Friday, December 26, 2008
I know that being a friend to someone who is suffering from infertility is hard. I have been in that place to. I am right now. But now I know how it feels to be on the other end. The one who is need of a friend to understand and to need someone to simply be there when I need them. You can’t “fix” our problem. But you can help in many ways. Your prayers can make a difference. This is hard to endure and we need a friend right now. I know you may feel like it is hard to find the right thing to say because every person is different and the way they handle their emotions. But don’t ignore us because you don’t know what to do or say. I need a friend who will go through this with me. The good times and the bad. One who will not leave me when I get down at my worst. Which may be quite often as I walk this road. If you do have children you could still understand how I feel. Just remember the way you felt during certain experiences in your life and imagine them being taken away from you. The ability to get pregnant, the joy of telling everyone that you are. Do you realize that I may never know what it is like to have my body changed by pregnancy, I may never be able to buy maternity clothes and be proud of my pregnant belly. I may never feel a baby inside of me. I may never be able to look down and look my newborn in the eyes for the first time and fall in love. Can you imagine not having your child right now with you. Thats how I feel each day of my life. Alone, wrapped in lonliness. Sometimes I feel like my heart is being ripped out. I want to feel a childs arms around my neck and hearing him/her call me mommy. Can you imagine that privilage that you have being taken away from you. I want to bath my baby I want to smell its skin so fresh and soft, holding it in my arms and singing to it. I want to kiss my child and tell it how loved and wanted it was. But instead of living with this joy I am living with an experience that feels like a death. I am living with a wound that just won’t heal and go away. It’s hard to tell others even those closest to us that we have these feelings. You will never know how many tears I have cried over hurtful things that people have said to me. We already feel like failures so we need some support. There are very few people I can talk to as a close friend and share my struggles with. There are times when I feel completly alone. I feel rejected from people alot and I know that most of the feelings are made up in my mind, but they are still there. It is hard to be in a group of women who all have children and all of them go around and talk about their birthing experiences. I have felt like bursting out in tears, but I kindly sit there dying inside and wait till I am alone and cry. I don’t expect friends to never talk about their children, it is just hard for me sometimes. It hurts me when people complain about their kids. When they say they are driving them crazy I want to scream. People have actually told me to take their children home with me for a while and then I would change my mind about having kids. That is probably one of the hurtful things people have said to me. I get mad because they don’t appreiciate their children and I feel like what I am going through dosen’t even count to them. Parenthood is a precious gift from God that should not be taken for granted. I actually feel sorry for parents who don’t know what a blessing they have in their lives, they overlook it because it came so easily to them. I wonder why can’t they be grateful. Do they know what I would give to be awaken by a crying child in the night, to know that I could be the one to comfort it. What I would give to be able to help a child with it’s homework or be able to do all the things that other parents complain about. I have been wounded and scared from this battle and I am a different person for it. I would not change what I have went through but I still long for a child. As the years go by this does not fade away or become forgotten by me. This is a part of my life everyday.