Tuesday, December 30, 2008
We need to remember to thank God for the things that He has already given us in our lives. While we are waiting on the children that we so long for, let us have faith that He is on control. In the midst of my grief I have realized that the Lord has made my faith to grow. Leaning on Him more and more everyday. I am waiting on the Lords plan for my life. And while we are waiting we still have hope, and we can rest in the great loving arms of the Lord. If you are in a place and you feel there is no way out, the Lord promised that He would make a way of escape for us, we just have to give it all to Him. I read a quote somewhere that said “ Sometimes the Lord calms the storm, and sometimes he lets the storm rage... and calms the child.” Coping with these circumstances that we are faced with is sometimes very hard and can be very emotionally exhausting. he feelings of isolation from others can be very trying to your faith. It takes a lot of energy to go through this. You get tired of being the one who struggles all the time. I have cried for the child I may never have, because I don’t know what tomorrow brings and I wonder will my body ever carry a child? What a battle going on inside my mind. But I know that miracles can happen. So through my ups and downs, my tears and laughter, I will love the Lord and lean on Him for what I need.
I went to church tonight and the Lord really blessed me and renewed my strength. I was thankful to have others pray for me tonight. I want to be a light to others as I walk through this valley, I want the Lord to be the most important part of my life, not my desire to have a child. I want the Lord to come first in all that I do. Because with God ALL things are possible. He did not say some things, He said ALL things. I find my help in the Word of God and from praying to my Savior. Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. The Lord has been with me through many things that I never thought that I could make it through it. He has saved family members of mine who were near death, who I thought would never make it. He has shown me his mercy and grace more times than you could ever imagine. I have failed the Lord many times and drawn away from Him but he has never left me and I thank Him for that. For being there when I call on Him. Comforting me in my darkest of times, and leading me through the valley onto the mountaintop. I know that I am still struggling with not having a child but I know that when the load gets hard to bear that the Lord will come by and give us what we need. The Lord will provide for all of the needs that we have in our lives. we may not always get what we want but he will give us what we need and I am thankful that God loved us enough to send his only begotten Son to die for us while we were yet sinners. The Lord done enough for me on that day, so if he never gives me a child I will still love the Lord and praise His name. He suffered death so that we could live and have eternal life and for that we should all be thankful.
Monday, December 29, 2008
I have this intense desire to be a mother that just won’t go away. Sometimes I pray that if it is not the Lords will to let me have a child, why don’t He just take this away from me. But then I am reminded that the Lord loves me and He will not pot on me anymore than I can bear. And through all of these questions that I have the Lord will comfort me. Isn’t it so hard to see a newborn infant and want so bad for it to be yours? I wonder how many years of heartache will I have t go through before I can have a child? You sometimes wonder why it is so easy for some to conceive and why does it have to be so hard on others? why has God chosen us to go down this road? What kind of a plan does He have for my life? We have to seek our answers from the Lord. We have to study the word of God and see how much the Lord has done for us already. I know that it is hard to look on the bright side of things when so much seems to be going wrong. I have lay many days crying and begging the Lord for answers to my prayer. Many times I have promised myself that I would not let my hopes get up to high agian, but then it happens. And when another month rolls around and I am not pregnant the heartache begins. I wonder will my heart be able to take another negative test? There are times when nothing seems to matter except for having a child. I mean this would be the best gift that I would receive. I think sometimes why can’t I have this one thing that I am asking for? I am not asking for riches of the world or earthly things. I just want to be a mother. This should be a natural part of life for me. I think that some people think that I am making a bog deal out of nothing with this but this means everything to me. People are having children everyday and here I am left with a longing for a child, knowing that my body feels broken, feeling overwhelmed. I feel that many of those around me dosen’t understand my pain and that breaks my heart sometimes. You want those that you love so dear to know how you are feeling. But I know that the Lord is my friend and I know that he understands the pain that I am going through.
