Monday, December 29, 2008
I have this intense desire to be a mother that just won’t go away. Sometimes I pray that if it is not the Lords will to let me have a child, why don’t He just take this away from me. But then I am reminded that the Lord loves me and He will not pot on me anymore than I can bear. And through all of these questions that I have the Lord will comfort me. Isn’t it so hard to see a newborn infant and want so bad for it to be yours? I wonder how many years of heartache will I have t go through before I can have a child? You sometimes wonder why it is so easy for some to conceive and why does it have to be so hard on others? why has God chosen us to go down this road? What kind of a plan does He have for my life? We have to seek our answers from the Lord. We have to study the word of God and see how much the Lord has done for us already. I know that it is hard to look on the bright side of things when so much seems to be going wrong. I have lay many days crying and begging the Lord for answers to my prayer. Many times I have promised myself that I would not let my hopes get up to high agian, but then it happens. And when another month rolls around and I am not pregnant the heartache begins. I wonder will my heart be able to take another negative test? There are times when nothing seems to matter except for having a child. I mean this would be the best gift that I would receive. I think sometimes why can’t I have this one thing that I am asking for? I am not asking for riches of the world or earthly things. I just want to be a mother. This should be a natural part of life for me. I think that some people think that I am making a bog deal out of nothing with this but this means everything to me. People are having children everyday and here I am left with a longing for a child, knowing that my body feels broken, feeling overwhelmed. I feel that many of those around me dosen’t understand my pain and that breaks my heart sometimes. You want those that you love so dear to know how you are feeling. But I know that the Lord is my friend and I know that he understands the pain that I am going through.