Monday, December 15, 2008

Our Pain

Do you ever wonder about other people, how their story seems to be so different than ours. Why the Lord wrote their story one way and wrote ours this way? I began to think about this and I truley believe that the Lord has wrote our story the way that it should go. The way that is best for us. My story has heartache, suffering, joy, patience, love, and forgiveness. Through this journey I have been taught many lessons. Lessons that could not have been learned if I had not walked doen this path. And looking back I can see that the Lord was with me and is with me every step of the way. I have been blessed with true friends. Friends that I can call on anytime and they will be there for me. One special friend that encourages me to go on, promises me that everything will be ok. She has prayed for me and has blessed me more than she will ever know. She is important to me, and I love her with all of my heart. She has shared in my grief, she has listened to me cry and complain and always had just the right comforting words to say. I have heard pain in her voice as I told her how I longed for a child. How I know that she would give anything that she possessed for me to be a mother. She has made my feelings of lonliness go away at times. I am blessed to have her for a friend. My husband has been a great friend to through all of this he has held me cried, put a smile on my face when I though I could smile no more. We have had a good life together, he has filled my heart with love that I cannot explain. I will always be happy with him even if we never have a child together. I want to grow old with him by my side. We have went through every emotion possible together and it has only brought is closer. When talking to people I can't alway put into words the way that I feel. I tell my husband and my best friend. Other people don't know how I feel. I still have a great desire to be a mother, to put my babies to bed, to sing to them, to pray for them. No one can imagine what emotions that you feel when you realize that you may never be able to have a child of your own. I felt like withdrawing from everyone that I love. We were both scared thinking we may never be parents. I see people out that are frustrated with their children and I think that if that were me right now I would love to be smiling at that child and telling it how much I love it. Its hard when you see someone pushing a stroller and you feel envious. I want to be able to go to the baby section at walmart without feeling like my heart is being ripped out. But each month the heartbreak comes back. Each month is a new opportunity to be mother and when it comes and goes it is hard. I feel like less of a woman, I feel like my friends have joined the "baby club" and I have been left behind. I think that the hardest thing is to realize that we can't fix this problem on our own. We have no control over it.We have to trust the Lord and know that he is in control. But it is hard not to question and say "Why Me?" We wonder why are we being denied this one thing that we want more than anything in the world. I mean you think women are supposed to get married and have children so why can't we? Did we do something to deserve this? Are we failures in the sight of everyone because we are unable to concieve?