I have looked and read through my Bible looking for the women that were "barren." I wanted to see how they dealt with it and what were their circumstances. I think that sometimes we blame ourselves thinking that we did something to deserve this but that is not the case. In Luke chapter one we find that Elisabeth and Zacharias were barren until late in their years. And the Bible says that they were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless. And an angel of the Lord appeared unto Zacharias and said unto him " Fear not Zacharias, for thy prayer is heard; and thy wife Elisabeth shall bear thee a son, and thou shalt call his name John." I thought about these verses and thinking how that they were both "stricken in years" and how that he still prayed for a son. But you think about the Lords timing. If their prayers had been answered early in their years then John the Baptist would have not been born at the exact time that he should have. He had to come at a certain time in order to come right before the Lord Jesus Christ. This makes me realize that the Lords timing is a lot better than our timing and the way that we would have things to go. This story is found in Luke chapter 1:5-25. Then we can go back and read about Hannah in 1 Samuel chapters 1-2. From reading the verses you can truley see how burdened she was and how she longed to bear a son. I can relate to the feelings of desperation that she seemed to have. She was married to Elkanah and he had two wives Hannah and Peninnah. It said that Peninnah had children but Hannah had none because the Lord had shut up her womb. And each year they would go unto the temple to sacrifice unto the Lord. And Hannah went into the temple and prayed unto the Lord. And it said that she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the Lord, and wept sore ( I know that we can surley relate to that.) The Lord heared her cry and gave her a son and she called him Samuel (meaning because I have ask him of the Lord.) There is a lot more to this story if you want to read it. I think that it is a good story to go back and read. You can also read that Samsons mother was barren for she gave birth to him. That story is founf in Judges chapter 13. You can read in Ruth ch 4:13 that the Lord is the giver of life. It said that the Lord gave her conception and she bare a son. So the Lord was the one that gave her that ability. One of the most popular miracles of a barren woman is the story of Abraham and Sarah. The Lord promised Abraham a son and the Lord was faithful in that that he had promised. You can read this story in Genesis, the birth of Issac is on ch 21. The story of the Shunammite woman and her son is in 2 Kings ch 4 verses 8-37, and in ch. 8 verses1-6. In the book of Hebrews chapter 11 there are many verses on the faith of people in the old testament and the promises that they recieved because they believed God. I know that when I have read this chapter that my faith is increased and I see all the things that the Lord is able to do. We are serving the same God who done all these miracles and he can do them today also. My prayers are with each of you as we go along on this journey together. Just remember the Lords timing is perfect and the Lord knows what he's doing in our lives. We just have to have faith and trsut out Savior.
Friday, December 26, 2008
I know that being a friend to someone who is suffering from infertility is hard. I have been in that place to. I am right now. But now I know how it feels to be on the other end. The one who is need of a friend to understand and to need someone to simply be there when I need them. You can’t “fix” our problem. But you can help in many ways. Your prayers can make a difference. This is hard to endure and we need a friend right now. I know you may feel like it is hard to find the right thing to say because every person is different and the way they handle their emotions. But don’t ignore us because you don’t know what to do or say. I need a friend who will go through this with me. The good times and the bad. One who will not leave me when I get down at my worst. Which may be quite often as I walk this road. If you do have children you could still understand how I feel. Just remember the way you felt during certain experiences in your life and imagine them being taken away from you. The ability to get pregnant, the joy of telling everyone that you are. Do you realize that I may never know what it is like to have my body changed by pregnancy, I may never be able to buy maternity clothes and be proud of my pregnant belly. I may never feel a baby inside of me. I may never be able to look down and look my newborn in the eyes for the first time and fall in love. Can you imagine not having your child right now with you. Thats how I feel each day of my life. Alone, wrapped in lonliness. Sometimes I feel like my heart is being ripped out. I want to feel a childs arms around my neck and hearing him/her call me mommy. Can you imagine that privilage that you have being taken away from you. I want to bath my baby I want to smell its skin so fresh and soft, holding it in my arms and singing to it. I want to kiss my child and tell it how loved and wanted it was. But instead of living with this joy I am living with an experience that feels like a death. I am living with a wound that just won’t heal and go away. It’s hard to tell others even those closest to us that we have these feelings. You will never know how many tears I have cried over hurtful things that people have said to me. We already feel like failures so we need some support. There are very few people I can talk to as a close friend and share my struggles with. There are times when I feel completly alone. I feel rejected from people alot and I know that most of the feelings are made up in my mind, but they are still there. It is hard to be in a group of women who all have children and all of them go around and talk about their birthing experiences. I have felt like bursting out in tears, but I kindly sit there dying inside and wait till I am alone and cry. I don’t expect friends to never talk about their children, it is just hard for me sometimes. It hurts me when people complain about their kids. When they say they are driving them crazy I want to scream. People have actually told me to take their children home with me for a while and then I would change my mind about having kids. That is probably one of the hurtful things people have said to me. I get mad because they don’t appreiciate their children and I feel like what I am going through dosen’t even count to them. Parenthood is a precious gift from God that should not be taken for granted. I actually feel sorry for parents who don’t know what a blessing they have in their lives, they overlook it because it came so easily to them. I wonder why can’t they be grateful. Do they know what I would give to be awaken by a crying child in the night, to know that I could be the one to comfort it. What I would give to be able to help a child with it’s homework or be able to do all the things that other parents complain about. I have been wounded and scared from this battle and I am a different person for it. I would not change what I have went through but I still long for a child. As the years go by this does not fade away or become forgotten by me. This is a part of my life everyday.
