Saturday, December 20, 2008
We are Never Alone
I think that marriage is really important when dealing with infertility. I know that I have said it before but my husband has been my strength through all of this. I thank the Lord for placing him in my life. I just could not make it without him. We have shared burdens and heartache. We have been strong for each other when the other was down. But we have shared some very good times to. Wonderful times of laughter and plenty of smiles. I think that your marriage needs to be strong in order to survive the struggle of infertility. Because it will definatley bring pain into your home. He knows what you are going through when others don't. It is hard not to let the battle consume you and all of your thoughts. But put the Lord first in your life, and let your marriage be a top priority because you are in this together. Our marriages should be stronger because of the storms that we have had to walk through. Build strong ties with each other that cannot be broken by the wind and the storm.
For me there are things that I long to experience. I long to hear the words "Your Pregnant." I long to awakened by the cry of my child, to be abvle to tell others that I do have children. I want to know what it is like to carry a child. To feel that life inside of me. I have even grieved over not being able to experience them. Yes I hurt when I hear that my friends are pregnant, and the question that always comes to my mind with it " Why can she get pregnant and I can't?" Many quesions come to my mind for the Lord. I don't understand Lord why this is happening to me. These pregnant women seem to surround me everywhere. It is to painful for me.It is hard even going to my doctors appointments because of coarse all the prenant women are there. EXCEPT FOR ME!! I AM NOT PREGNANT!! I am someone just going through the motions of life. Anger and jelousy fill my mind sometimes. People are murdering children Lord and I would cherish one with everything that I have in me. It's hard to talk to friends because they are busy with their own lives. There lives are filled with children. My is filled with none. They are planning their nurserys. I am praying for the sanity to make it through one more day. I want a friend who knows exactley how I feel. Not someone that just feels sorry for me but one that understands. People pretend to understand but they have no clue. I am grateful for the friends that I do have. Sometimes I just need that outlet someone to talk to. When my friends have announced their pregnancys most of the time I have been speechless and the tears fill my eyes. I have no child in sight, no end to this rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes their announcements are just to much to handle. I am not sad because they are pregnant, I am grieving because I am not. Even though it is not fair, with those we love we must rejoice when they rejoice. Be happy for them for this is their time. Even though when I get by myself I usually cry myself to sleep. There are times when I am full of faith and on the mountain but now I am walking through a valley and it hurts. I have buried myself under a mountain of pillows and covers hoping not to see the light of day for a very long time. But the Lord will not leave us. He never has and He will bring me out of this. Who are we to know the mind of the Lord, who are we to try to intrerpret His plans. Who are we to say He won't move for us. He is the Almighty who holds it all in His hands. He may be working a miracle for one of us right now as we speak. In the midst of the storm we are never alone.