the level should be if I did ovulate. I am not very familiar with that and I am wondering. I will keep you updated on whats going on. I am very excited to be getting the chance to go through with this. Although my insurance is not paying a dollar, the only thing they covered were my labs and I am not even sure how much they covered on that. So just in case this dosen't work and I have to go back in three months I have to have money to pay so I have to save every penny that I can. My husband is the only one working right now because of my muscle problems and it is going to be difficult but I know with the help and the guidance of the Lord that we will be ok. I know that no matter the outcome of this the Lord will hold me in the palm of his hand. I have felt his peace at times when my world was crashing in, and felt his presence when I was rejoicing. He is amazing and no matter what happens I want to be a christian FIRST in my life and let everything eles come next. TTC w/ Clomid Pictures, Images and Photos

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Please Pray...

After seven years of ttc I am now going to the fertility clinic. I have prayed and prayed for years about going and weather it was the time for me to go and right now I feel like it is the right time. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I can't help but get my hopes up but I am scared it may end in dissapoinment. But this is a chance that I am going to have to take. I am going to take the Clomid for now and if it dosen't work then I will go on and decide what to do from there. The IUI's at the clinic is 500 a cycle, a lot of money for me. But I will just wait and cross that bridge when I get there. I tried the Clomid 50 mgs for one month from my Gyn. and it gave me terrible hot flashes and very moody. But I did not ovulate with the 50 mgs. so I guess they will increase the dosage. I have been waiting and waiting for this opportunity to go and now it is finally here and I am happy about it. I just want you to pray that I wil be able to follow the Lords will for my life no matter what that is, but I do want you to pray that I could have a child. I have longed for this for so long. I am at the point of feeling desperation and if this fails I know I will be heartbroken. But I know the Lord is in control of my life and that weather I am a mother or not, I am still a christian saved by the grace of God and that is all that matters in this life. I would love to hear about you that have tried the clomid or even the IUI if you don't want to post it on here about your experience email me at manthamae07@gmail.com I am not sure what to expect and I am nervous and scred I have never been to a Dr. for this besides my Gyn. which I have been seeing forever. I hope to hear from some of you.

Friday, August 7, 2009

The Master of the Wind




I love the words to this song, I know that I am serving the master of the winds, one who is in control of ALL things. I am loving the Lord and resting in the peace that he gives us.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Appreciate those People

i love my family! Pictures, Images and Photos
People take so much for granted..I look at people and I think.do they not realize what they have in their lives? Do they not realize the Lord has blessed them with children and they do not even seem happy about it. Me pointing my finger at them saying they don’t know what they got does not make me less guilty. There are so many things in my life that I take for granted. I have a loving husband, a mother, father, sister, three of my grandparents, so many family members in my husbands family, and so many friends that I cannot count them. And I am sitting here focusing on what I don’t have in my life. So many people could look at me, while I am feeling sorry for myself and say that I am taking my life and the people in it for granted and I am. So many people would love for their granparents and parents to be living. And I love them all and see them all the time. But what I am “trying to say” is that we all have many things in our lives to be thankful for. There are people in all of our lives that we take for granted. I want to start appreciating what I have in my life rather than focusing on what I don’t have.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Having Faith

I admit there are many times that I ask myself WHY. Why do I have to endure my family being in the shape that they are in? Why is it that my body is in constant pain? Why is it that I can’t have the family that I have always dreamed of? WHY? But it is not up to me to know why. I do not have any of the answers to any of these questions, I may never know. But that is where my faith is. That is the hope that lies within me. Hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not. Then do we with patience wait for it and we know that Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Walking by faith and not by sight is hard sometimes but I know that I must rely on the Lord to get me through these battles that I have to face. I know that I must rely on His Word to get me through. I want to be a mother so bad that sometimes it takes my happiness away. When I should be focusing on the good on my life and all the blessings, I focus on the bad and what is going wrong. I want to be a strong person that is a witness for the Lord. I feel sorry for myself way to much. But I know in my heart that the Lord is on control and I can’t do anything without the Lord on my side. It breaks my heart to see others who are going through this battle of infertility, I wish that I could take away all their pain. Right now I have several close friends who are going through this, and if I could take the pain away from them I would. It just breaks my heart to know what they are going through.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

what a day....

I went shopping today after my Dr’s appointment. The malls are filled with babies, mothers, fathers, grandparents. Everywhere you look families are laughing, shopping, playing with one another. All the toy stores, all the baby clothes. I want to run and hide, I am tired of feeling alone. Just can’t seem to find my place in this world. Everyway I try to go I get a door slammed in my face. My faith is shaken, I can’t believe the shape that I am in. The heartache that feels it is overtaking my life. I just want a life to call my own, a life I am proud of. Can I trade in this life for another? I guess I can get no refund or trade in this scared infertile girl for a fertile happy woman. I want it to be me so bad instead of everyone eles. I need help.

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronis fatigue syndrome but now I am seeing a new Dr. and I have to have a bunch of new tests done so please pray for me. I have to have my bloodowrk done next week and then a nerve conduction tests (that scares me) I am hoping they can find something that they can treat and that I will start feeling better.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

How long will the storm last or will it go on forever?