My mind runs sometimes a million miles a minute. Wondering, questioning, begging, praying. I know that it seems like I question a lot but I have to get these things off my mind. And in all honesty I don't want to tell anyone I have all these feeling. I wonder sometimes why the Lord is not answering my prayers at this time. I know there is a reason but I just wonder what it is. Why am I having to experience this? These unanswered questions seem to grip at my heart. We cannot understand why God allows certain things to happen in our lives. Maybe someone will be helped or led to Christ on our journey through Infertility. Maybe one day we will look back and see the reason but maybe we will never see. Will I be one of the women whose wombs are never opened by the Lord. Will the word "barren" always be lurking over my shoulder? How many shattered dreams will I have to endure before I can become a mother? I know that the Lord is my help and I feel bad for even having the feelings that I do. I am trying to be content and find the other blessings the Lord has given to me in my life (because they are many.) I have been feeling so abandoned by many people right now. Friends that don't seem to listen to what I am really saying. People in my family that don't seem to "get it" that my heart is breaking over a child right now and I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I am simply frustrated. And the only peaceful times I have right now is when I am at church or with my husband. Both placing in which I can pour out my heart. There is hurt that runs deep with this, there are dissapointments many days. I feel like the word "Infertility" is defining me. I don't want people feeling sorry for me. But I think when they look at me they see a "infertile, barren woman, who can't concieve a child." My mind keeps racing to try to find solutions to my problems. But in the end I just have to give them to the Lord and let Him be in control. I have to let go. I have to trust Him with my life.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I went Christmas shopping today (finally!) I came home and I sat in the floor. As I began to wrap presents I felt the peace of the Lord come over me. The thought of children didn't break my heart tonight, the Lord gave me peace tonight. I thought about the future though and the memories that I would make with my children. Listening to Christmas music, making candy, telling stories, and being with family. I can't wait until my children are in the bed on Christmas Eve and i can just imagine wrapping all of their gifts and seeing the excitment on their faces on Christmas morning. Although the days to come will probably be hard for me. The Lord touched me tonight and gave me some peace and I thank Him for that. In church Sunday the pastor preached from the book of Job and all the trials that Job had to endure. I think that it is good to read that book and to see all that he went through. The Word that was preached Sunday really helped me. The Lord is the one who puts families together. He is the Almighty, the Great Physician! The Lord has a perfect timing for everything. Even through the sorrows and the tears in my heart I know that the Lord is in control. The Lord has used this infertility to cause to me to lean upon Him, to be patient at times when it is almost impossible, and to love Him weather I become a mother or not. Laying our burdens at the throne of God is the best thing that we can do. Our lives are woven by the hands of God. We are part of something that is a lot bigger and greater than we are. Your life is a gift that the Lord has given you. I am longing so much for a child but my husband and I are enjoying the time that we have together right now. Loving one anothers company. My dream and prayer is to be with him until the day that I die and I thank God for having him in my life. I just pray that the Lord gives me something to do while I am waiting to be a mother. I feel like there is something that I need to be doing right now. A work that the Lord may want me to do.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
graphics for moms
