Friday, December 26, 2008

Just My Feelings

My mind runs sometimes a million miles a minute. Wondering, questioning, begging, praying. I know that it seems like I question a lot but I have to get these things off my mind. And in all honesty I don't want to tell anyone I have all these feeling. I wonder sometimes why the Lord is not answering my prayers at this time. I know there is a reason but I just wonder what it is. Why am I having to experience this? These unanswered questions seem to grip at my heart. We cannot understand why God allows certain things to happen in our lives. Maybe someone will be helped or led to Christ on our journey through Infertility. Maybe one day we will look back and see the reason but maybe we will never see. Will I be one of the women whose wombs are never opened by the Lord. Will the word "barren" always be lurking over my shoulder? How many shattered dreams will I have to endure before I can become a mother? I know that the Lord is my help and I feel bad for even having the feelings that I do. I am trying to be content and find the other blessings the Lord has given to me in my life (because they are many.) I have been feeling so abandoned by many people right now. Friends that don't seem to listen to what I am really saying. People in my family that don't seem to "get it" that my heart is breaking over a child right now and I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I am simply frustrated. And the only peaceful times I have right now is when I am at church or with my husband. Both placing in which I can pour out my heart. There is hurt that runs deep with this, there are dissapointments many days. I feel like the word "Infertility" is defining me. I don't want people feeling sorry for me. But I think when they look at me they see a "infertile, barren woman, who can't concieve a child." My mind keeps racing to try to find solutions to my problems. But in the end I just have to give them to the Lord and let Him be in control. I have to let go. I have to trust Him with my life.

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