I don't know how much more I can stand, I am the person that always has a smile on my face, the one who is always telling a joke, the one who looks on the bright side of things. I can't do it anymore. I feel like I am loosing my will to fight this, what can I do? I don't feel that I can survive the days anymore. Why awake in the morning just to be broken hearted again? I want to scream and cry, I feel like I am begging for happiness that will never come true. I want the lives of those around me, I want to be a mother. I love my husband, he is my safe place to run. But the guilt of nt be having to have him a child is tearing my heart into. Will I never be able to tell him I am pregnant? Will this torment in my mind go on forever? I feel like I should let go of this dream but I am holding on, holding on for dear life to it. I feel like my life will fall apart if I have to let go of this dream. I always thought it was only natural to want a child but my feelings don't feel natural. I feel the depression and the darkness trying to drown my heart out. I feel guilty because I think I should be happy and trust the Lord. I love the Lord and I know that he is able, but my heart is afraid. I am falling into a place that I have never been before. Why is this the only thing that I can think of? Lord, please help me with this, I am broken hearted, I am confused, I am helpless and I need you to rescue me. The rain feels like it won't quit falling in my life and I can't tell those around me. I feel like I have to pretend to be the happy one and it is tearing me apart. I am dying inside, I am screaming and no one hears me. No love and happiness seems it will be in my life, only sadness, heartbreak, and my broken dreams shattered at my feet.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Keep Hoping and Praying

quote Pictures, Images and Photos


Well I haven't posted on here in a little while. My friend that was pregnant after five years of infertility had her baby, a beautiful healthy baby girl. She is beautiful and amazing, such a great miracle. After two misscarriages she has her miracle baby that we have been praying for. She is already an amazing mother. My friend that has been struggling for years got news that she may be able to adopt a boy, there have been a few complications with it, so please remember them in your prayers. I would love to see the Lord move in this situation and give her this baby if it is His will. I know that she will make a great mother. She lost her baby six years ago and this baby and hers have the same birthday. So she is really believing that it is the Lords will for her to have this child. I know that the adoption process is hard and and sometimes people get hurt and heartbroken durung it and I am just worried about her getting hurt. And I just read on Alesha's blog " on the outside looking in" that she is pregnant. I am so happy for all these people and how the Lord is moving in their lives. I know that the Lord is in control and that we just have to be patient and sometimes just stand still. Mothers Day was sad for me but the Lord did comfort me and we had a great church service. I have just been very emotional the past few days, it seems like I can't quite crying and crying. I took a pregnancy test the other day and it was a big negative. I had made myself believe that I was pregnant, I had the stomach virus and I had convinced myself that I was pregnant. It was just very hard on me this time to see the negative sign. I wanted to run away but what would I have run away from? Please keep me in your prayers, it seems like I was doing so good with it and then I hit another valley.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

a beautiful day (: (:

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I WAS BORED SO I TOOK PICS DOWN BY THE CREEK BEHIND OUR HOUSE TODAY, ME AND MY DOG SPENT THE DAY TOGETHER LOL!
Today was such a beautiful day, the sun was shining and it was just gorgeous. Living here in the mountains in Kentucky is beautiful this time of year. Everything is blooming and it is so quiet. So I walked outside and I took pictures. Ok, I do have a point here, I wanted so bad to have a child with me today of my own. I wanted to play in the yard with them, let them swing. When the weathers warm I want to be able to take my kids to the creek behind the house and let them play in the water. I am not asking for the material things in this life. I just want a child. I want to come in the house after a long day outside of playing with my child, bath, have dinner, and enjoy the simple things like tucking my baby in the bed at night. As I sat and watched Anthony cutting the grass this morning I thought of all the people who have simple days like this with their children and take them for granted. Oh what I would give to have that chance today.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

i wonder........

They understand not the depth of my nor the source of it. They think, oh she can't have a baby that is sad. To me it is more than sad. I am experiencing death here. Why don't know why infertility has to hurt so bad. There is an isolation that goes along with this, feeling alone is a bad feeling. I long to talk to and communicate with people who know how I feel. I feel isolated from the "fertile" world. Visiting a new mother and baby rips my heart into.I am constantly sitting here waiting to become a mother. I am crying on the inside constantly, it takes very little to get the tears flowing on the outside. Sometimes I think what is wrong with me??
Anthony and I babysat my best friends new little baby Sunday evening. As we sat there on the couch I told him that was how I wanted to spend my life. It was such a good feeling just sitting there holding the baby and talking to each other. And watching him with a baby makes me want one even more. He is so great with babies and to watch him play with his neice is increadable. Seeing how much he loves her makes me fall in love with him all over again. I just wonder sometimes why such an amazing person like him has to struggle like this. He is dying to be a father and I can’t do anything about it. It breaks my heart, but I know that this has brought us closer, we have such a great bond of love and friendship that I am so thankful for. Soemtimes I just can’t help but wonder why?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Praise You



I love the words of this song. Because no matter the storm that we are facing in our lives we should praise the Lord through it.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Loving Life

Love Life Pictures, Images and Photos

Today went good. We had a very good church service, I think I cried the whole time. I cried and cried and I know the Lord saw every tear. I wanted to lean on him today and know the he is in control. The preaching was good. He preached about having confidence in our salvation and in the Lord. Knowing that the Lord is able to do all things and that we have to give it all to him. Having that hope living in us, that the Lords hears our cries. And that one day we are going to reach our home in heaven. My church is my life. They are my family. We are all so very close and I thank the Lord for them all. They give me the encouragment and the love that I need to keep on going. I was reading my Bible this morning before I left for church in the book of Isaiah and there were so many verses that comforted me and let me know that the Lord is the giver of life and that He made all things. With just a word he could speak and out life into our empty wombs. With just a word he could change our lives forever. With His help I will serve him until my dying day. I know that I have hard days, but I thank the Lord for the good and the bad. On the good days He has put that joy in my heart, and on my bad days He is right there to comfort me.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Still Waiting.....

Today I babysat my cousins little girl. We had such a good day. Days like these I realize that being a mother would be the best thing in the world. Watching cartoons and eating breakfast this morning. Then we got out and done the things that I needed to get done today. We came back and took a nap, then we got up and ate again. I want that life. It may seem simple to someone eles but I would love for my days to be like that. I want to be a mother more than anything, It just felt so much better having a child in the house today. Hearing the laughter, seeing the smiles, it was all so good. I know that I was meant to be a mother, I feel it with everything that is in me. I knoe that I am ready, but I don't understand why I still have to wait. But the Lord knows all things. He sees the whole picture, he sees the things that I cannot see. He knows the things that my small mind can't even comprehend. I can't help but want a baby so bad, this is a desire that just won't leave me. I love the Lord and I am here still waiting....

