Sunday, November 23, 2008
We wonder why we have yet to conceive the little miracle that we so long to hold in our arms. But sometimes the Lord has other plans. Plans that we may not be aware of. Maybe our child has to be born at a certain time for his or her life to be what the Lord wants it to be. The Lord does not make mistakes. I know that it is hard to endure this “Painful Journey” but no matter what there is a great comfort in knowing that the Lord is in control. God knows the grief that we are going through and he will comfort us. My favorite Bible verse is in Psalm 37:4-5 Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. (KJV) Also if anyone of you has not seen the blog at babystruggles.com you should check it out. I think that the women writing it is very good. She has been through a lot and it may be a help to many of you because she has been through things that I have not been through. During the times I have struggles with this journey I have learned to trust in the Lord I have learned of his mercy and grace that is unfailing. It learns you to seek the Lord and rely on him like you have never done before. The Lord has been patient with me through all my short comings and he loves me still. I know it is hard when everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant. When all the young women at the church seems to be having babies at the same time. Although you are happy for them you desperatly wish that it was you. Sometimes I think that if I have to attend another baby shower I just might actually break down in front of everyone. Everone in the family is having babies and here I am feeling invisible and feeling that I am being judged because I have no children. All these people seem to get pregnant so easily and here I am with my Clomid “my mood swinging, hot flashing med” desperate for a child of my own. And I would adopt in a second and love the child like my own however I have not felt led by the Lord to go down that road yet but that is something that I continue to pray about. Through this journey I have not always been a great wife. I am emotional, I break down and cry very easily. I know I have been very hard to live with at times. My husband not understanding why I am crying at times and me unable to explain the way that I feel. I wonder is it because I don’t have “enough faith”. I sometimes feel useless and helpless. But I don’t want infertility to define who I am. I used to be an outgoing carefree person who loved life. Now I seem to be burdened all the time. I have many times wondered “why me?” The Lords plans are bigger for us than we ever imagined.But God chose us women us thats TTC to go through this for a reason and I don’t want to forget that. He knew that we would be strong enough to bear this and learn from it. The Lord saw you before the foundations of the world and he knew where you would be right now. He knows that day when you will look into your childs eyes, weather you give birth or adopt. And all those babies that have been misscarried they are in the presence of the Lord. They had a purpose, they had a life and although it was short the Lord had a work for them to do. And they make up that number in heaven that no man can number. And if you have a child in heaven I know you will be reunited agian on that blessed day. The Lords will has to be done above our own.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
April 13th 2002, thats when this journey began. It is the day that my husband and I were married.And what a wonderful day it was! I was looking forward to a happy future. Shortley after we began to “try” to start a family of our own. I just knew that it would happen so quickly. I mean how hard could it be? I thought wrong! Months went by, then a year passed. I told no one of our plans. I felt if I told anyone that it would then seem real. That that word Infertility that kept coming to my mind would then be a reality. I soon told our family and a few friends. I guess I was tired of the questions like “ Are you ever going to have a baby?” I thought that telling people would soon stop these inconsiderate questions. But sadly to say I was wrong. The questions still came and soon I came to a place where I would have to fight depression and I am still fighting that battle today. I am grieving for a child I have never met, I feel like I am grieving for a lost family member. The years go by and still I grieve. Infertility is a hard, painful, and sometimes long journey to travel. Empty arms with no child to hold is painful. Sometimes I don’t know how to deal with it. doubts and sadness continually fill my mind. This lonliness in me can’t be comforted. Why is this happening to me I ask? How long will I have to go through this pain? I see people who have children and I am bitter thinking that they don’t know just how lucky they are. I get jealous thinking that my husband and I would cherish a child and know just what a miracle it is. Everytime I see a newborn or hear someone close to me is pregnant, that feeling comes over me. A feeling that I cannot explain. Being by my friends side as they go through pregnancy is agonizing. smiling on the outside but screaming for help and recognition on the inside. Does my best friend not understand what I am going through? Does she not care? She dosen’t know what I am going through even though I talk to her about it.Having more than one child, with no trouble concieving, she has no clue. I hate the baby showers that I have to attend. The kids birthday parties. How all the mommies will sit and talk about their experiences and what each of their labors were like. Their words cut through my heart like a knife.I have had to fight back tears many many times, praying that no one would notice that I was dying inside. I feel as if I don’t belong. But the truth is it hurts. It hurts to hear these mommies all talking of their joys of motherhood. It feels like they are screaming at me “ I can get pregnant but you can’t” I feel like no one understands how I feel. Every month a new heartbreak comes, but it is the same month after month.Year after year. And I think “I don’t know if I can go through this anymore” I am not the same as I used to be. I think that this pain has changed me. This longing this desperation has consumed me, my thoughts, and my life. Somedays I want to hide from the world. I want to pretend that this isn’t happening to me. I want to be called “mommy”. There is an emptiness that controls my life.Mothers Day comes and goes each year and you wouldn’t think that would bother me but it does. Each year I think that maybe next year I will be a mother.I don’t get to celebrate this day because I am childless. I DON’T HAVE A CHILD!!!! No child would look at me knowing I was their mother and call me Mommy today.I see all these men around me being fathers and I die inside knowing that this is one thing that I can’t give to my husband.He would make a great father if given the chance. I feel insufficent. I can’t give my parents a grandchild that I know that they would love to have. People have ask me “ How many children do you have?” and it breaks my heart to say “ I don’t have any children” It seems so unfair to me.Although I have found comfort in the joining of online infertility groups and have comfort in reading what people struggling with infertility have to say.