Sunday, December 21, 2008

Childless at Christmas

graphics for moms

Some of the toughest times for me being childless is during the holidays. Each year you think "Maybe next year we will have a child." Then the next year rolls around and here we are. The same thoughts and sorrows are still here. I can't have christmas cards made with my childrens picture on them. I can't take them to sit on Santas lap. Can't hang that extra stocking this year (maybe next year I think) , we can't but that ornament for the tree that says Babys first christmas. My friends and family are all buying gifts for their children. On Christmas morning they will awake with great excitment as they watch their little miracles open their gifts. As I will awake, only to walk into the living room alone. Not to hear the sound of giggling and laughter, I won't be able to hear excitment as they tear into their gifts one by one. They can go out and bulid snowmans together and I will sit and look out the window into the yard where there are no little footprints in the snow. No one making snowangels and wanting mommy to play with them as they discover all the new toys they have gotten. I dream of snow covering the outside like a blanket, while the cold winds blow, looking out the window as I hold my child warm and safe in my arms. But I am awaken from dreaming and I realize I am simply standing in the cold. Begging for the chance to be a mother. My heart feels drained. If I can make it through Christmas there are more holidays and events that always seem to throw me off track. I become envious when my friends are all planning their babies birthday parties. They buy thr decorations, the gifts, and send out the invitations. Each year they have a new theme for the party. I want to plan my child a birthday party. It is not fair that I can't do these things. Even halloween breaks my heart. How I long to take my children trick-or-treating, to pick them out a costume. To make meemories with them. For my husband and I to carve pumpkins with them. No one knows how these events make me feel. I won't tell anyone. I am afraid of looking weak. I feel like my husband is the only one who knows how I feel and the only one who truley cares. My friends would care if I would only let them in, but I can't. If I told them I am afraid they would act different with me. Will I always be childless at Christmas?

1 comment:

Jesus, My Best Friend said...

Praying that neither of us are childless at Christmas anymore after this year! it truly is so hard...i totally agree with u! Psalm 46