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Broken Hearted

my broken heart Pictures, Images and Photos

My best friend had her baby, everything went very well for her. I thank the Lord for that,that she had a healthy baby. He is beautiful, I am already in love with him! I changed him last night and he has already pooped and peed on me so we pretty good friends now lol. When I heard him cry I just broke down crying, I held in in all day until that point and then there was no stopping all the tears. And they are still coming. I was very excited but when everything was over and when I walked into my house I realized that she had a miracle in her life and when I walked in here I still I had the silence, the lonliness. Nothing has changed for me. I am still not a mother. My friends let me have a bog part in their childrens lives and let me babysit them whenever I like, they are always so good about making me included in their lives. But I do wish that it was my time, I want to be the one who hears that cry for the first time and knows that it is my baby, to be the one bringing home a baby. Will I get over this? My heart is broken, this helplessness and lonliness that I feel is consuming me. I didn't know that it would be this hard. I have been through this with my friends before and I have never felt this desperate. Why not us? why not me? Why everyone but me? Please Lord, hear my cry tonight, please Lord have mercy on me, I need your strength , I need your help right now. This pain is unbearable.Today I am bearly holding onto my dream that I will become a mother, I know that the Lord will send me strength and that I will be optimistic once again but for today the pain is to real.

I usually don't listen to music like this but I heard this and it seemed like I could feel every word that it said.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Crying Inside

Well I came back from the hospital tonight they are not going to induce her labor until noon tomorrow so I thought I would come home and rest for a little while. I cannot sleep it is 4:00am. I have been up all night. My mind seems like it is racing. My husband came home from work tonight and we just started talking. He ask me how she was doing and I just broke down. It made me feel better though to let it all out. To cry and say that I wish it was me, I wish it was my turn. I am sorry if I sound selfish right now but thats how I feel. I was trying before she got pregnant the first time. Now her little boy is four and so we always talked about when she had another one that we may be pregnant together at the same time. Tomorrow she will give birth and I have yet to experience that. I was so optimistic earlier and now the stress is getting to me. How many more years will it be or will it ever happen. I know that no one has the answer for that but the Lord. I had to get on here and vent a little before I went crazy. Praying to the Lord and writing how I feel really does help me. I feel like no one thats around me understand me.They understand not the depth of my nor the source of it. They think, oh she can't have a baby that is sad. To me it is more than sad. I am experiencing death here. Why don't know why infertility has to hurt so bad. There is an isolation that goes along with this, feeling alone is a bad feeling. I long to talk to and communicate with people who know how I feel. I feel isolated from the "fertile" world. I have been surprised at the way felt towards people who had children in my family.-visiting a new mother and baby rips my heart into.I am constantly sitting here waiting to become a mother. I am crying on the inside constantly, it takes very little to get the tears flowing on the outside. Please remember my friend in your prayers that the Lord will watch over them and keep her and her baby safe. I love them both with all of my heart.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Safe in the Arms of the Lord

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You all pray for me today. My best friend, the one I had the baby shower for has to go into the hospital at 5:00 today. They are going to induce her labor early in the morning. I am going to go and be with her. I am happy and excited for her but you all know the feelings that go along with being around preg. women and babies. Just pray that I can be a help and a friend to her. I want this to be her happy moment, even if I have to hide my hurt. I know that the Lord can work miracles and he can give us peace and joy in our heart when it feels like our world is spinning out of control. One day it will be my day, one day I WILL be experiencing this. For today it hurts but I know that if we suffer with the Lord we will reign with him. I know that the Lord will not put on us more than we can bear and I find comfort in that. Knowing that he is the author and the finisher of our faith. Today I am trusting in him and knowing that when the time comes tomorrow that the Lord will give me the strength that I need to make it. I may cry like a baby but I know that that comfort and that love of God will be abiding in my heart. I am safe in the arms of the Lord.

Monday, March 23, 2009

While I'm Waiting

I LOVE THE WORDS IN THIS SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COMPLETLEY

I am complaining

I know that there is a part missing in my life. I know that there is a part of me that is somewhere eles. I need to find it. Where is it? I don’t know. Where is the child that I have been praying for? The one I have cried for? The one that I have begged for?
Why is my bodying betraying me this way, what is wrong with me?? Why am I being cheated out of this experience that so many others have so easily? Where is my future? What is my future? I have this deep sense of helplessness and I am overwhelmed with the unfairness of it all. I don’t even feel like a woman, I don’t think I will until I become a mother. This is robbing me of my rights to be what I have always dreamed of. Will I ever lead a normal life, or is the my “normal?” This is not a small problem, to me this is a major crisis in my life. These painful feelings have shaken me to the core. This can’t be happening to us. Will I ever wake up from this nightmare that surrounds me each moment.

I would die for that Kellie Coffey

Friday, March 13, 2009

I know the man

I love Jesus Pictures, Images and Photos
I know the man: I know the man who is the giver of life. I know the man who understands who I am, what I am going through. There is never a tear that I have cried that the Lord has not seen. There has never been a prayer of mine that the Lord has not heard. Thank you Jesus, for being there for me in the darkest of my nights, thank you for leading me through the valleys, without letting me fall. Thank you for that safe place in the storm, you are my hope, in you I will put my trust. When the waves of sorrow overwhelm me, I will fall upon my knees and give it to you and know that you will make a way for me. You are my life. When I can’t cope with all my problems at one time you are there to carry the load. These circumstances that I face I cannot change but I know you can and I will follow you wherever you lead me. Let me be a willing vessel to work for you. Thank you precious Master for all you have given me. I love you Lord, you are my rock and my fortress.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

my husband that i love very much

I JUST POSTED THIS PHOTO ON HERE OF MY HUSBAND BECAUSE I ALWAYS LOVED IT, I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT LOOKED SAD THOUGH BECAUSE BESIDE HIM SITTING I COULD PICTURE MY CHILD.
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What??