Some of the toughest times for me being childless is during the holidays. Each year you think "Maybe next year we will have a child." Then the next year rolls around and here we are. The same thoughts and sorrows are still here. I can't have christmas cards made with my childrens picture on them. I can't take them to sit on Santas lap. Can't hang that extra stocking this year (maybe next year I think) , we can't but that ornament for the tree that says Babys first christmas. My friends and family are all buying gifts for their children. On Christmas morning they will awake with great excitment as they watch their little miracles open their gifts. As I will awake, only to walk into the living room alone. Not to hear the sound of giggling and laughter, I won't be able to hear excitment as they tear into their gifts one by one. They can go out and bulid snowmans together and I will sit and look out the window into the yard where there are no little footprints in the snow. No one making snowangels and wanting mommy to play with them as they discover all the new toys they have gotten. I dream of snow covering the outside like a blanket, while the cold winds blow, looking out the window as I hold my child warm and safe in my arms. But I am awaken from dreaming and I realize I am simply standing in the cold. Begging for the chance to be a mother. My heart feels drained. If I can make it through Christmas there are more holidays and events that always seem to throw me off track. I become envious when my friends are all planning their babies birthday parties. They buy thr decorations, the gifts, and send out the invitations. Each year they have a new theme for the party. I want to plan my child a birthday party. It is not fair that I can't do these things. Even halloween breaks my heart. How I long to take my children trick-or-treating, to pick them out a costume. To make meemories with them. For my husband and I to carve pumpkins with them. No one knows how these events make me feel. I won't tell anyone. I am afraid of looking weak. I feel like my husband is the only one who knows how I feel and the only one who truley cares. My friends would care if I would only let them in, but I can't. If I told them I am afraid they would act different with me. Will I always be childless at Christmas?
There is so much grieve associated with infertility. So many emotions on so many different levels. I think that I have went through phases of shock, anger, denial, jelousy, and still am going through many emotions. Right now I am trying to work through on my emotions, relying on God to help me through them. There are days when I may need to be alone and talk to no one, just cry and feel sorry for myself. There are days when I want to be alone and read the Word of God to find comfort and peace. There are days when I need a friend to listen and days when I need advise. I have went through periods when I just felt numb to everything that was around me and all that was going on. I just felt cold. I think that sometimes we have to allow ourselves time to grieve but not letting it take over our lives. I know that this has changed me and the way that I look at the world. I feel like I am missing out on so much. I have been totally convinced by the devil at times that no one cared about me and what I was going through.People keep asking me am I pregnant yet. Don't they think that I will let them know when I am. Don't they know what excitement would be in me. It is hard not knowing when I will finally be a parent. Month after month I have to deal with this dissapointment, this heartache. I have struggling trying to get the victory over this. I have no control of this and thats whats scary. I have to trust the Lord in that that I cannot see. We walk by faith not by sight. I know sometimes it is very hard when the doubt comes into your mind. Knowing that there is a purpose for this happening is somewhat of a comfort for me. Even though I don't know what it is or understand why this is happening I know that I am serving one that does know all things. God has a plan and He is going to answer our prayers in His time and in the way that is Best for us. The Lord dosen't always give us what we want but he will always give us what we need.I have walked along this path and I have fallen along the way but the Lord picks me back up and sets me on the right path and leads me in the way that I need to go. We have to keep trusting the Lord.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
I think that marriage is really important when dealing with infertility. I know that I have said it before but my husband has been my strength through all of this. I thank the Lord for placing him in my life. I just could not make it without him. We have shared burdens and heartache. We have been strong for each other when the other was down. But we have shared some very good times to. Wonderful times of laughter and plenty of smiles. I think that your marriage needs to be strong in order to survive the struggle of infertility. Because it will definatley bring pain into your home. He knows what you are going through when others don't. It is hard not to let the battle consume you and all of your thoughts. But put the Lord first in your life, and let your marriage be a top priority because you are in this together. Our marriages should be stronger because of the storms that we have had to walk through. Build strong ties with each other that cannot be broken by the wind and the storm.
