Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Gardening and waiting....


I know that my time is going to come. So many of my friends who have went through infertility and many of you have went on to become mothers and it makes me hopeful yet leaves me wondering when it will ever happen. I am going to the fertility clinic in a few weeks, i have switched clinics to a new dr. The only treatment we have ever done is clomid and provera and now I am finally able, financially to go and have some stuff done. I am hoping and praying that whatever I have done will work. I am excited and scared to. But I have been doing good, my grandfather has healed up from the accident we were in and we have been enjoying this weather. I bought a house right next to my granparents. We have a lot of land and so we have a garden, my granpa has always had a huge garden each year as long as I can remember. I am happy where I moved because i grew up right beside of here. It was my great uncles house and they decided to move so i jumped at the chance to buy it!! We have already planted our peas, onions, poatoes "taters lol as I call them" we planted our cabbage, broccoli and soon we can plant our corn, beans, cucumbers, tomatoes, and bannana peppers. last yr we tried watermelons and they did not taste very good. So I will just have to buy all the watermelon I eat (which is usually alot) last night we built a fire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows with my little cousin I babysit, who I call JitterBug. Me and Anthony love to go fourwheeler riding. He works in the coal mines and he finally got put on day shift so I am soo happy I get to spend every evening with him. I hated when he worked at night. So I am staying busy and being happy.

Monday, February 7, 2011

I want to.......

I want to be able to experience so many things. I cant imagine how it would feel to look at my baby on the ultrasound, to hear a heartbeat and know that it belongs to me. I want to hold my baby for the first time, I want me and Anthony to experience the joy of being parents together. I would love to paint and decorate a nursery in blue or pink. I want to have a baby shower and know it is for me this time. I want to bring my baby home for the first time. I cant imagine how it would feel to hear my baby crying and wake me up at night. To rock my baby back to sleep. I want to see Anthony being a father, I know he will be a wonderful daddy. He is such a loving person that loves kids, I can hardly wait. I want to go into the baby section when I go shopping and be able to but something for my own child, and not feel like my heart is breaking everytime I go by this section. I want to teach my child about the Lord, and take it to church. I want to watch it grow and become the beautiful person it was meant to be. I know that God is able to do this, and I really want this dream of mine to come true. Sometimes I dont know how much longer I can wait. I just really really want this.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

My Help from the Lord

I have been having a hard time and the Lord has really helped me so much. Me and my grandparents were in an accident and my papaw got hurt pretty bad. He is doing better now but he is still in a lot of pain. He broke six of his ribs and injured two more, he had to have over 60 stitches in his head. I am so happy that he is doing better. But please keep him in your prayers. I am doing better the cuts on my feet have healed up wonderful. I hope that all of you are doing good, I have not been on here in a long time.Soon good news: My nephew is growing and is the most handsome little boy ever. One of my best friends who have gone through infertility with found out she is pregnant with miracle #2 and without taking any fertility treatments.We were so shocked and I am so HAPPY for her!!!
Alicia, if you read this let me know how you are doing.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Christmas Eve Blessing

We went to Maryland to my sister in laws and her family for Christmas during Anthonys Christmas vacation. So on Christmas Eve my sister in law said she thought she was having contractions so she went to the Dr. Well in a few hours my mew nephew was born!!! What a Christmas time to remember. He is adorable! And he has totally stole my heart!!! It worked our perfect that we could be there and I got to spend almost the first four days of his life with him! I get to see him again in a couple weeks ans I cant wait. He is so cute and he is my very first nephew, I have a niece which is his big sister. This was such an amazing experince. I am so blessed!!

HE WEIGHED 9 lbs. 6oz.


Monday, December 6, 2010

mental breakdown and then happiness

I wrote this yesterday:
The days are getting harder. There is a great sense of guilt for the way I feel. I am excited about going to be an aunt again but I am so envious at the same time. I want to be the one holding the newborn in my arms and know that it is mine. I don’t want to be the couple who dosen’t have any kids and everyone feels sorry for when they come to see the newborn for the first time. Today Anthony and I were eating out and I saw this couple with a little beautiful girl and a little baby boy in a highchair. They were laughing and talking pictures and I could not take my eyes off of them..I just wanted their life what they had. Ok, maybe I am having a bit of an insane moment but I am flatout jealous and a little angry. I then looked over and saw this couple with this small girl probably about the age of two and they were feeding her and looked like they were so mesmorized with her. I kept watching them to, and Anthony finally got my attention and told me to quit staring. I immediately said in a mean voice that I was not staring! But after I said that I felt ashamed at who I feel I am becoming. Am I becoming this person who is sitting and watching others lives play out and not living my own? And how can I let this bitterness and anger take over my heart. Right now I do not want to hear that another person is pregnant, unless it is me or one of my infertility sisters, especially Brittani. I feel like I will explode or breakdown if I hear one more person is and I feel like I am just holding my breathe waithing on the next one to just break the news that they are expecting. It is wrong of me to feel this way? So many people around me are pregnant, have newborns, or toddlers. Why me, why was this path chosen for me, I do not understand.!! My close friends tell me I am strong enough to go through this and that there is a reason for this but I am to the point right now where I do not want to hear it and have no desire to get a pep talk from anyone. Leave me alone!! I want to scream to these people around me! Let me hide in peace until the storm I am facing in my heart calms. My family has their well meaning tips, and ideas to why I have not conceived, let me just say that one more tip might not be received with such grace the next time. Ok I know I am on a rant and rave right now but I am going to because I can. And I know I will someday read back on this and be ashamed of this but right now I feel I am justified to wallow in my own self-pity and feel sorry for myself for as long as it takes. I am going to cry I am going to scream and I absolutely want someone to know how I feel while at the same time I fear for anyone to know. My life is beginning to get to be to much for me, the health problems coupled with this is not making me all to happy. I am in fear once more that the depression will take over and that I will fall into some extreme of sadness and not to be able to get out of it. But I feel guilty for feeling this way because I am married to an incrediable man and I am a child of the living God. Lord please hear my cry tonight and come by and lift this tremendous burden from my heart.

After this I had a wonderful moment with anthony and so I wanted to share it:
Last night after writing the above post I went riding around with Anthony in his jeep in the snow. We were coming down the road and we heard the song from Facing the Giants called “The Voice of Truth” and he stopped the jeep and looked at me and took my hand and said lets just stop for a minute and listen. So we just sat there and held hands. The Lord knew what I needed from Anthony and I got it without him even speaking a word. Our heart was one once again. So last night when we were lying in the bed I thanked him for what he had done. And I told him I knew that he hurt to and went through it just like I did and that his hurt meant just as much as mine and I felt as if I had drew strength from him and the Lord to make it through another day.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving friends!! I hope that you all have a wonderful holiday. I am excited about the holidays this year. I know that Christmas will be hard for me, I usually feel my loss of being childless but overall I am excited. Tomorrow I plan on being with my family and eating dinner and going to the nursing home to be with my grandmother. I have even though about putting my Christmas tree up tomorrow night but after a long day tomorrow I might change my mind. I am planning on going shopping Friday at Walmart. We are gojng early but I have to say I dread the crowds and the long long lines. I am sick right now with a cold but I am hoping that I will feel better by tomorrow. I wish you all a wonderful weekend and God Bless you.