I have been reading Alicias Blog over at "Consider it All Joy", and about what she heard today about someone saying that a womb can be closed because we are being punished for some sin in our lives. That makes me so mad that there are people out there that think that we that are "infertile' are all being punished for some "unknown sin" in our lives. Us that know the Lord know that we are serving a loving God and when the Lord saved our souls all of our past sins have been forgiven. We are covered by the blood of Jesus. For people to think that we are being punished for a sin that happened even years ago is appalling to me. Obviously they don't know the grace and the mercy of the Lord. Obviuosly they are not wise enough to know that our sins are cast as far as the east is to the west. I don't get angry over much but for someone to presume something like that makes me mad. I mean, do they not think how others will feel when they hear these comments like this? Whoever Alicia heard say this was probably not someone who had ever experienced infertility or they would not have made such a comment. I will hush now. i just had to vent how mad I was over this.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Thankful

Friend Pictures, Images and Photos
Thanks for the prayers, the shower went well. There were a couple tough times during it but the Lord gave me strength and put joy in my heart. I had a hard time Sat night but when I went to church on Sunday the Lord really came by and blessed me. That good Holy Ghost sent from above always gives that comfort and strength that we need. Just like the Lord said when He went away into heaven that He would send that Comforter to us. The Lord is amazing in all that He is able to do. Sometimes when I sit back and think of all the miracles that He performed I am amazed. To know that we serve that same God that parted the Red Sea, that gave sight to the blind, that healed the sick, that raised the dead and one that opened the wombs of many women when it seemed impossible. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is able to perform miracles today!! He is able to lead and direct our paths in ways that we never thought we could go. He can give us courage, he can increase our faith. I know that there are many of you out there facing many different things but the Lord is able to move in situations that seem impossible. Sometimes we get down pray and fast to get closer to the Lord. Today I am resting in that wonderful peace from the Father above, and I am thankful to be a Child of God.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

today will be hard

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Today is my best friends baby shower which I am having for her. I dread it. I love her more than I could ever say but when I go to these baby showers my heart feels like it is being ripped from my chest, has any of you ever felt this way? I want this to be my baby shower, I want to be the one opening the gifts and bringing them home, and soon be expecting the miracle that I have longed for. I guess I am just selfish and jealous. I am venting on here saying the things that I will say to no one. I need help from the Lord today. Please remember me in your prayers that I can be a good friend and put my self and my feelings out of the way so this can be her happy day. I have not been on here writing lately, I have been so depressed and in so much pain. The pain in my muscles has moved into my arms and hands now so I get tired of I type a lot. But I am going to try to get back on here later today and catch up on some of your blogs. My friend Alicia, you know who you are, I am going to have read your blog I haven't had the chance in a while. Keep in your prayers today my friends.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Divine Light Pictures, Images and Photos

Needing to Breathe

I fear the unknown, not knowing what tomorrow brings is an impossible agonizing feeling. You wonder will this month be the month that my life will change forever or will it be just another disappointment. This is a very winding road with many turns. There are so many turns in the road and to many speed bumps along the way. This road can leave you mentally exhausted. I want to say "Go away storms, please go away right now" and have them listen to me but they don't. I have found comfort in knowing that I serve the one that can command the storms and have them cease. There is this realization in the back of my mind that my dreams may never be a reality and that scares me to death. I am weeping for our empty cradle that may never be filled. I have felt alone and in despair. Am I even meant to have a child.. My friends do not understand the reality of my loss.I am so tired, I wish that this desire to have a child would leave me. I am afraid to think that I may have to live my life and know what it feels like to be a mother. For most people having babies seem to come as easily as breathing. And I feel like I can't even take a breath and I need to take a breath.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Pictures on the Fridge

How can going and getting something to drink in the fridge remind me of the fact that I am not a mother? Is it possible that something so simple could be such a huge problem. I walked to the fridge and looked at the pictures on it and I see all ages of children. Children that I love, however, do not belong to me. Things that they have drawn hang there also. I go ahead and open the door and get something out trying to put the thought in the back of my mind. But the thought does not go away. Will there ever come a day when my childrens picture will be covering the outside of the refrigerator? Will there be a time when I can hang their drawings onto it? So many things would be different if there was a child in my life. Little things and big things would be different. Things that normal people would probably never even think about. I would love to have to pick up toys in the living room that were scattered everywhere before I went to bed. I want to hear the sound of cartoons on my TV as I stand in the kitchen watching dishes. I have experienced this as I babysitted and I always wished that it would be my child in the living room. I always loved the sight of the car seat in the back of my car, it belonged to the little girl that I would babysit. Her and I would go places during the days and I loved spending time with her. I would like to have a permanent car seat in my car. One that would stay there at the end of the day, one that belonged to my baby. I know that the subject of car seats may be a boring subject to most but when you have no children there are small things that would really make a difference. When we first began trying I used to love going to the baby section in Walmart and look at all the baby clothes, and all the things that I thought that I would soon be buying. However as the years went by I learned to dislike that section very much. No one realizes that when you do not have a child that everything around you is a reminder of what you don't have in your life. I have walked down the baby isle buying something for a baby shower, crying so hard I had to leave. I want to be able to buy diapers, bottles, formula. People that have children don't seem to realize what a blessing it is to be able to buy these things. I would love to go down the toy isle and have a child. There are so many things Lord that I want to do, why can't I do them? Why me? Why out of everyone around me do I have to be the one that can't me a mother? I am tired of looks of pity from people when I talk about a child, I am tired of being the one at baby showers who feels so out of place, feeling that the tears are going to explode any minute. I am tired of watching everyone eles get their miracles and not me. I am lonely Lord, I know you are there and I know you understand. I am sorry that I question you. I am just having a hard time right now and I feel like I can't even breathe for the pain in my heart.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