For me there are things that I long to experience. I long to hear the words "Your Pregnant." I long to awakened by the cry of my child, to be abvle to tell others that I do have children. I want to know what it is like to carry a child. To feel that life inside of me. I have even grieved over not being able to experience them. Yes I hurt when I hear that my friends are pregnant, and the question that always comes to my mind with it " Why can she get pregnant and I can't?" Many quesions come to my mind for the Lord. I don't understand Lord why this is happening to me. These pregnant women seem to surround me everywhere. It is to painful for me.It is hard even going to my doctors appointments because of coarse all the prenant women are there. EXCEPT FOR ME!! I AM NOT PREGNANT!! I am someone just going through the motions of life. Anger and jelousy fill my mind sometimes. People are murdering children Lord and I would cherish one with everything that I have in me. It's hard to talk to friends because they are busy with their own lives. There lives are filled with children. My is filled with none. They are planning their nurserys. I am praying for the sanity to make it through one more day. I want a friend who knows exactley how I feel. Not someone that just feels sorry for me but one that understands. People pretend to understand but they have no clue. I am grateful for the friends that I do have. Sometimes I just need that outlet someone to talk to. When my friends have announced their pregnancys most of the time I have been speechless and the tears fill my eyes. I have no child in sight, no end to this rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes their announcements are just to much to handle. I am not sad because they are pregnant, I am grieving because I am not. Even though it is not fair, with those we love we must rejoice when they rejoice. Be happy for them for this is their time. Even though when I get by myself I usually cry myself to sleep. There are times when I am full of faith and on the mountain but now I am walking through a valley and it hurts. I have buried myself under a mountain of pillows and covers hoping not to see the light of day for a very long time. But the Lord will not leave us. He never has and He will bring me out of this. Who are we to know the mind of the Lord, who are we to try to intrerpret His plans. Who are we to say He won't move for us. He is the Almighty who holds it all in His hands. He may be working a miracle for one of us right now as we speak. In the midst of the storm we are never alone.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Today has been a very bad day for me. So much heartache, I learned today that my Clomid this month did not make me ovulate so I will have to have my dosage increased. My hopes were up so high that it would work this month I just feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride going up and down with my emotions. I wanted it to happen so bad this month and I actually believed that it would. Sometimes I think it may be to hard to bear. This has been a very dark and confusing day. I feel like my dreams of becoming a mother have been killed yet another month. I don't know why I let my hopes soar so high this month, only to fall back to the ground. I feel an overwhelming sense of helplessness, guilt, and despair. It feels like that my husband and I are in a raging storm and we can't see in front of us but all we can do is hold on to each other and cry out to the Lord. We are blessed to have one another to lean on during these times. This battle is hard, there are so many quesions that go unanswered for us. Questions that may never be answered. My greatest fear is staring me in the face, the fear we may never be parents. I don't know if I can face this. I know that the Lord will come by and renew my strength, I know that He holds our hands in the midst of all of this but tonight my heart is broken and the tears fill my eyes.
