Sunday, November 23, 2008

Just Waiting

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We wonder why we have yet to conceive the little miracle that we so long to hold in our arms. But sometimes the Lord has other plans. Plans that we may not be aware of. Maybe our child has to be born at a certain time for his or her life to be what the Lord wants it to be. The Lord does not make mistakes. I know that it is hard to endure this “Painful Journey” but no matter what there is a great comfort in knowing that the Lord is in control. God knows the grief that we are going through and he will comfort us. My favorite Bible verse is in Psalm 37:4-5 Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. (KJV) Also if anyone of you has not seen the blog at babystruggles.com you should check it out. I think that the women writing it is very good. She has been through a lot and it may be a help to many of you because she has been through things that I have not been through. During the times I have struggles with this journey I have learned to trust in the Lord I have learned of his mercy and grace that is unfailing. It learns you to seek the Lord and rely on him like you have never done before. The Lord has been patient with me through all my short comings and he loves me still. I know it is hard when everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant. When all the young women at the church seems to be having babies at the same time. Although you are happy for them you desperatly wish that it was you. Sometimes I think that if I have to attend another baby shower I just might actually break down in front of everyone. Everone in the family is having babies and here I am feeling invisible and feeling that I am being judged because I have no children. All these people seem to get pregnant so easily and here I am with my Clomid “my mood swinging, hot flashing med” desperate for a child of my own. And I would adopt in a second and love the child like my own however I have not felt led by the Lord to go down that road yet but that is something that I continue to pray about. Through this journey I have not always been a great wife. I am emotional, I break down and cry very easily. I know I have been very hard to live with at times. My husband not understanding why I am crying at times and me unable to explain the way that I feel. I wonder is it because I don’t have “enough faith”. I sometimes feel useless and helpless. But I don’t want infertility to define who I am. I used to be an outgoing carefree person who loved life. Now I seem to be burdened all the time. I have many times wondered “why me?” The Lords plans are bigger for us than we ever imagined.But God chose us women us thats TTC to go through this for a reason and I don’t want to forget that. He knew that we would be strong enough to bear this and learn from it. The Lord saw you before the foundations of the world and he knew where you would be right now. He knows that day when you will look into your childs eyes, weather you give birth or adopt. And all those babies that have been misscarried they are in the presence of the Lord. They had a purpose, they had a life and although it was short the Lord had a work for them to do. And they make up that number in heaven that no man can number. And if you have a child in heaven I know you will be reunited agian on that blessed day. The Lords will has to be done above our own.