TAGGED

Hey, I was Tagged by www.consideritalljoy.blogspot.com by my great friend Alicia!!! I am supposed to list 25 random things about myself then tag two other people. I thought this was fun, maybe we can learn some new facts about one another!
1.) The Lord saved me five years ago this month, and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me!!
2.) I love watching reality tv shows!!
3.) Alicia has become a great friend to me
4.) I am overweight, and I love ice cream, I am now on a diet LOL
5.) Going to church and serving the Lord is the most important thing in my life.
6.) I love to sit on the porch on rainy days.
7.) I want to be a nurse
8.) I love music, especially gospel!!!!
9.) I love getting on myspace and www.childlessnotbychoice.com and Ebay!!
10.) My family desperatly needs to be saved
11.) I have fibromyalgia
12.) my hubby is my best friend in the world, we have been friends since we were in the third grade.
13.) I do not have a job right now
14.) I love to go to Gatlinburg TN
15.) I love talking to older people and listening to stories about when they were young.
16.) I live in the hills of Kentucky (I am a hillbilly)
17.) I love to write
18.) I love to read my Bible and study the word of God
19.) My father was in an accident last year and recieved a brain injury and his right side was paralyzed and the Lord spared his life when they gave us no hope.
20.) I love baby lotion
21.) I want to be a help to others
22.) I love popsicles , cherry ones
23.) I cry easily
24.) I love to talk to my friends
25.) I am a sinner saved by grace!!

The Sound of Nothing

Tonight I am sitting here in my chair, Anthony is asleep on the couch. There is no sound in the house except for the keys on the computer as I am typing this. The sound of nothing is overwhelming. I feel lonesome tonight. Maybe the quietness is to much for me. Sometimes the distractions of the day keep my mind on other things. But when the night comes and all is still I am reminded of the sounds that I don't have in my life. I will go to bed in a little bit. I will not be awakened by the sound of a baby crying in the night needing it's mommy or daddy to hold it tight. No sound of tiny feet running to our bed because he/she is scared. No sound will I hear of its daddy telling her/him that everything will be ok and that daddy will protect her/him from everything. No sound of laughing as my child hears bedtime stories, wanting to hear it again and again. How I long to hear so many sounds. Who knew that the absence of sounds could be so scary to the soul. To hear the words "your pregnant!" How I cannot imagine the joy that would bring. To see my baby on the screen in the dr.'s office and to hear the heartbeat for the first time. To know that there is a life growing inside of me. A baby that is a part of me and Anthony, will we ever get to share that bond of making a child together? To hear them say "it's a boy or it's a girl" oh how would that feel? To hear my childs first cry as they hand my baby to me for the first time, to hear the first laughter that fills the room with excitement. Will we hear the words mommy and daddy ever said aloud to us? Or will it only be in the back of our minds in a dream? To hear the words I love you. All those things is a million dreams away from me. And the reality is that I am sitting here in an almost dark house praying that I will be able to experience these things before I die. I feel like my heart could stop beating at any time because of pain. How my heart is filled with fear, I am overwhelmed at the thought of us being alone. I look around, there is someone missing from our lives. We are the only ones grieving for this child. No one around me is grieving for my child, the child I may never know. I don't expect them to grieve. For this was not their dream, but mine. There is a vast emptiness inside me swelling up with every breath. There is a tidal wave of grieve drowning out my soul. Will we still be alone when our friends are grandparents? Lord, please complete my life and give me this one request that I have of you. I am scared tonight Lord and scarred from the battle and I need your comfort.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A Molding of Character

I read somewhere that those that go through major trials in their lives have better character than those that don’t. I don’t exactly know if I believe that. However,I do believe that going through these things can be a major molding in your character. We could use this trial for the good. We could have a definite growth in our faith and character. Growing spiritually in the Lord is a great thing. Coming to a place where we can put our faith and trust in him, knowing that He is the most important part in our life is a priceless treasure. Knowing that the Lord has a reason behind this. God has a plan for our lives. We may not know all the reasons that we are on this long and painful journey but we serve the one that does. There are times when we feel alone but the Lord suffered more than our minds can imagine. He suffered for us, and he is there for us when we need him. We are not alone, we are never alone. Going through these difficulties are sometimes a way for us to grow closer to the Lord and get to know Him and His ways better. It is up to us how we let the circumstances mold us. If we knew the future and knew what the Lord knew we would know all the “whys” that are in our minds. God may be using us and our circumstances to help others who are hurting. He knew that we were strong enough to endure this, and we know that the Lord would not put on us more than we were able to bear. We can help others, we can talk to them about what the Lord has done for us. How He comforts us in our hardest of times. I just think that there are so many ways that we could use this problem of ours to help others. There are many people going through this that don’t even know the Lord and don’t turn to him when they are in need. In my personal opinion I have no idea how they can live their lives and go through this without knowing the Lord personally. My prayer is that if I could just help one person to come to the Lord and choose him as their savior than this battle I am fighting would be worth it. We need to strive to be christians first and mothers second. I want a child more than most people could imagine, but above that I long to serve the Lord for the rest of my life.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Lessons Learned