I think that our husbands are often overlooked when going through infertility. Everyone seems to look at it as the womans problem. But what about the feelings of the man? Do they not hurt as we hurt? Do they not feel the same frustrations. My husband opened up to me ablout the way that he felt while we were going through this and it really made me realize that husbands suffer just as much we do. Talking to your husband about this can really be more refreshing and helpful more than talking to your best friend. I think that we need to show them that we love them and that we will love them no matter what happens. You never know when they may be having feelings of guilt because you have not concieved. I know that having a child is an important part of our lives but I don't think we should let it ruin our marriages. We need to depend on one another and have each other when we have no one eles to turn to. These men have battles of their own. Battles from their friends and co-workers when they talk about their children., a battle when they think they may never be a father. They are always expected to be strong and in control, showing no emotion but being supportive to us as we go through this. They may hide their emotions you may never know how they feel. But at leats let them know how you feel and that you will be there if they ever need to talk. Men don't turn each other like we women do, they really don't join online Infertility groups and email each other about how the month is going. We have that release that place where we can vent and tell all our feelings. I just think that their pain should be acknowledged to.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Do you ever wonder about other people, how their story seems to be so different than ours. Why the Lord wrote their story one way and wrote ours this way? I began to think about this and I truley believe that the Lord has wrote our story the way that it should go. The way that is best for us. My story has heartache, suffering, joy, patience, love, and forgiveness. Through this journey I have been taught many lessons. Lessons that could not have been learned if I had not walked doen this path. And looking back I can see that the Lord was with me and is with me every step of the way. I have been blessed with true friends. Friends that I can call on anytime and they will be there for me. One special friend that encourages me to go on, promises me that everything will be ok. She has prayed for me and has blessed me more than she will ever know. She is important to me, and I love her with all of my heart. She has shared in my grief, she has listened to me cry and complain and always had just the right comforting words to say. I have heard pain in her voice as I told her how I longed for a child. How I know that she would give anything that she possessed for me to be a mother. She has made my feelings of lonliness go away at times. I am blessed to have her for a friend. My husband has been a great friend to through all of this he has held me cried, put a smile on my face when I though I could smile no more. We have had a good life together, he has filled my heart with love that I cannot explain. I will always be happy with him even if we never have a child together. I want to grow old with him by my side. We have went through every emotion possible together and it has only brought is closer. When talking to people I can't alway put into words the way that I feel. I tell my husband and my best friend. Other people don't know how I feel. I still have a great desire to be a mother, to put my babies to bed, to sing to them, to pray for them. No one can imagine what emotions that you feel when you realize that you may never be able to have a child of your own. I felt like withdrawing from everyone that I love. We were both scared thinking we may never be parents. I see people out that are frustrated with their children and I think that if that were me right now I would love to be smiling at that child and telling it how much I love it. Its hard when you see someone pushing a stroller and you feel envious. I want to be able to go to the baby section at walmart without feeling like my heart is being ripped out. But each month the heartbreak comes back. Each month is a new opportunity to be mother and when it comes and goes it is hard. I feel like less of a woman, I feel like my friends have joined the "baby club" and I have been left behind. I think that the hardest thing is to realize that we can't fix this problem on our own. We have no control over it.We have to trust the Lord and know that he is in control. But it is hard not to question and say "Why Me?" We wonder why are we being denied this one thing that we want more than anything in the world. I mean you think women are supposed to get married and have children so why can't we? Did we do something to deserve this? Are we failures in the sight of everyone because we are unable to concieve?
Sunday, December 7, 2008
When things seem like they will never happen, when dissapointments come, there is hope. There is always hope when the Lord is on your side. The Lord knows all things. We have to put our trust in Him, no matter what happens and know that He knows whats best for us. He see's the forest and we only see the trees that stand tall before our eyes. We only see the problem we can't see ahead to what the Lord has in store for us. It is a comfort to know he hold all things in his hands. I love the Lord and I want Him to always lead and guide my life and no matter what happens in my life I want to always serve him.
I just finished my Clomid for this month, I just pray that it works this month. I would be so overjoyed, I can't even imagine how I would feel. Sometimes I think how I would tell my husband if I was pregnant. I would love to see the look on his face. I can't wait till that day finally comes. It snowed a lot this morning so I didn' t get to go to church because the roads were so bad so that was a big dissapointment!!! I love going to church, it gives me so much strength to go on. I LOVE THE LORD!!!!
Monday, December 1, 2008
When I started this journey I felt as if I was alone, as many people do. But as I got online and searched for help I found it. I have found people going through the same things that I am. Experiencing the same emotions. We are all connected, we all share this common bond of "Infertility." It is good to know that someone out there knows how you feel. I have found some very good support groups that some of you may find helpful. They have sure been a blessing to me.
www.childlessnotbychoice.com (myfavorite, I have found so much help there)
www.hannah.org (this woman has also wrote a book called Hannahs hope,and it is a great book to read. Her website is www.jennifer.saake.biz)
And also you can go to www.experienceproject.com and join their groups they have all sorts of different groups, you can read the stories of those going through the same thing and share your own story.