Saturday, November 22, 2008
Needing to be heard but talking to no one
April 13th 2002, thats when this journey began. It is the day that my husband and I were married.And what a wonderful day it was! I was looking forward to a happy future. Shortley after we began to “try” to start a family of our own. I just knew that it would happen so quickly. I mean how hard could it be? I thought wrong! Months went by, then a year passed. I told no one of our plans. I felt if I told anyone that it would then seem real. That that word Infertility that kept coming to my mind would then be a reality. I soon told our family and a few friends. I guess I was tired of the questions like “ Are you ever going to have a baby?” I thought that telling people would soon stop these inconsiderate questions. But sadly to say I was wrong. The questions still came and soon I came to a place where I would have to fight depression and I am still fighting that battle today. I am grieving for a child I have never met, I feel like I am grieving for a lost family member. The years go by and still I grieve. Infertility is a hard, painful, and sometimes long journey to travel. Empty arms with no child to hold is painful. Sometimes I don’t know how to deal with it. doubts and sadness continually fill my mind. This lonliness in me can’t be comforted. Why is this happening to me I ask? How long will I have to go through this pain? I see people who have children and I am bitter thinking that they don’t know just how lucky they are. I get jealous thinking that my husband and I would cherish a child and know just what a miracle it is. Everytime I see a newborn or hear someone close to me is pregnant, that feeling comes over me. A feeling that I cannot explain. Being by my friends side as they go through pregnancy is agonizing. smiling on the outside but screaming for help and recognition on the inside. Does my best friend not understand what I am going through? Does she not care? She dosen’t know what I am going through even though I talk to her about it.Having more than one child, with no trouble concieving, she has no clue. I hate the baby showers that I have to attend. The kids birthday parties. How all the mommies will sit and talk about their experiences and what each of their labors were like. Their words cut through my heart like a knife.I have had to fight back tears many many times, praying that no one would notice that I was dying inside. I feel as if I don’t belong. But the truth is it hurts. It hurts to hear these mommies all talking of their joys of motherhood. It feels like they are screaming at me “ I can get pregnant but you can’t” I feel like no one understands how I feel. Every month a new heartbreak comes, but it is the same month after month.Year after year. And I think “I don’t know if I can go through this anymore” I am not the same as I used to be. I think that this pain has changed me. This longing this desperation has consumed me, my thoughts, and my life. Somedays I want to hide from the world. I want to pretend that this isn’t happening to me. I want to be called “mommy”. There is an emptiness that controls my life.Mothers Day comes and goes each year and you wouldn’t think that would bother me but it does. Each year I think that maybe next year I will be a mother.I don’t get to celebrate this day because I am childless. I DON’T HAVE A CHILD!!!! No child would look at me knowing I was their mother and call me Mommy today.I see all these men around me being fathers and I die inside knowing that this is one thing that I can’t give to my husband.He would make a great father if given the chance. I feel insufficent. I can’t give my parents a grandchild that I know that they would love to have. People have ask me “ How many children do you have?” and it breaks my heart to say “ I don’t have any children” It seems so unfair to me.Although I have found comfort in the joining of online infertility groups and have comfort in reading what people struggling with infertility have to say.