I have cried to the Lord “please help me Lord, I can’t make it through this” I have felt so much isolation during my suffering. Mostly because I left my infertility a secret for a few years. I have heard people say “You need to have the patience of Job.” I know this is true however after the pain went on and on with Job he eventually cried out to the Lord wondering why this was happening to him. And he was a man of great faith in God. He was an innocent and righteous man that suffered a great loss. People that have struggled with circumstances are all in the Bible. They have poured out their hearts to the Lord in frustration and in heartbreak. At times I have felt guilty because I felt this way, I felt I didn’t have the faith that I should. It is not wrong to feel this way, however we don’t need to stay in this state of mind. Admitting I am powerless is a very hard thing to do. We have to give it all to the Lord. We are in a battle for control. But it is beyond our control. Surrendering to the Lord and giving Him the battle is sometimes hard after we have held onto this problem for so long by ourselves. Admitting that I don’t have all the answers. I have spent a lot of time praying, crying, begging, trying to find a resolution to our problem. But I have no answers. I have come to a place where I know that no matter what happens, no matter how much suffering I have to go through on this journey, I will still love the Lord. He could answer my prayer with just one word. He has the power to allow conception or prevent it from happening. However at the moment He is choosing not to give me a child. I know not the reason. Do in my flesh I think it fair, no. But my spiritual man knows that the Lord is in control. Who am I to question the Lord, really? God knows our needs and he cares about us. He is not punishing us for something we have done. Because when the Lord saves our soul, our sins are to never be remembered anymore. I have felt like I was being punished for something, that if I figured out what it was the Lord would give me a child. This way of thinking is wrong. Besides all of our own thoughts we have an enemy, the devil who will put thoughts in our minds. He will try to make us doubt the Lord because the devil is seeking to devour us, to get our soul that belongs to the Lord. He will put thoughts in our minds against our brothers and sisters in the Lord. Because he is as the Bible says “the accuser of the brethren.” He will cause us to question our relationship with the Lord. That’s why we need to seek the Lord and know the devises of Satan. If I had not gone through this I would have not learned the lessons that the Lord had in store for me to learn. He has humbled me and I am learning more everyday. He has brought me opportunities to speak to others about what I have gone through, I have made friends that I probably would have never met if it weren’t for this. We can use this as an opportunity to witness about what the Lord has done for us no matter the outcome that we have. The Lord is faithful and His mercy endureth forever. You are not alone through this, the Lord is carrying you through. Make today count, yesterday is gone, and we may never see tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Stages of Grief

tears are Pictures, Images and Photos

I was reading a book about the stages of grief in a fertility book. Before I began to read the section I thought, “I am not going through stages of grief!” However as I began to read the emotions were quite familiar to me. As I read I saw that the first stage was denial. And yes, in past years I was in denial about me being infertile. And even now, after the Clomid did not work and I did not ovulate, I thought “Maybe there is a chance that I could be pregnant, maybe the OPK was wrong, maybe I did ovulate.” Denial is still here quite a bit. The next step was anger. Was I angry? Have I been angry? Yes I have, I know this step very well. No need for an introduction we have known each other for quite a few years. I have been angry over the powerlessness that I have felt. Angry at all those around me who seemed not to understand. And angry at anyone who could get pregnant when they wanted to. Bargaining was next. I have bargained with the Lord in my mind. Thinking that if I went to church as I was supposed to, read the word as much as I could that he would then hear my prayer. Somewhere inside I thought that if I done this I could deserve a child. But I thank the Lord that He showed me that a child was not something that we could deserve or was not something that He owed to me. When or if I am blessed with a child it is a “gift” from the Lord. The next stage in grief was depression. An old “friend” of mine, we already familiar with each other. It is easy for me to fall into depression if I am not careful. If I am in physical pain with my muscles for a few days and have to stay in bed a lot I will get depressed. I guess with to much time to think I think of how badly I want a child and how badly that I feel and I can become depressed. I think that the anger that we sometimes feel is what brings on the depression. Feeling that so many of my body parts(inside and out) are defective weighs on my mind a lot. The next stage was mourning. I think that the stage mourning is when we cry and show emotion for the deep loss that we have suffered. I guess many people would view this as crazy. That someone who has not physically lost someone is mourning. But I have mourned for the loss of a child I may never know, for the loss of all the dreams that I have had since I was a little girl. There is deep sorrow in infertility. And only those that have experienced it can know how it feels and to what depth that the pain really goes. And the final stage is acceptance, which I have really not experienced yet. I have yet to come to the conclusion that I will never have kids. That hope is still there, weather I have a child or adopt. I know that this is not a very uplifting subject but reading through the stages of grief made me feel that I wasen’t going crazy and that people have to go through these things in order to deal with what has happened. Just as losing a loved one, we that suffer infertility have a great loss to grieve over as well.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Damaged but Not Broken

The feelings that I have had along this winding road is many. I have felt helpless. I can do nothing to make my body be able to have a child. I myself cannot change the situation that we are in. I have felt like I was less of a woman because I have not been able to get pregnant. My pride has been hurt by this. I always felt I could do anything that I set my mind to yet I cannot do this. I feel like less of a wife to my husband, though he assures me that his love is unconditional, and I believe him. Sometimes the questions come “Why Us?” Why are we having to go through this while we watch friends have one right after another? And why does it have to hurt this bad? This battle seems to rage continually in my mind. I did not get to take the Clomid this month due to my change in dr.’s I don’t go to the RE until the 19th and I feel like it has been an eternity. The waiting is killing me. There is a lot of pain and a lot of questions that I have in my mind. Even though life has been hard through this trial I know that the Lord is in control and watching over us. Uncertainty is the biggest fear I have. Not knowing how long it will take to conceive a child or if ever we will. People say forget about it and you will get pregnant. I just can’t stop wanting a baby. I think that there are some sicknesses that only the almighty Physician can heal. Some things that doctors can’t do no matter how hard they try.


I am trying to be more like myself again. I know that the stresses of infertility has changed me. The only time I feel like my old self is when I am with my husband and he always make me laugh and forget what is going on. His humor of how I have made it through. Keeping our marriage strong is more important than being consumed in this quest for a child. With a husband as wonderful and loving as mine it makes me want children even more so that I can see this love in him as he becomes a father. He has never complained about wanting anything to change or made me feel like he would prefer someone eles instead of me and for that I am grateful. We are in this together and that is where I find comfort. We have been down a difficult road together, we have both suffered the feelings of loss, and we have a bond and a love that will last a lifetime. This is absolutley the greatest burden that I have ever had to bear. But I will not give up Hope. I will believe in the impossible. I want to hold on to my faith in the Lord. I want to have a positive attitude with others. I want to be inspired by the word of God and be an unstoppable worker for the Lord. My heart and my dreams may be damaged for now but they are not broken so I will keep going on. I read a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson that said “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”

Saturday, January 10, 2009

the day the LORD saved my soul

christian girl Pictures, Images and Photos

The Lord saved my soul in Feburary 2004. I was at work that day (I was a nursing assistant at a hospital) and the nurse that was on duty, whom I had grown to love very much, she began talking to me about the Lord. (My grandparents had always taken me to church but I had not been in a long time. I was lost and I had never accepted the Lord into my life and repented of my sins.) And as she talked to me and told me how the Lord had changed her life I began to think about my own life. And she talked about the Lord and how much better her life was with Him in it. I had never been saved. Her words stayed with me all day long. And that night as I drove home I just out it put of my mind, and when I got a couple miles from the house the Lord began to deal with my heart. I felt a burden on me so heavy that I knew I had to pray to him, really pray to him for the first time in my life. When I pulled into the driveway. I left all of my stuff in the car, I got out of the car and fell to my knees. I prayed for a long time out there and I asked the Lord to forgive me of all the wrong I had done, and to save my soul. And I felt that burden lift off of me, like never before, I felt so free. I know most people get saved in churches but the Lord dealt with me and saved me right there. I prayed still as I walked into the house. I searched for a Bible and I found one. I said "Lord, I am unlearned and please show me that I am truley saved." I closed my eyes, opened my Bible to whatever the Lord wanted me to read, I had never read my Bible before this time. I opened my eyes and my eyes fell onto the scripture that the Lord had for me, For everyone that calls upon the name of the Lord, they shall be saved. I felt the Lord at that moment and I knew my life was changed forever. I ran out to my mothers house and woke them up telling them that I had been saved, then I called everyone that I was close to and told them I was so happy. The Lord saved me from going down an bad road. From following those around me. I could have went down that same road that they did but the Lord saved me, and I am thankful. I then prayed that the Lord would lead me to a church where he would have me to go, a place that would feed me with knowledge and understanding. A place where people loved one another. And that is what I found. A great church with people that I love dearly. Then I was baptized in the creek in front of the church and what a wonderful day that was! I praise the Lord for dying for my sins so that I could be saved.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Friendships and Life

Life seems to be so rushed and everyone is always in a hurry. Do people ever take time out of their busy lives to be a friend to others. To have friends that we can count on and be there for us we first have to be a friend to them and show them that we care about what they are going through. Sometimes we have to be a listening ear to our friends instead of talking. To be a witness to this lost world? I think that sometimes we need to just slow down and listen to the Lord. Ask Him for guidance and in what direction He would have us to go. We get so busy with appointments and doctors that we don’t take the time to call upon the Lord and ask Him which way we should go. Seek the Lord and try to see what plans He has for you. Listen to what He is really telling your heart, let the Holy Ghost direct your path. Then stand firm and follow what He has instructed you to do. Lord I want you to take control, I give you my whole heart. You are always with me and have never left my side and for that I want to thank you. your strength will help me to stand strong in the face of the enemy and the doubts that come into my mind. You have made it possible for to me to do anything that I want and the ability to achieve my dreams.

Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort then which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. 2 Corinthians 1:4

I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way that thou should go; I will guide thee with mine eye Psalm 32:8

Lead me in thy truth, and teach me; for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day. Psalm 25:5

Trust in the Lord with all thine hear; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope is in the Lord Jeremiah17:7

Faithfully Waiting

Landscape, Art, Nature or Photography. Pictures, Images and Photos


Though the storms may come and shake my faith, though the lightning may crash and unsettle my soul, though the enemy comes to fight a battle agianest me, I will still love you Lord. Through the day and night you have been my anchor on the raging sea, in my midnight cries in the darkness you have been my light and my peace, In the raging of others againest me you have been my comfort and shield. You are all things to me. I could not take a breathe without your mercy, I could not open my eyes without your grace. I could not take a step without your charity. I could not speak a word without your wisdom. I could not hear a word but by your voice. What a joy you have put in my soul, what wonderous thoughts you have put in my mind. For the inspiration you have put in my ears from others, and the prayers that come forth from my lips. The desires of my heart are known unto you. Your promises keep me still through the night. How I love you Lord, how I love your ways.
Faithfully waiting upon you Lord.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Jan. 6th 2009

In spite of the things that I am facing I can still see how good the Lord has been to me and all the prayers that He has answered for me. It helps me to be able to share my experiences and struggles with you all. And for you to have the courage to all have shared your stories with me. You all have given me much insight on many things. There have been times in my life that I felt like I was hanging on by a thread to happiness and if it broke I would fall into despair forever. I have felt so invisible to other people so many times in my life. Like when everyone is talking the “parent talk” or “birth stories” I feel like I am invisible. I can’t say a word, yet I don’t want to just leave, I am afraid they will see my broken heart that way. My feet are frozen and I can’t move. Do they see the pain in my eyes, can they hear the breaking of my heart? It sounds loud to my ears yet they don’t hear it. Or they just choose not to. Certain people discourage me when I am around them about having a child. I put on a smile and try to please them but sometimes I feel like screaming at them. They give me such discouraging advise. They tell me just to give up and forget about, that some people just can’t have children. Even though I know that is true I am not ready to give up, I just can’t right now. I know that the Lord is in control and with Him on my side I can't give up HOPE!!!

when will it happen for me?

Tonight I felt overwhelmed by all the things that are going on in my life and I find myself worrying about things that are out my hands. Why is my heart aching so bad for a child? I want to know what it's like to have a mothers love in my heart. How can I grieve for someone that I have never knew? Will these tears continue to fall down like rain? The people around us are supportive yet they don't fully understand what we are going through. People are going on with their lives happily living as parents and here we are trying our best survive what we are going through. Without him I cannot make it, he is my best friend. At the end of the week I will be taking a pregnancy test and I wish with everything in me that it would be positive. And if it's not I just dread the feelings that I get when I see a pregnancy test that is negative. How many negatives will I have to take before I get a positive? I was standing in church in the other day and I looked around and there stood my best friend smiling at me, she was standing there and all I could see was her beautifully pregnant belly. I smiled at her because I love her with all my heart, then I had to turn my head and the tears begin to fall. I pray for her and her baby, I love them both, but I just sad sometimes wondering when it will be me. Will there be a day in my life when I will know the joy of holding my baby for the first time? Will I be able to see my husband hold our child for the first time and see the tears that I know will stream down his face? Lord, please help us through this trial. Give us strength if it is not your will to give us a child. Hold me during this storm Lord and don't let me go. Let me rest in your peace till this is over. Comfort me as you have many times before. Lead and guide me in you ways, let me trust in you. Having faith, walkiung by faith, not by sight. I know you have been there in the midnight hour and I know that with you help i can do all things.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Counting My Blessings

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Battling through this journey of faith has not been easy. At times I have felt like I could not make it another step. I have been blessed with friends that cannot be replaced and many friends in my infertility groups online that have been such a blessing to me. Thank you for sharing your struggles and heartaches with me. many of you have been such examples of faith to me in the midst of this storm. And the friends that are with me each day (one in particular) thank you for encouraging me and giving me hope and dealing with my many, many emotions. My husband has been my best friend through all of this and when I think about our wedding vows, he really meant them when he said "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health." He has stood by me through our journey to have a child and when I get upset about us not having children he always assures me that if we never have a child we will always have each other. And I know that it is not just words, that it is the truth. He has stood by me through my sickness of having Fibromyalgia. And on my bad days when I don't feel like even getting off the couch he takes care of me. I could not make it without him. I worry about him constantly, he works in the coal mines and I am always worried something will happen to him. He is all I have and I love him. I am thankful for my church, they all are my family, my sisters and brothers in the Lord. I could not make it a day without them. I am thankful for my family, for my daddy who we almost lost last year. I thank the Lord for sparing his life and I am praying the Lord will save his soul and change his life completly as I know that he can.Most of all I am thankful to have the Lord in my life and all that He does daily for me.

" I will praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands, you are who you are, no matter where I am , and every tear I cry you hold in your hand, you never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm."
Praise you in the storm by Casting Crowns (a great song)

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Today

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I thought today about my situation. I think that I will try my best to make the best of what I am going through (with the help of the Lord). Use this to my advantage to be a help to someone. I am not happy that I am going through this but something positive can be done with it. The Lord said having food and rainment let us therewith be content. So if we are provided with food and clothing we are supposed to be happy. And for most of us we have been blessed with a lot more than that. I want to be in a place where the Lord can use me anyway He wants to at anytime. Our circumstances may not change right now but we can change our outlook on life with the help of the Lord. We can ask the Lord to change our perspective of the situation and He will. Anything is possible. Having a personal relationship with the Lord will make you stronger. Not just going to church once a week , but seeking the Lord and calling upon Him when we are by ourselves. Reading His word and knowing Him better. With all the adversity in our lives it takes the Lord to have strength to overcome it. The Lord has given us all something to do in our lives. We aren’t just sitting here waiting for a child, waiting for our lives to begin. They have begun and we need to enjoy what we have today. I know there are times when you don’t want to hear a lot of encouraging words because you are grieving as you go through this. I know to how that feels and I have to deal with it each day. But sometimes we have to give the Lord praise for who He is and what He has done in our lives. I want to have a baby more than anything and it is scary not knowing how long I will have to go through this. But while I am waiting I will trust in Him because I love the Lord.

Happy New Year 2009

We had another great service at church tonight. We started church at 8:30 and it lasted till about 10:00 or so. Then we all went back to where the kitchen is and ate. And I must mention that we had some very good food and I ate to much! Anyways we came back in the church and some people sang and before a little before twelve we all found us a place and prayed to the Lord. I felt closer to the Lord than I have in a long time. I have been letting the desire for a child take over my life. I poured my heart out to the Lord tonight. I asked Him to give me a greater desire to pray and seek him. I ask him for a greater zeal to be the house of God each time we have church. I used to never miss church but lately I have been drawing back and I know that the Lord has no pleasure in those that draw back. This new year I want to grow closer, I want the Lord to give me a work to do. I know that there are many spiritual gifts (1 Corinthians ch. 12) and I desire to do more for the Lord. I wanted church to last all night. I have a friend that is longing for a child that I go to church with and if you pray to the Lord would you please pray for her. She has been suffering from infertility for two years now and right now she is having a hard time. I can see that longing and hurt in her eyes as she looks at the children at church. I want so much to take her pain away and if I could I would. But when we do become mothers this struggle will make us value the blessing that the Lord has given us even more. We will have a great appreciation for the miracles in our lives. Every struggle and every pain will be worth it. Every new year I wonder will next year at church will I have a baby with me. And every year I have wondered if I had the strength to make it another year without a child. But I have and I will because the Lord is my strength. Is anything to hard for the Lord? No, nothing is to hard for him. He is a miracle maker and the same God that shut the lions mouth when Daniel was in the lions den. The same God that brought the three Hebrew boys out of the fiery furnace. We are serving one that can part the seas and calm the storms. And in that I find my comfort. He will be closer to us than a brother. Lets not ruin today by worrying about what may happen tomorrow. Let the Lord help us live our life one day at a time, serving and loving him. Lets give Him the battle and stand still and know that he is God!